


Nightingale

by Ererilover1



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Bottom Eren Yeager, College Student Eren Yeager, Daddy Kink, Dark Past, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Sex, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay Bar, Gay Panic, Implied Murder, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Jealous Fighting, Jeaous Levi, M/M, Meeting the Parents, More angst, Phone Sex, Possessive Sex, Psychological Trauma, Rough Oral Sex, Sad Eren, Sexual Tension, Suicide Attempt, Teacher-Student Relationship, Top Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), meeting the friends, position switch, supportive friends, supportive parents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:14:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 89,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29068626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ererilover1/pseuds/Ererilover1
Summary: Eren is a 19 year old university student. Levi is his 29 year old lecturer. Eren starts to develop feelings towards him and keeps telling himself it is wrong. However, to his surprise, one night, after following Levi, Eren discovers something very interesting about his beloved professor.
Relationships: Levi & Eren Yeager, Levi/Eren Yeager, levi eren - Relationship
Comments: 139
Kudos: 142





	1. First Time I Saw You

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, fellow readers!  
> I hope everybody is doing well during these weird times. Thank God for anime and fanfics because personally I would've lost it.  
> This is my original work, I will be posting a chapter every week so I really hope people will want to read it and actually like it! If you clicked on this then loads of thanks! If you think my work is good please give me some kudos!  
> Thank you!  
> (I suck at this)

My name is Eren. Eren Jaeger. I'm 19 years old and its my second year in university in England. On this day just like any other, I woke up after my alarm rung, I brushed my teeth and washed my face and I wore my regular outfit: jeans and a t-shirt. I never had breakfast, mainly because I always wake up too late, but also because it made me feel sleepy. Sleepy-er. It was my first day back in university after my first year and to be honest I was not so excited. I never really enjoyed studying International Relations; all that superficial and liberal political bullshit which was biased as fuck really pissed me off and I just wanted it to be over with already. But I had no idea that on that particular day; my life would change forever. Probably because it was the day when I first saw you- and my world literally started revolving around you and only you.

I remember that day I took the bus, got off, I walked against the rain and never used an umbrella. I was used to the rainy fucking United Kingdom; no point in resisting it- it's not like it'll go away. I made my way to class like I always had been and met with my friends like I always had been.

'Well would you look who it is'

Jeans voice was not the most pleasant sound first thing in the morning. He wrapped his arm around my neck and messed up my hair.

'Ah, fuck off man!'

I pushed him away and laughed. He shook his head and smiled at me.

'Hey!'

Mikasa gave me a hug and Connie gave me a light punch on the shoulder.

'It's been a while! Where's Armin?' I asked.

'He's already in class..' Mikasa laughed. 'You know him.'

I snickered 'Yeah, of course.'

As we started walking to class I was looking around, observing my surroundings, noticing that nothing really had changed since last time I was here, which was quite depressing.

'Looking for your girlfriend, lover boy?' Jean grinned at me.

I rolled my eyes. 'Shut the fuck up dude, are you still going on with that joke?'

He was referring to Krista. A girl I asked out first year and dated for a while. Never really managed to have sex with her. Never really felt the need. We tried a few times... but it just didn't work. I thought I had a crush on her but it felt strange being with her. We broke things off after a month and remained friends. Sort of.

'Fuuuuuuck, I am so not in the mood to pay attention to lectures right now'

Connie threw his head back and rolled his eyes. He was one of the laziest guys I ever met. After myself of course.

'Just deal with it guys common.' Mikasa smiled. 'I heard we got a new lecturer for Diplomatic History.'

'Doesn't change the fact that the class fucking sucks' Jean breathed out.

I did not think much of what she said then. Then again, I had no idea that new lecturer would be you.

We walked down the main hall as usual to make it to the main lecture room. I walked in and realized that I hadn't missed this shit one bit. Seriously. Fuck uni.

'Aw, fuck.' Jean stole the words right out of my mouth.

'Snap out of it, let's go!' Mikasa pushed him forward 'Armin is over there' she pointed towards the front of the lecture room. Shit, Armin and his desperate need to sit at the very front so he doesn't miss a single breath that comes out of the lecturers mouth. He turned around and waved at us with a wide smile on his face. I rolled my eyes and smiled gently as I waved back. We made our way there and I sat next to him.

'Sooo...'

Armin smiled and fist bumped my shoulder 'How was your summer?'

I smiled 'Not long enough' I said as I started taking my laptop and notebook out of my bag, placing it on the desk. Armin laughed and started making small talk. In front of us was a huge black board. I thought it was strange since we mainly used white boards for projection of slides. I guessed the new lecturer was old school.

'Where is he anyway?'

Armin stared at the large clock set on the wall.

'It's 10:02 a.m. He's late.' he mumbled in annoyance. I laughed and shook him by the shoulder.

'Chill out, you nerdy psycho. It's only a couple minutes. You'll get to enjoy class for a whole 9 months so it's all good.' I said jokingly.

'Oh, shit.'

I heard Mikasa whisper beside me and I turned around.

'What's up?' I whispered gently, slightly concerned. She gave me sly smile and lifted her eyebrows towards a direction.

'That must be him.' She whispered.

I remember when I looked towards that direction everything around me froze. Cliche as fuck. But it really did. The loud chatting, the sound of the rain outside, my negative thoughts... even the ticking of that fucking clock. I saw you, going down the stairs, making your way to the front of the lecture room, to your desk. You were wearing a white button up, your tie was loose, your black trousers were slightly tight, your suit jacket tossed carefully and hanging from your forearm, your briefcase on the other side, your black loafer shoes were shining against the light of the lecture rooms light-bulbs... Your black hair was somewhere between messy and styled, your undercut freshly cut, your grey eyes semi-closed behind your glasses. You walked down the stairs quietly and nobody seemed to notice you. The expression on your face was so difficult to read, your lips were shut, your neck and jaw line very well defined. Don't ask me how I managed to notice all these things about you in a matter of seconds because I wouldn't know either.

'Quiet, please.'

Your voice was so unexpectedly low and calm. The chatter did not stop immediately, but I knew I wasn't making a sound.

'Hey, quiet, please.'

You spoke again a little louder and the chatter began to stop. I watched closely as you put down your briefcase, and tossed your jacket on your chair before pulling your shirt sleeves up, exposing your very well-toned fore arms.

'You ok Eren?'

I heard Mikasa whispering beside me and I nodded gently, not actually managing to take my eyes off you.

'I'm Levi, I'll be your lecturer this semester.'

There was silence in the room and everyone seemed to be paying close attention now. You quickly scanned everyone around the room, including me, before you turned around and picked up a white chalk.

'I prefer to write, so you're gonna have to bear with me.' I heard you say as you began writing down your name on the black board. I heard some girls giggle at your statement, but you didn't seem to notice or care to make a joke. You wrote down your full name, Levi Ackerman, followed by your email address, leviackermangmail.com, and office hours which were Mondays, after class. I quickly wrote everything down on my notebook, wanting to get back to looking at you as fast as possible.

'If you got any questions go ahead' you said as you turned around 'Otherwise, I'll start the lecture now.'

I heard some people sigh, probably because they were hoping this would be a meet&greet and there would be no lecture, but you didn't seem to pay attention.

'The fuck... he's kinda weird, eh?'

I heard Connie whisper to Jean, before Mikasa shushed them and smacked Connie across the back of his head. I laughed gently, but before I could realise how loud I was, I noticed your gaze fixed upon me quite intensely. My smile faded immediately. You were pretty close since fucking Armin liked to sit at the front row.

'You have a question?' Your tone was tame yet pretty aggressive. Your eyes never leaving mine, however, I felt the need to look away.

'N-no, sir.'

I said nervously before I looked away, not able to take the intensity of that gaze of yours.

'It's Levi.' You stated bluntly. I paused.

'Levi'

I said, lifting my eyes up to look at you again. You stared at me for one second which felt like an eternity, before turning around and beginning to write notes about the Diplomatic History that we would be looking into this term.

I heard Jean and Connie snort quietly probably making fun of me and fuck me, they were right because for some reason I felt so fucking embarrassed. Mikasa was staring at me in a very 'the fuck was that' kind of way, while Armin was pretty absorbed to what you were writing on that fucking black board. I spent the rest of that lecture just writing my notes down, not managing to actually pay attention to what you were saying, since I was too busy trying to trace every single centimetre of your body with my eyes.

When the lecture ended you were the first to exit the room, not giving anyone a single glace before disappearing. After you left, I felt confused. Not because I didn't follow shit from what you said during the lecture. It was because I thought I felt extremely attracted to you. It was some type of attraction I had felt before, but never so intense. Never like this. I spent the rest of the day going to my other classes feeling that confusion and trying to avoid Mikasas nosy questions and later when I got home, I couldn't seem to get you out of my fucking head. I sat on my bed in my room and began reading through my new books. Of course I couldn't focus. I kept thinking about you... your voice... your forearms... your tight trousers. I suddenly felt myself go through an extreme feeling of horror.

'What..the fuck..'

I whispered to myself when I felt the tightness in my jeans. I was horrified when I realized that the thought of my new lecturer just standing, had made me rock hard and in desperate need of release.

'No... no-no-no-no'

I whispered to myself and immediately stood up and started pacing around my room my hands at the back of my head.

'Am I fucking-'

I froze for a moment before shaking my head in disbelief and denial.

'No-no-no- fuck!'

I pushed my chair on the floor and sat down on my bed. My hands at the back of my head, holding it against my knees. I felt tears building up in my eyes. Yeah. I had been through this before. I thought it was a phase and that it would pass. Clearly it was not the case. Maybe that explains why I couldn't get it up with Krista after a month, but the thought of my new lecturer gets me up and going in a few seconds.

'Ahh... fuck!'

I throw my pillow on the ground and inhale sharply, pulling at the roots of my hair, shaking my head trying to stop the tears from running down my cheeks before I hear a knock on the door.

'You okay, honey?'

My moms voice gentle behind the door.

I pull myself together and breath in before I answer.

'Yeah, I'm okay mom!'

She paused for a moment before speaking.

'You wanna come down for dinner? Dad just got home too.'

Her voice gentle and calming. I closed my eyes and slowly breathed in again trying to compose myself.

'Great I'll be right down!

I said as cheerfully as I could manage. When I heard her going down the stairs, I got up and made my way to my bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror for a moment, wondering who the fuck I was before washing my face with cold water in an attempt to calm myself down so I could face my parents during dinner, to tell them about my great first day back in university, like the great, perfect son that I was.

Fuck.


	2. Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren follows Levi at a desperate attempt to communicate; what he discovers is beyond imagination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! If you read my first chapter then many many thanks! Yes, Eren is obsessed with Levi, and who wouldn't be? I know I am ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> I hope this will not disappoint!

' _Common Eren, it'll be good_!'

Mikasas voice over the phone sounded even worse than it did up close when she was trying to force me into doing something.

' _Everyone will be there and you'll get a chance to socialize with the lecturers. The younger ones that still party, anyway._ '

I sighed deeply. These past couple weeks had been extra hard on me. Getting use to university and waking up early was one thing- having to deal with an awkward boner during Diplomatic History class was another. Going to a party where you _might_ be going to as well, didn't sound like the most fun thing to do at the moment.

'I don't know if I can, Mikasa... I got a lot of reading to do.'

I tried to make up an excuse of some sort. 

' _Are you fucking kidding? Yeah, nice try student of the year.'_ I could practically hear her smirk over the phone. I sighed again.

'It's just I don't know if i wanna go.' I said honestly. 

_'Is it because of him?'_

My eyes became twice as wide and I felt my heart sink to the ground. 

'Who?' I tried to say calmly. 

_'Levi. You scared of him or something?'_ Mikasa's voice became slightly darker than usual. 

I panicked.

'What? No.' I paused and heard nothing on the other side of the line. 

'I didn't even know he was going.'

I tried to justify myself. 

'Anyway, w-whatever, I'll go.' I stuttered eventually.

 _'Awesome! You totally should. And Krista will be there too so...'_ She stated in semi-excited manner.

'Ah, great.' I simply said not really caring much other than the fact that Jean will probably bust my balls to go talk to her. 'Anyways, I'll see you later tonight then?'

' _Yeah! I'll come pick you guys up.'_

'Thank you. See you later.' I smiled and hung up. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shit. 

By the time it was 11 p.m. I had already tried several different outfits and had already styled my hair in many different ways. It was so fucking stupid. It wasn't like you would've noticed me anyway. And even if you did notice me, you probably were straight. And even if you weren't straight you probably wouldn't be interested in me. And even if you were, I wouldn't have been able to act on it cause of my friends and because of my lack of experience and knowledge in general on the subject of homosexuality...and sexuality in general. 

I ended up wearing a white t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans like I do every-fucking-day-of-the-year. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like I do every day. My brown hair kind of messy, my eyes looking like shit because of the dark bags underneath them. At least they were green so it kind of made up for the rest of my face. My phone went off.

_We're down stairs, dipshit._

Jean always had a way to make me feel good about myself, even through text. I sighed and went to meet them after I had said goodnight to my parents. They were all there in Mikasas car waiting for me. Connie, Armin, Jean and Mikasa. 

'Common kiddo, let's go socializee!'

Jean's irritating voice made me roll my eyes before I opened the car door and squeezed into the backseat with Armin and Connie. 

'You ready boys?'

Mikasa said playfully as she started the engine. They all cheered and yelled; clearly they had already had a few drinks before this. We spent the ride to the club making small talk,mainly talking about how Krista was going to be there, and Connie telling me that Jean was finally going to make a move on Mikasa tonight. That never actually happened in the past whenever he would mention planning to do it, so I never took it seriously. When we finally made it there I got very nervous. There was a line full of students going through one door, and another door which was wide open, probably for the lecturers and professors to enter without waiting. I could hear the loud music from inside and I kept getting more and more nervous at the thought that you might be there. 

'Fuck man, it's so unfair they make us wait like dogs.'

Jean just couldn't shut up for once.

'Stop fucking complaining, let's just get in and get this over with.'

I said sighing. 

'Jesus dude no need to be so moody. Cheer up! They're giving everyone free drinks!'

Connie fist bumped my shoulder and I couldn't help but smile. He always tried to find a way to make things better for the group. Armin stood awkwardly in line with us, occasionally staring at girls in short skirts and looking away as fast as possible. Jean and Connie on the other hand had no intention in hiding their disgusting thirst for pussy, since they checked out every single female thing that moves. Mikasa rolled her eyes in annoyance when she noticed Jean staring at girls and I grinned knowing exactly why it pissed her off. I wondered when the two of them would declare their undying love for each other. We waited in line for a good hour before we approached entry. 

'Did everyone bring their IDs?'

Armin asked right before we were about to enter. The security guy was checking everyone thoroughly. Everyone in the group looked into their pockets and bags to get their IDs out.

'Yup, we all got them.'

I assured Armin and smiled. I could tell he was feeling a little bit awkward. He nodded and smiled back at me. When we got to the security guard he gave us all a death stare, because that's fucking necessary every time you try to enter a club. He checked all our IDs giving Armin a questionable look since he didn't really look over 18; and nodded opening the door for us. The music invaded my very being as I entered, people everywhere dancing and talking; students and teachers chatting, each to their group. Some were getting very wild; others were just having serious conversations with their lecturers. Weird setting. The bar was huge, there were flashing green lights everywhere and lots of people making out with each other. We pushed through the crowd of people and found a spot at the bar for the five of us. Drinks were free so we ordered quite a few.

'Cheers!'

We started drinking immediately, Mikasa had already started dancing with Connie, Jean was looking around checking out random girls, Armin was just standing awkwardly at the bar sipping his drink. Me? I was looking around, maybe to me the whole point of the night was finding you and getting to have a conversation with you. I didn't care about what. It could be anything really, as long as I got to hear your voice and learn more about you. 

'Krista is here!'

Jean yelled in my ear and I jumped. I looked at the way he pointed to and saw Krista. She looked great; she was wearing a white dress, sipping her drink and having a conversation with her group of friends and giggling. She glanced towards us and Jean started waving at her.

'You dickhead.'

I whispered as I started waving as well when her eyes fell on me. She smiled awkwardly and I couldn't really tell why because at that moment I thought I saw someone familiar passing right behind her. 

My eyes immediately fixed upon the familiar figure. The bass of the music travelling straight through my body. Your black hair shining against the green lights, your face blank as always. Your eyes piercing me through the crowd of people. You weren't wearing your glasses today. Every single girl turned to look at you for attention, but you never gave none. Some even spoke to you, but you pretended not to hear them. You headed straight for the bar. Someone was following you. 

'Eren, yo!'

Jeans screaming voice in my ear made me jump.

'What, what man?'

I screamed back at him. He pointed towards Krista.

'Go talk to her dude. She smiled at you, didn't you see?'

I paused for a moment and looked at Krista. My eyes then turned back to you. You were wearing a black shirt, and dark semi-skinny jeans. Cigarette in hand, you wasted no time in ordering a couple drinks for you and your friend. A tall guy I'd never seen before, he seemed blonde but I couldn't tell in the dark. You turned and spoke into his ear and you both laughed before chugging your drinks. I couldn't help but feel slightly jealous that he had your attention. I chugged my drink down and walked over, towards Krista. I heard Jean 'woo' in excitement and Armin laughing. She turned her attention towards me as I approached her and smiled.

'It's been a while, huh?'

I asked with a fake smile on my face. She leaned towards me to give me a gentle hug.

'How was your summer?'

She asked me, putting her arm around my neck, starting to dance with me. She must've had a bit to drink. 

'Uh, it was pretty fun. Lazy.' I chuckled awkwardly 'Yours?'

I asked and put my hands around her waist carefully. 

'Good! I went to Hawaii and then we had a...'

Her words started fading in my head because the music was too loud, but mainly because I kept watching you behind her back. You were still at the bar, chatting to the bar-woman and your pal, drinking and smoking. You'd occasionally throw a few smiles here and there, but you wouldn't look around at all. It was so strange. I was so desperate to get your attention, but it seemed impossible. I began feeling obsessed, watching your every move at that bar. Krista couldn't notice mainly because she was too busy blabbering about her summer. Your friend kept whispering in your ear, and you would laugh at everything he said. Fuck, I was starting to get really agitated. Krista's constant talking wasn't helping either. 

Suddenly, your friend turned to the bar-woman to order more drinks for you, and your eyes finally started scanning the environment. 

In a matter of seconds our eyes locked. 

You stared for a bit longer than normal, and I didn't avert my eyes. Your gaze pierced through my chest, the heat in your eyes boiled my blood to complete and utter steam. Those few seconds of your stare managed to shatter everything inside of me. It was like my heart and my soul started pouring out of my body and I started to fall apart to your blank, sinister and hypnotic gaze. 

_Fuck._

Suddenly you looked away; your attention was focused back to your friend when he handed you, your drink, and I felt the pressure lift off of me. I felt like I could breath again. I realized that the fact that I was holding Krista in my arms wasn't the most attractive thing I could do while staring at you, and I mentally slapped myself in the face. I saw you both chugging your drinks and kissing the bar-woman goodbye on the cheek. 

You were leaving?

You started walking between the crowd. _Fuck. No_. _But you just got here!_

'S-sorry, Krista, I'll catch you later okay?'

I let go of her and moved quickly.

'Wha-? Eren?'

I heard her voice behind me but I didn't stop. Fuck I couldn't stop. Not now. Not before I could get a chance to talk to you. I spotted you walking out of the entry. I struggled to make my way through the crowd to get to you in time. 

'Shit! S-sorry. Ex-cuse me! Sh-shit.'

I kept fighting to get out of the large crowd and when I finally managed to get out I saw you getting in a car, shutting the door and making your way. 

'Fuck!'

_Think fast, think fast. You can't be going home. You can't be going home so early. Fuck._

'Taxi!'

_What am I doing?'_

'Follow my friends, please. That Toyota.'

_What the fuck?_

_I must've lost my mind. I'm following you. I'm literally stalking you. Okay_. I tried to tell myself I was sane the whole ride. My phone kept buzzing with messages and missed calls from my friends but I wasn't answering. How was I going to explain what I was doing? _Shit._ And what will I do when I get to where you were going? Do I talk to you? Do I just watch you? _Oh holy shit._

'They stopped. It's 10 quid.' 

I snapped out of it, taking 10 pounds out of my pocket, looking out the window trying to make out where I was. I got out of the cab and I walked to where you parked the car. I looked to my right and saw another line. This was another club. I saw you in the distance with your friend going in through the VIP entry, the security guy smiled at you. Without further thinking I stood in line. I lost sight of you as you went inside the club. The music was so loud I could hear it. The weed was so apparent in the air I felt like I was smoking it. I looked around me and I noticed something odd, about the people around me. For starters, they were all men. And... _shit._

'What the fuck.'

I mouthed to myself when I noticed the multicolored flag, next to the neon light letters of the clubs name ' _Nightingale_ '. _Wait. This is_...

'A gay club.'

I whispered to myself. 


	3. Bright Colours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There you were. The first time I ever saw you in your true form.  
> Yeah. This wasn't my professor. This wasn't the person that walked in class every week quietly and peacefully. This wasn't the man that I thought was unreachable. Untouchable. This was a whole different person.

How did I end up in this position?

How did I end up in this place?

Why am I so desperate to see you?

I know that absolutely nothing good can come out of this.

I knew I should probably go. I knew I should probably just fucking leave and pretend I never came here. For some reason however, I just couldn't move; as the line was getting shorter and as I was getting closer to the entrance, my adrenaline levels felt like they were reaching new levels. My heart was beating so fast; the rush I was feeling was so intense. I was scared.

'First time?'

I heard someones voice behind me and I shivered. I turned around and saw a young guy, around my age probably. Blonde hair and blue eyes, he was pretty attractive. I paused and nodded.

'Uhm, I guess so.'

I managed to mumble. He smiled and shook his head.

'It's okay. I've been where you are now.' he said.

'Where I am now?'

I asked.

'Scared, confused. You're here for a reason right?'

I paused. Why was I here? To see you of course. But if it wasn't for you... I guess the only reason I'd be here is because... I'm gay. Holy shit. Does that mean... were you gay?

'I'm- yeah.' I simply managed to say.

He smiled and shook his head.

'Don't worry. It'll be fine. You're gonna be fine.'

I smiled back at him. His words were kind of comforting, but I still felt as if my heart was going to burst out of my chest. The line kept getting shorter and shorter and I felt like my legs would give up on me any second now. In a way, going past that door would mean that I'm accepting the fact that I may be attracted to men; after years of trying to fight against it. It would mean that I would allow myself to discover a new reality. A reality were being with who I want to be with was not necessarily so bad. But can I really do this? I knew my desire to see you was so great I was willing to put everything on the line and I could care less about who I am or what label I should put on myself. All I knew is that I wanted to see you.

'ID please.'

The door supervisors voice caught me off guard. With shaky fingers I managed to push through my pocket. That's when the look of pure horror overtook my eyes. Fuck. Where is my ID?

'Shit...'

I hissed and the supervisor sighed heavily.

'It must've fallen out of my pocket in the cab...'

I whispered to myself and accepted defeat; I didn't look old enough for him to let me in without an ID.

'Hey, common he's with me.'

I felt someones hand around my shoulder; the guy behind me was trying to help me out.

'We're friends of Levi's.' He said with a smile on his face. What? Levi's?

'Levi didn't inform me about any friends of his coming in tonight.'

The supervisors voice was stern and heavy. He wasn't going to let me in.

'I'll call him then? Too bad he's probably busy right now. He won't like the fact that you made a mistake...' The guy behind me was trying to play tricks and I could tell by the supervisors expression that disturbing Levi was not something he wanted to do. I couldn't help but wonder were we really talking about the same Levi? And why is he so important to these people? What's going on?

The supervisor opened the door for us.

'Alright. But only this time. Next time bring your ID.'

The music flooded the air completely; I felt vibrations all over my body from its deep bass.

'Thank you!'

The guy behind me pushed me gently forward and guided me through the door which lead to a red hallway.

'Tom.'

He offered me his hand with a smile. I took and shook it reluctantly.

'Eren.'

I smiled. As we walked closer to the main entrance the music kept getting louder and my heart kept beating faster.

'Who is Levi?'

I manged to blurt out eventually.

'You don't know him? He owns the club.'

My eyes widened and I felt my knees go weak. What?

'Levi Ackerman?' I had to make sure.

Tom placed his palm on the door once we reached the end of the hallway and started pushing it open gently. The music slightly overtaking his voice. He smiled.

'See? You know him too.'

The door opened.

I felt like my heart stopped in that very moment. I could not think about anything as it opened wide in front of me. A door which was so much more than just that. Bright lights shining from the ceiling, loud music flooding the air, heated air with the smell of musk and cologne. Bright lights illuminating sweaty bodies dancing, touching, kissing, loving each other. Dancers on tables, on poles, wearing nothing but their pride dancing sensually to the music, their muscles shine like glitter, their blood hot in their veins. Men staring me down from head to toe as I start to walk through the crowd. Beautiful men kissing each other, touching each other, freely, gently; no one was hiding, no one was judging. The bass vibrated all the way down to my knees, I could feel heat building up inside of me as hungry eyes kept piercing through me. I felt it when fingers touched mine gently as I walked. I felt it when heated gazes and seductive smiles opened me up like a book. It felt hot.

Tom was in front of me and all I could do was follow while my eyes stared down every single body that crossed my path. So many people like me... so many people like me and I never even knew.   
"He's right there."   
He pointed towards the bar.   
"Levi"   
I whispered in shock.   
There you were. The first time I ever saw you in your true form.  
Yeah. This wasn't my professor. This wasn't the person that walked in class every week quietly and peacefully. This wasn't the man that I thought was unreachable. Untouchable. This was a whole different person.   
Your black long sleeved shirt had become all creased up. Your sleeves were pulled up and your toned forearms had scratch marks all over. One of your arms was wrapped around his waist, while he held on to your shirt tight. Real tight while you attacked his neck with hungry kisses. Your blonde friend was next to you, laughing and chatting up to some other guy. And you? You were too busy to notice anything, too busy dry fucking that guy you were holding, his red hair all messed up after you were pulling on it, his shirt lifted up and your hand traveling up inside it.   
It hurt. It hurt real bad. Too bad.   
That guy wasn't me. And all I could think about was why? Was I too late? Maybe if I had gotten here sooner that guy would be me. God what I wouldn't do. What I wouldn't do to be in his shoes right now. To feel your touch on my body, to feel your lips on my neck, to taste your tongue in my mouth. I'd give anything to be that guy just for one minute.   
"You okay?"   
Toms words were hard for me to make out in the loud music. I turned to look at him and I nodded and tried to smile.  
"He's always doing that. Always busy."   
He added. I felt like I could break down and cry. But inside me I still felt an ounce of hope. I felt like now there was actually a chance that I could be with you. Now that I know you might actually want me.   
"You want a drink?"   
Toms smile didn't really lighten up the mood for me.   
"Sure." I said.

I'm going to fucking need it.


	4. Drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Did you think I wouldn't notice?"  
> Your voice was dark and threatening.   
> "You think I wouldn't notice you coming here every week?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello fellow readers! :)  
> To everyone reading my story it means so much to me, thank you sooooo much! I hope this chapter will be to your liking! I will be posting a bit more often in the next couple days, I've already written quite a few chapters ahead.  
> Thank you again!   
> Enjoy

I started losing focus.   
Everything around me seemed like a colourful blur. What's going on? What's happening?   
I could see bodies all around me, dancing, smiling, touching me gently. God, was this real life? Am I really here?   
"You okay?"   
I heard a voice next to me, I could tell he was trying to hand me a glass. I took it and drank it without thinking, thankfully it was water.   
"You need to sober up."  
I heard who I thought to be Tom laugh.   
"You're such a lightweight."   
I laughed and put my arms around him.   
"Where's Levi?"  
I said joyfully, completely unaware of what I was doing.   
"He's at the bar."  
I looked toward the bar and noticed your slim figure. You were alone now; drink in hand, cigarette lit up; seemed like you'd had enough of your boy toy.   
"He's looking this way..."  
I heard Tom whisper in my ear. His hands travel from my shoulders to my waist, his breath hot dangerously close to my ear. I felt tingles go through my spine and shivered. I was too intoxicatingly naive to realise where this was going.   
"Levi?"  
I said joyfully.  
"He's looking at me?"  
I felt Toms hands grab a hold of my cheek as he leaned in closer to my face.   
"Everyone is looking at you..."  
He kissed my cheek gently and I closed my eyes.   
_What's going on?_  
"You're beautiful"   
I felt his lips touch mine gently as he spoke the words on my mouth. His hand was suddenly at the back of my neck, his forehead touching mine.   
"Let's give them a show."   
_No. Stop._  
I felt his lips invade me without warning. I tasted the alcohol on his tongue as it slowly slid between my lips. Hands touching me everywhere, I was in a mans embrace.   
_Levi._  
 _This should've been you._  
I felt a hand cup my ass and teeth sink into my neck.   
_Fuck, this should've been you._  
Hungry nails digging into my skin, under my shirt. Needy breaths escape like whispers into my ear. I close my eyes.   
_Mm fuck, I want this to be you so badly._  
I open my mouth and let the unknown lips eat me alive. I'm slowly sinking, I can feel the heat in my trousers take me over.  
"F-fuck-"  
My hands pull your body closer, I'm kissing you. I'm kissing you, I'm biting you.   
"Fuck... Levi-"  
I find myself whispering your name as I feel my neck attacked into a bruise.   
"M-more"   
I grind into you, I rub myself onto you. Faster. Harder. Fuck. Fuck.   
Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi-  
I'm going to cum. You bite me hard.   
"Ah!"   
I throw my head back and I keep grinding into you. Levi, God I want you.   
"I want you..."  
I whisper into your ear.   
_I want you..._  
 _Levi, I want you._   
Suddenly there is silence.   
"Enough."   
I hear your voice but you're away from me.   
"Stop it!"  
Where are you?   
Everything stops. I feel cold hands pull me away from the heat.   
"He's wasted you fucking prick."   
Who are you talking to?   
"Levi?"  
I manage to say; I open my eyes but it's all a blur. What's going on?  
The music has completely stopped. I can feel a light breeze and I'm cold. I can hear cars passing by. Am I outside?   
"Call your friend."  
Suddenly my phone is in my hand. I try to unlock it but I can't see clearly; I'm going to pass out. It's suddenly snatched from my hand.  
"What's your password?"  
I shake my head and shut my eyes trying to remember. What is it? Hmmm...  
"Oi, kid!"   
I open my eyes but still can't see.  
"141514"   
I blurt out as I start to feel my stomach turn. Suddenly everything becomes black and the ceiling is starting to turn. I feel myself puke out everything in a matter of seconds. I'm on the ground and it feels like I hit it hard. My knees are in pain, my stomach is turning; fuck I'm going to throw up again.   
Fuck, it hurts.   
Fuck, I'm going to die.   
Fuck.   
I can't. Be awake. Anymore. 

.

  
I open my eyes and I feel like my head had been hit with a hammer.   
What time is it?   
Where am I?   
I look around to notice I'm in my room. That's good. It's 2 p.m. What happened yesterday?   
I'm totally blacked out.   
Shit. I rub my face and smack my forehead when I realise what I was doing yesterday. I went to the gay club and got wasted.   
I pick up my phone and see a million missed calls from my parents and friends.   
How did I even get home?   
I click on my text messages. Last person I texted was Armin and I don't even remember messaging him yesterday. I click on the chat.

**Eren** : _I'm at Nightingale, come pick me up and take me home I'm intoxicated and in bad condition._

  
**Armin** : _Eren, what are you doing there? We've been looking for you everywhere._

  
**Eren** : _Are you coming or not?_

  
**Armin** : _Yes, I'm on my way. Stay where you are._

  
**Eren** : _How long?_

  
**Armin** : _10 minutes away. You okay?_

  
**Eren** : _Okay. I'm outside the club._

  
**Armin** : _ok_

What? I don't remember having this conversation. And I don't message like this. If I was so drunk why are there no typos? Somebody must've done it for me.   
How did they know Armin was my close friend anyway? Did I tell them in my drunken state? I must've. I remember I was with that Tom guy. Maybe it was him. Fuck! Armin picked me up from the gay club. He must be suspicious of me being... gay. I started panicking. My heart started racing.   
I called Armin.

_"Eren?"_

I heard Armins voice on the other line. He sounded worried. 

  
"Armin? What-What happened last night?" 

  
He paused. 

  
_"Are you okay?"_

  
"I'm fine, my head hurts but I'm fine... I'm sorry about yesterday... and... I-I know you're probably confused- I'm also confused- "  
Armin sighed on the other line. 

  
_"You don't have to explain anything right now.. I won't ask any questions. I'm just glad you're okay."_

  
I felt tears build up in my eyes at his kind words. I couldn't hold it in and I let out sharp inhale of breath as I cried. 

  
_"Eren? What's wrong?"_

I cried hard and felt like I couldn't breath.

  
_"Eren?"_

Armins voice on the other line, sounding more worried than ever. 

  
"Armin- I-"

I breathed in and calmed myself down so I could sound clear. I was sure now. I had to let it out.

"I think I'm gay."

.

t's been weeks.   
Weeks since I've opened up to myself and my best friend about who I am. Weeks since I first walked into that club and saw you kissing someone else. No matter how painful the image I still can't get it out of my head; and every week I would come back to that club to see you. You were always with a different guy every time. Sometimes you'd leave with them, other times you'd leave alone.   
You never seemed to notice me, but that was what I wanted; I always made sure to stay out of your sight. I watched your every move, slowly started to become obsessed with you.  
I would look you up on Facebook, and stare at your photos, sometimes even masturbated to them. I had started to become disgusted with myself, so disgusted with the fact that I had to go the bathroom every time you would teach, because my hard on was too much to handle after 20 minutes.   
I would watch every centimetre of your body, wondering what it would feel like, when I would see you with someone else, I would wonder what your kiss would feel like, what your hands would feel like on my skin, or your breath on my ear, how you would smell or taste. All these thoughts captivated my mind to a point of no return.   
I stopped going out with my friends completely, and made sure I came to your club every Friday and Saturday night. It was your club, I knew it now. You owned the whole thing. I had no clue why and how but you did. Everyone knew you, and a lot of people would come just to see you. My competition was very difficult, not that I would stand a chance anyway. You would always leave with the most handsome guys. The ones with the most beautiful bodies and sexiest gazes. Nothing like me.   
Every weekend, Armin would cover for me, and he had found out all about my crush and your club. I had to tell him. Mikasa and the guys kept calling me the first few weeks but eventually stopped and got use to just seeing me in class.  
I would spend a lot of evenings on my own, sitting on a bench outside my house. My parents thought I was depressed and maybe I really was starting to be. I would just sit there sometimes without really doing much, just thinking about you or what we could've been or what we could never be.   
My obsession for you would grow more and more; however I was afraid to speak to you or look you in the eyes. You intimidated me more than anything, your presence was something close to inhumane for me. You were like a God.   
I began to think however, what could you be like? What's your favourite drink? Movie? What's your worst fear? What's your biggest mistake? Or your dream? Are you living the life you want? Are you happy? Could I make you happy? I want to. I really really want to. _Levi_.   
"You okay, Eren?"   
Armin gave me a concerned look. I was in class, and I had zoned out again. I smiled weakly.   
"Yeah, I'm good."   
Armin smiled back at me and handed me his notebook. He wanted me to read through the notes, as if I would comprehend anything anyway.   
"Thank you."  
I smiled and nodded however, took his notebook and began writing the notes on mine. Who knows? Maybe I'll have a look later.   
"It's Friday today."   
Armin mumbled under his breath.   
I sighed.   
"I know."  
I knew what was coming next.   
"You going again tonight?"  
I already knew I was going to go. For some reason I couldn't stop myself. It was the only way I could see you outside of class, in a different setting, a different persona.   
"I think you know, Armin."   
I simply stated. Armins eyes never leaving the board.   
"Do you want me to come with you?"  
He asked every week, but I always said no. Armin shouldn't put himself in such an awkward position.   
"Don't worry I'll be okay." I smiled, thankful for his concern.

~

It was 1 am.  
I stood in front of the mirror just looking at myself. Thinking about the lie I would tell my parents before going out; the guilt I'll feel when other men touch me as I walk; or the pain when I see you kiss someone else again- followed by the numbness caused by alcohol, the confusion when someone walks up to me by the bar, and the fatigue which always lead to sleep. All of this while the constant feeling of emptiness wanders inside of me.   
I wore a white t-shirt and blue jeans. I styled my hair for once, not that it would change the series of events what would take place tonight. I knew what to expect and I knew what I would feel. What can I say, maybe I was self-destructive.   
I walked out the door and into the cab I had called earlier. The whole ride I felt nervous like I always did, but for no particular reason. I hoped that maybe you'd notice me, but then I changed my mind when I remembered our circumstances.   
The door supervisor knew me quite well by now. Let me go trough without asking to see my passport or ID, which I had lost by the way. I entered the club and felt a familiar vibe. Loud music, bass travelling through my bones, the smell of cologne and musk corrupting the air, bodies dancing sensually under the bright light, eyes glued on me as I walk past. It was always the same. Always packed. Always stuffy.   
I looked around for you, and there you were at the usual spot. The bar by the DJ, who was your blonde friend, whose name was Farlan as I'd been told.   
You were already holding on to a raven beauty in your arms. Kissing and touching his pale skin. I thought to myself, how life must be so easy for you. You can have who ever you want, and you've got so much power. You haven't got a care in the world huh?   
"What's your name?"   
I hadn't noticed the man next to me who was eyeballing me the whole time. He handed me a drink, same as his own and I took it. Stupid, but I needed it.   
"Eren. Yours?"  
He was tall, muscular, blonde, couldn't see his eyes clearly, but very handsome.   
"Erwin."   
He smiled and raised his glass for me before taking a sip of his drink. I did the same and smiled, not really sure how to continue the conversation. I feel the drink hit me slightly. It was a heavy one, definitely had vodka in it.   
Erwin approached me, leaned in closer.   
"You're very attractive."   
He spoke close to my ear.   
"Do you like men?"   
His voice was sensual and needy. I didn't feel very comfortable.   
"I'm not sure."   
My eyes wondering around, looking for a way out. Erwin laughed. I chugged my drink. I thought maybe it's time for me to try it out. I've tried with a woman maybe I should try with a man. I'll probably never feel comfortable so might as well just do it.   
"You want another one?"   
He asked me and signalled the bartender for another glass. I nodded.   
I took the glass in my hand and sipped on it immediately. I had to relax. I felt the alcohol kick in and I started feeling a little bit dizzy. After a few minutes I couldn't really understand what Erwin was saying, but I would laugh nonetheless like a stupid punk. I felt his hands around my waist and just giggled pushing him away gently. I looked around for you and I saw you weren't at the bar anymore.   
_He must've left with his boy toy_.  
I felt my heart crack at the thought. Erwin would occasionally lean in to kiss me but I would avoid him. I just didn't want him. I was so upset that I had wasted yet another night of my life just to watch you walk out with someone else.   
"I'm going to use the restroom"  
I told Erwin cheerfully, trying to find a way to escape. When I reached the bathroom everything around me was turning. I was definitely under the influence. I laughed at the realisation of how stupid I was before I felt a tear roll down my face. I cried almost every time I went to that stupid club. I didn't know why I kept going back. I washed my face and freshened up. I heard one of my favourite songs play and I made my way out quickly. I went by the bar and asked for a glass of water. I chugged it and sat down for a few seconds trying to compose myself. I smiled and closed my eyes listening to the music, feeling it travel through my veins. Before I knew it, I was dancing gently, smiling, feeling the lights project on my body. I could feel people's eyes glued on me but I didn't care; I was one of many that were dancing. A few people approached me but I avoided them as best I could. I just wanted to be alone, dance alone, have fun alone.   
I felt thirsty again, and I made my way to the bar. I looked behind the bar but couldn't see the bartender.   
"He's gone..."  
I whispered to myself and I sat down.  
 _This is the last time I come here._  
I sat at the bar telling myself this would be the last time, when I felt a cold touch on my forearm, I turned my head to the other side trying to avoid whoever was trying to hit on me this time.   
"Kid"  
My eyes suddenly shot open. I was afraid to turn around. I knew whose voice that was. I've been hearing it for weeks; in class and in my mind. And everything around me just stopped. The music. The people. The buzzing. I composed myself and smiled, maybe it's just a dream. Maybe I'm hallucinating.   
_I mean he left right_?   
"Drink"  
You placed a drink in front of me and I took it in my hand. I chugged it down. To my surprise it was just water. I turned my head to meet your gaze and it was exactly as I imagined. Steel grey, cold eyes. Pale skin shining in the lights. Your vibe was intimidating. You had a drink in your hand and a cigarette on the other. Was it really you?  
"Did you think I wouldn't notice?"  
Your voice was dark and threatening. I stood up and took another sip of my water. I was too drunk to be nervous. You feeling the need to give me water meant that you probably knew how wasted I was.  
"You think I wouldn't notice you coming here every week?"  
You took a puff of your cigarette and blew the smoke to the side. Your eyes fixed on mine.   
I opened my mouth to speak but nothing would come out. How do I explain this?   
You paused, waited for my reply and when nothing came out you remained silent. Was it really you? If it's not, it looks so real. Whoever this is, you look so real. I need to take advantage of it. I need to.   
"Dance with me"  
My hands were suddenly on the back your neck, pulling you closer.   
"Hey"  
You objected pushing me back gently.   
"Please just-"   
My breath hitched as I breathed in your cologne. I pulled you close and spoke by your ear.   
"Just for a little while"   
I spoke with desire, with want and need and I knew you felt it. You pulled me back gently and your face was centimetres away from mine. You looked into my eyes with fire and anger. And I couldn't tell which one was more powerful. I could feel the heat of your breath, I could see the pulse on your neck, and I could finally smell you, I could smell the same want and the same need on you, as the tension between us started bulking up. You paused and your hands gently made their way to my waist. My heart skipped a beat. 

  
"Alright"

  
Your voice like a whisper, in the musky air.


	5. Heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do it."  
> I said one last time against your lips. One last time before the tension building up between us this whole time comes to a peak. One last time before our stranger bodies become best friends. One last time before my mouth finally knew the taste of yours. One last time before my tongue knew the heat of yours. One last time before you pressed your hot lips against mine, before my lips tangled with yours instantly, tasting you, feeling you, their wetness, their gentle touch.

When I think of that night, all I remember clearly is your smell, the touch of your skin and the heat I felt throughout my whole body.   
The music was playing loud, the bass was making my knees tremble. I could feel everyone's eyes glued on both of us, but all I cared about was you. You were there finally, maybe you weren't; maybe the alcohol was making me delusional, but I didn't care. You were there in front of my eyes, I could feel you, I could smell you.. Levi..   
"Touch me.."   
I didn't know if you heard me say it, but I know I did. My hands were wrapped around your waist, my fingers causing your shirt to crease and your skin to tingle. My body rolling sensually against yours, I could feel every part of you. You let me do whatever I needed to do, your eyes staring deep into mine, your mouth slightly open, I felt your breathing quicken slightly and I could feel the outline of your body. My hands felt everywhere they could find, from the heat radiating from your strong shoulders, to the shiver of your lower back.   
_God, I want you..._  
 _God, please don't take this away from me..._  
 _Don't take him away from me..._  
"Levi..."  
My voice was weak and only a whisper in the loud music and bass. My body was aching, aching for you touch, for your kiss. I felt you shiver and your tight grip on my hip when you placed your palm there. I felt you yank me close, our foreheads touching, only centimetres apart, your breath; hot; wet; I felt my body burn.   
"Do it."  
I said against your lips my hands gripping tight on your shirt, I'm pulling you closer and closer but you won't let me touch you with my lips.   
You tighten your jaw and I feel your fingers dig into the skin of my neck. I didn't know when you placed your hand there, I didn't know when you pulled me this close, I didn't know how my hands where placed at the back of your head, fingers tangled in your hair. I yank you closer.   
"Fucking- do it."   
I grind my crotch against yours. Our thighs tangled, between each of our legs. I feel the hardness of your lower body, mine already bulging begging for your attention. I knew you felt it on your thigh when you inhaled sharply and bit your lip. You pushed me against the bar, your body moving with mine at the rhythm of the music; our mouths open, our lower lips so close to touching, our breaths mixing together into the musky air.   
Your hands travel to my waist, I kiss your neck and bite at the skin, finally tasting your hot sweat, bittersweet mixed with the bitter taste of your cologne.   
Your body pushed me hard against the wood of the bar and we stopped moving. Your thigh pressed hard between my legs, your piercing gaze pulling me apart, the grey of your eyes dark filled with lust, desire, heat.   
_Heat._  
My body felt hot, I thought I would burn. _I'm going to die._  
Your hand travels under my shirt and your other holds a tight grip on my neck. Your touch was rough, you were angry, you were frustrated. You wanted something you couldn't have. Just like me.   
"Do it."  
I said one last time against your lips. One last time before the tension building up between us this whole time comes to a peak. One last time before our stranger bodies become best friends. One last time before my mouth finally knew the taste of yours. One last time before my tongue knew the heat of yours. One last time before you pressed your hot lips against mine, before my lips tangled with yours instantly, tasting you, feeling you, their wetness, their gentle touch. The gentle kiss didn't last long. It wasn't long before my mind realised what happened; and my teeth greedily attacked your lower lip, my hands pulling on your shirt, desperately needing it to be off. Your breath quickens, the grip on my neck tightens, I feel your nails dig into the skin under my shirt.   
_Fuck..._  
 _Fuck..._  
 _Take me home..._  
 _I want you to... I want you to take me home_.   
Your tongue licks gently at mine, your talented mouth knew all the places that would drive me mad. Gentle but so rough, cold but so hot.   
_Fuck..._  
You start grinding your hips against mine, your palm holding my ass against the wood, griping tightly holding it in place for your hard cock to grind against mine under our clothes. I break the kiss to moan gently in your ear.  
"Shit."  
I hear you say before your wet mouth is on my neck, kissing me passionately, while your hands travel up and down my whole body. There was nothing I could do, I was lost, I was lost and gone deep into the dark, sweet, bitter lust; the sinful, deceitful, irresistible pleasure; the heat that took over my whole body when I had you all over me. I didn't need anyone else, I didn't need anything else in that moment to be happy. Fuck; just-  
"Take me home"  
I said before my knees gave out on me, before my heart stopped beating, before my body trembled to the point of unconsciousness. You stopped and your hands travelled up along my body to the sides of my face. You held me against you, making me face you, looked deep into my eyes. Your face was overtaken with lust. Your lips open, red, wet and bloody from my biting. Your breathing was fast, you couldn't control yourself either; your hands trembled; you couldn't last anymore either.   
"Is that what you want?"   
You managed to say in between pants. I gathered all the strength I had in me, took a few breaths before I could speak.   
"Please."   
I couldn't say anything else. I couldn't explain. But you already knew. I know you knew when you waved the bartender and DJ goodbye, You knew when you took me by the hand and pulled my drunk body between the crowd of people, my eyes flattering open and closed as I followed your figure, the bright lights blinding me, the smell of your cologne faint in the cold air as I followed you out of the club. You knew when you held me by the waist and led me to your car.   
You knew when we kissed passionately again in the front seat.  
When our bodies tangled with one another impatiently.   
When my hands uncontrollably travelled upon and down your entire body.   
When you finally saw the heat in my eyes.

_You fucking knew._

* * *

The drive to your apartment felt so slow. My heart was racing so fast, one of my hands rubbing on your inner thigh the other at the back of your neck pulling you close while my lips attack it viciously. Your hand was on my crotch rubbing at my hard cock while you tightened your jaw and breathed heavily. We weren't talking at all, but it felt like we already knew so much about each other.   
I felt like I knew where you like to be touched, I felt like I knew what you like to hear, how you wanted me to give it to you... the lustful look on your face and the trembling of your hand was all I needed to confirm how badly you wanted me too.   
I was drunk as hell but started to sober up enough to realise that this was actually you, and that this was actually happening.   
"We're here."   
It had been a while since I heard your voice; other than your occasional moaning and sighing when I touched and kissed you. I hurried out of the car and followed you into your home. I was too eager to get into your bed to notice my surroundings. All I remember is that your house was dark, tidy, and smelled clean.   
Horny and eager as I was I pulled you back and pushed you against the wall of the hallway leading to your bedroom. I kissed you hungrily, my hands all over you, travelling under your shirt. Your hard abs felt so hot against my touch; I grabbed a handful of your hair pulling your head back and I kissed your exposed neck. God, I wanted this more than anything.   
You were so beautiful up close, you tasted so much better than I imagined, felt so much better than I imagined. You were more than anything I could ever wish for.   
You pulled my hand back and grabbed me by the neck; pushed me with full force against the opposite wall of the hallway. Your lips crashing against mine, stopped my gasp when I felt the pain as my back hit the wall. I moaned, bit and kissed back passionately, my eyes closed, my body melting against you. Your hand travelled down and I shivered as you started undoing my jeans. I opened my legs wider for you in anticipation and I moaned in your mouth when I felt your bare hand touch my hard member and pull it out of my boxers. My leaking precum made your fingers slide up and down my shaft easily and I felt like I would cum any second.   
"F-fuck..."   
I said against your lips, my nails digging into your shoulder blades. You hissed and licked your lips as you played me dangerously slow into your hand.   
"You're so fucking wet"   
You said huskily and bit my lower lip seductively. Your eyes piercing right through mine, watching my every move. I was going to cum. My breathing hitched and I started panting as you quickened your pace. Our mouths open, our breaths mixing, our lips touching.   
_Fuck was this really happening?_  
 _Are you really giving me a handjob right now?_  
I couldn't hold it much longer I knew I was going to blow up soon.   
"N-no I'm-"   
I tried to speak but I couldn't form the words.   
You bit your lip and moaned quietly.   
"You wanna cum don't you?"   
You whispered against my lips and it sent shivers down my spine. I nodded and closed my eyes, panting, sweating, feeling weak and that's when I suddenly felt the loss. The cold air surrounding me. The feeling of climax suddenly coming back down.   
You stopped.   
Why did you stop?   
I opened my eyes and saw the lustful expression on your face and your lips formed a sinister grin. You brought your hand up to my lips and pushed two fingers into my mouth, which I gladly accepted. I sucked on your fingers, tasting my bittersweet precum, and observed while your expression turned into one of plain need as you bit your lips and curled your fingers in my mouth.   
You hissed and pulled them out in a quick motion, grabbing me by the thighs and picking me up. I gasped and held on to you, fuck you were so strong.   
Before I knew it you'd thrown me on the bed and you started undoing your shirt. I watched in awe as the body I've been admiring for so long finally unclothed itself in front of my eyes. God, was it more beautiful than I could ever imagine.   
"You're perfect"   
My lips moved before I could even control it. My voice was weak and my breathing heavy, but I knew you heard it when you suddenly paused, but didn't say anything. You pulled your shirt off and exposed your gorgeous upper body. I gasped and my dick twitched at how sexy you were. Before I knew it my body moved closer to you, and I grabbed you by the waist, kissing your abs, my hands travelling down to your ass. Your head fell back and you grabbed a handful of my hair. I kissed desperately at your v-line and started undoing your trousers. You pulled me by the hair and pushed me back on the bed. I obliged and waited for you to climb on top of me.   
You took your trousers off and climbed on the bed wearing only your black boxers. Your thighs were muscular and delicious, but what really caught my eye was your large bulge, hard and long under the fabric. You approached me and you looked absolutely stunning. Your black hair shining in the moonlight, small droplets of sweat going down your collarbones, your pink lips slightly open, your steel grey half lidded eyes looking at me with anticipation.   
You pulled my shirt off and pushed me down with two quick movements, I gasped, my back feeling the coldness of the sheets. You climbed on top of me and our bodies were touching fully. Your hands traced the sides of my body and you took my trousers off completely leaving me with my red boxers.   
The alcohol really helped with my nerves but I was still very nervous. Your eyes travelled up and down taking a good look at my body, and then up to my face. We stared at each other for a little while, panting and I couldn't read your facial expression but I knew you liked what you saw when you grabbed my jaw and kissed me hungrily. Our lips moved in sync and my arms instinctively wrapped around your body. My hips started moving against you trying to get as much friction as possible. Our erections brushed against each other and you hissed.   
"Mmm f-fuck..."  
I moaned and grinded harder against you, I wanted everything off. I wanted to feel you... all of you... naked on top of me. You kissed my neck and started massaging my erection through my boxers. I moaned and my hips thruster forward.   
"S-sorry"   
I mumbled under my breath, I knew I probably seemed too desperate and eager. You stopped your movement and you looked into my eyes questionably.   
"Why're you sorry?"  
You smiled and kissed my cheek sensually, tracing kisses from my jaw down to my neck, your hands tracing the skin of my outer thighs.   
I hissed.  
"Mm- if I'm too excited- I- "  
You bit my neck gently, your hand traveled from my thigh to my ass and you gropped it hard. You groaned.   
"Nngh-I- I've never done this- b-before"   
I manage to say between pants.   
You stopped. Your facial expression changed completely. Your eyes widened and went from projecting desire to plain shock. You let go of me and sat up immediately.

"A one night stand... or... Are you a virgin?"

There was silence for a moment and we only stared at each other. I debated on whether I should answer truthfully or not. I couldn't understand why it would matter to you. Even if I lied however, you'd come to discover the truth due to my inexperience.

"Yeah."

I said simply waiting for your response. You froze for a few seconds and then you turned around, grabbed my shirt and threw it at me.   
I was in shock.   
"What's the matter?"  
My drunken state couldn't help but reinforce the disappointment and regret I was feeling, for ruining what could've been a great night in just a moment. You stood up from your bed and I sat up and grabbed you by the forearm pulling you back down. You yanked your arm away and turned to face me; I could not read the look on your face; but I could see pain in your eyes.   
"We can't do this."  
My eyes widened and I felt tears well up in my eyes.   
"Why not?!"   
I practically screamed at you and sat up on the bed to face you. Your facial expression didn't change and you rubbed your forehead with your hand.   
"I don't do virgins. And you're my student. This shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have brought you here. I'll take you home so get dressed."   
I didn't move; my eyes widened in shock.   
You sighed.   
I frowned and I felt like my dream had turned into a nightmare. You sat up to leave but I grabbed your arm again and pulled you towards me.   
"Don't you want this?!"   
I cried out desperately. You tried to pull away but I kept pulling you back. You sighed and shook your head. You wouldn't look me in the eyes.   
"Eren-"  
Tears fell down my face and I didn't even know why. You noticed and your eyes widened. I know. You were probably wondering why the fuck I was crying like a baby. But I was so close to making you mine. And I blew it.   
"Just-"  
I took your hands and placed them on my waist. You sighed sadly but you let me.   
"Just let me do this"  
I straddled you; my hand at the back of your neck, pulling you towards me. You didn't move and I felt your breath hitch.   
"I wanna-"  
I leaned in; our lips touching slightly   
"I wanna make you feel good"   
I whispered against your lips. I wrapped my arms around your neck and grinded on top of you. Our crotches rubbed together and my breath hitched. You had a sad frown on your face, as if you couldn't resist and you hated what I was doing to you but I took it as a sign to keep going. My movements were slow; I didn't want to ruin this. I kept grinding against you and I slowly leaned in closer to touch my lips on yours. You opened your mouth for me and I took access gladly. Our lips clashed together and I felt your fingers holding tighter onto my skin.   
"I can't do this."  
You broke the kiss and whispered against my lower lip. I felt my heart break at your words but I kept going. Even if I wasn't going to get what I wanted I needed to feel you.   
"Just let me"   
I reached down slowly between us and took both of our erections out of our boxers. You groaned and bit your lip when you realised what I was about to do, but you didn't stop me.   
"Please"   
I said before taking both our cocks into my hand and rubbing them against each other.   
"Ah- s-shit"  
You moaned and your nails dug into my skin. I gasped and started moving my hips against you, my cock sliding up and down your shaft while my hand held our erections together. I moaned and you kissed my lips gently. It felt like we were making love. You broke the kiss, your panting felt hot and wet against my mouth, your frowned eyes filled with desire; the same heat and desire they had in the club.

"Mh- s-spit on it"

You whispered in between pants. I obliged, putting my hand to my mouth and taking a generous amount of saliva into my palm. I put my hand back on our throbbing erections and started jacking us off together. Fuck, it felt so good. My hips were following my hands motion and I was rubbing myself hard against you.   
You panted and hissed; your hand held my ass tight pushing me towards you to help my hip thrusts; your other placed on my neck your thumb holding my jawline in place for you to look me straight into the eyes.

"Levi..."

I whispered and moaned, the tips of my fingers pressing harshly against your skin. I was close. But I wanted to hold it; hold it until you cum with me. Our foreheads touched and you started pushing my hips faster. My grinding became faster, harder; our cocks were leaking precum and it made my palm slide easily up and down our shafts. The room was filled with our moaning and panting.   
"Oh- fuck-"   
You swore like venom against my lips and I drank it up like it was nectar. Sweat started dripping down my neck and I started moaning loudly.  
"I'm- I-"   
I tried to speak but I couldn't make out a single word. You kissed me again and held me in a close embrace. Our tongues teasing each other, our lips locked together, our bodies felt like one. The sensation was so intense I felt it would drive me mad. Your nails in my skin started to draw blood, and it felt so good.

"Eren"

Hearing my name fall from your lips with such a sensual and needy tone was more than enough for me to lose myself completely in your arms. I held you closer; grinded harder; rubbed us faster; I wanted to make you cum. You started panting and moaning and I knew you were close too.

"Cum with me."

I said against your lips and I finally let go. The friction became too intense; the feeling unbearable; I couldn't hold it; with one last thrust of my hips and touch on your skin I started twitching; orgasm taking over my very being; white shooting out of me and on to our erections and abs.  
"Ah! Ah, yes- Levi-"  
Your name like a mantra on my lips, my hips thrusting against you uncontrollably. You hissed and moaned loudly, you pulled on my waist rubbing me against you harder, faster and I felt you tense-   
"Oh ngh-fuck!"   
You cursed loudly, before you sunk your teeth into my shoulder blade. You breathed heavily and moved against my wet cock, white shooting out of you, your moaning muffled on my shoulder; your grip on my ass unbearably tight as you pushed me on your pulsating cock; riding out both our orgasms until we saw white. You set my shoulder free of your teeth but hands held me close for while longer and we both panted against each other.   
It was the most intense orgasm I had ever felt and I only hoped it wasn't a dream.   
I only hoped what we did was not an illusion.   
I only hoped this wasn't a dream.  
You didn't move, the only sound was our uncontrollable panting.   
Your forehead resting on my shoulder, my head hanging back, my eyes closed.   
Was this real?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THERE YOU HAVE IT. I know everyone is probably pissed at me at this point but trust me it is worth the wait! Every comment and kudos that I get makes everything worth it for me so thank so so so much to everyone actively reading my work! Love you guys!


	6. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Levi."  
> I said.   
> Breathed in and out to gather all of my thoughts and master up all the courage I had inside me.
> 
> "I fucking want you."

My eyes fluttered open.   
It was bright.  
I looked at the ceiling and noticed it wasn't what I usually see in the mornings. I wasn't home.   
Suddenly realisation hit me. My eyes widened and I gasped.  
Was last night real?   
I remember everything so clearly. The warmth I felt in my heart made it race. I finally managed to spend intimate time with the man I'm in love with. I was so happy.   
Am I at Levi's house? Where's Levi? I sat up and scanned the environment. I was alone in the room. I was only wearing my boxers under the sheets; I rubbed my eyes and sighed. The room was incredibly clean and tidy; all but the creased red sheets of the bed. There was a large window at the side of the room; taking up almost as much space as the walls. It was cloudy and dull outside.   
Did you leave? I want to see you. I want to kiss you... hold you... touch you. I feel my boxers tighten and I laugh quietly.  
Where are you?   
I get up and search for my clothes; only to find them folded nicely on the corner of the bed. Hm, that's really sweet and thoughtful.   
I looked around as I got dressed and found a note by the nightstand. When realisation hit me; I felt my knees weak and I sat down on the bed again. I opened it and 20 pounds in cash fell out.   
What the fuck is this?   
_Good morning. I'm sorry about last night. I was intoxicated and definitely not thinking straight. When you wake up, feel free to take a shower or eat whatever you like and then take a taxi back home so that I know you're safe._  
 _Don't tell anyone about this- we both know it was wrong. Please use the money I left, it's my fault you're in this position anyway._  
 _-L_

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding for almost a whole minute. My chest cracked and I felt tears building up again.   
Why? Why did you leave like that? Don't tell anyone? You weren't thinking straight?  
You regret this? It was wrong?   
So that's what you feel after all this?   
Regret?   
I couldn't accept it. I won't accept it! I threw the 20 pounds back on the nightstand and I got up. I refuse to cry. I won't cry. Anger consumed my very being as I threw my jacket on the floor with fury. My phone fell out and made a loud bang.   
"Fuck!"  
I shouted and kicked my jacket over and over. How could you, after such a wonderful time say such insensitive and unemotional things? I thought you wanted me too, I though it was the same for you, I thought-  
I shut my eyes, frowned and shook my head in disbelief. No, I'm not going to overthink this.   
I put my jacket on and picked up my phone. I had a million missed calls from my parents and Armin.   
_Ah, shit_.   
I made the bed as tidily as I could and I left the note and the money on the nightstand. I kept telling myself it isn't over. I kept telling myself we'll sort it out. Yeah.   
_We're going to fucking sort it out on Monday._

~~~

Monday came much slower than I hoped it would. I couldn't sleep, eat or focus on anything else. I didn't go to Nightingale on Saturday night, because facing you really scared me after seeing the cold way in which you handled things. Walking into your class has never felt more nerve racking. My fingers shook uncontrollably as I pulled out my notebook from my bag. Armin gave me a worried look but chose not to get involved and I was thankful for that. Mikasa, Jean and Connie were their usual selves. Their loud laughter and voices filling the entire room.   
The clock stuck 10 a.m. and suddenly all that was heard in the lecture hall was the tapping sound of your shoes as you made your way down to your desk.   
Everyone knew how much you hated noise, and they learnt the hard way. You didn't even look left or right as you made your way down, resting your suit jacket on your chair and pulling your shirt sleeves up to your elbows. You looked stunning. My heart skipped a beat with each movement you'd make. You adjusted your glasses and picked up a piece of chalk before writing the title of today's lecture on the board.   
"Good morning."   
Is all you said. Fuck, you were so emotionless. So unbothered by everything. I couldn't help but look at your forearms, the tight grip of your fingers on the chalk as you wrote- and how those same fingers were holding tight on to me; forearms wrapped tightly around me-  
"You ok Eren?"  
Armins voice interrupting my thoughts. I hadn't realised the droplets of sweat that had started to form on my forehead.   
"Yeah, I'm okay."  
I nodded and smiled awkwardly. You must've heard the chatter and you turned around abruptly. Everyone held their breath. You looked towards us but didn't make eye contact. And you shockingly sure as hell didn't say anything.   
I knew you were trying to pretend like I wasn't there. You were trying to pretend like nothing happened. It fucking hurt. And it made me angry. My head felt like it was fuming like a tank but my pants felt so tight, giving me the most confusing feeling I had ever felt. I wanted to slap you across the face for treating me like shit but at the same time kiss those delicious lips of yours and ride you like a wanton whore.   
Not even once did you look at me or give me any type of acknowledgement- but I didn't try to make you acknowledge me either. I was quiet; patient; sat in my seat waiting for the class to end.   
The class went by as it always did; you didn't bat an eye. I kind of expected it but was hoping for more. I knew you had your office hours right after the lecture; but I also knew how many students would wait in line to see you. I gathered as much courage as I had in me, and made my way to your office. I waited for over an hour for all the students to leave so I could have you to myself. When the time finally came I hesitated.   
What do I say?  
How do I approach this?   
I wanted you to know how upset and angry I felt. But I also wanted you to know how much I needed you.   
My heart was racing and my knees were shaking. My breathing was uneven and the lack of sleep and food made me feel slightly dizzy. This time I wasn't drunk so my nerves were driving me insane and I felt like I was going to faint any minute. But I had to do it and I knew that if I don't do it I'm just going to go back to how I was; feeling even worse by not knowing why or not trying.   
Fuck. Here goes nothing.   
I knocked on your door after making sure nobody else was waiting to see you.   
"Office hours finished, come next week."   
Your voice was stern and emotionless even through the other side of the door.   
I swallowed and gathered as much courage as I could master. I pushed the door open and let myself in shamelessly.   
You were sitting on your desk, wearing your glasses, your shirt unbuttoned at the top, exposing your gorgeous neck and collarbones, going through some paperwork. You suddenly froze, probably shocked that someone could be so rude to just enter your office without permission. I closed the door behind me. You looked up towards me and your facial expression remained the same. You put down the paper and you tangled your fingers together, placing your hands on the desk.   
I swear I couldn't breath. I was expecting the worst. I was expecting you to tell me to get out, but I was also expecting you to tell me to stay. You breathed in calmly.

"I do hope this is assignment related."

Is all you said. I froze. The pain inside me started making it's way up to my brain; the anger I felt also mixing with it; making it hard for me to face you at that very moment. I couldn't say anything. Couldn't even breath.   
You sighed and took your glasses off, placing them on your desk. You sat back and crossed your arms, your eyes never leaving mine. I bit my lip nervously.

"I want this to keep happening."

My lips moved without my permission. You narrowed your eyes and shook your head.

"Excuse me?"

You asked in disbelief. I shut my eyes and tried to remain calm. Tried to stop myself from losing all ounce of control and yelling at you for being such an asshole.

"I want this to be a thing."

My heart probably no longer had a beat by now.

"A thing?"

You asked; your head titling a little bit.   
I breathed in and out slowly.

"Us."

 _God_.   
You paused. You uncrossed your arms and put them on the desk, to help yourself off your chair. You stood up and looked straight into my eyes.

"You're out of your fucking mind."

Your quiet words like venom in the warm air of the office. My chest cracked. Anger started taking me over. My breathing took off.

"I know you fucking want me too so stop acting like you don't. It's provoking me even more."

What the fuck am I saying? I've lost it! I've totally lost it! Whatever filter I had? It was gone. Your eyes widened and you gritted your teeth. Finally your face showed some emotion. Anger.

"Oh yeah?"  
You leaned in closer, your head titling slightly, your hands on your desk.

"It's making you feel like I'm some fucking prize that you'll need to earn?"

You spat at me with fury. I stood by the door frozen- shocked at how things had turned out.

"Listen here you little shit. You're just a fucking kid and you have no idea what you're talking about. Stay away from me. Especially in university facilities- and stop coming to fucking Nightingale. It was all a fucking mistake, Eren."

Your words shot me like bullets. I couldn't find the strength to accept it and just go. I just couldn't accept it. I felt fury take me over; I felt tears build up in my eyes.

"It was a mistake?!"

My voice stronger, louder, determined.

"So why did you do it then, huh?"

I walked closer towards you, threw my bag on the floor. We're not going anywhere; not till this is settled.   
"Why take me home?"

A tear made its way down my cheek and I was so pissed off I couldn't keep it together; but you had to see the determined look in my eyes. How badly I wanted you- needed you.   
Your facial expression changed completely from angry to surprised. From surprised to upset. You breathed in, pushed your chair back to give yourself more space.

"I was drunk."

You said simply. I huffed and a laugh escaped my lips. I was so shocked at how insensitive you were. You lowered your gaze. You took a cigarette out of your pack and lit it up.

"I was lonely."

You spoke again. You placed the cigarette on the ash tray and sat back down. I didn't speak. I wanted to tell you; you don't have to be lonely anymore. You don't have to go to that club anymore. You don't have to sleep around anymore. I'll be there for you. For as long as you let me I'll be there for you.

"I find you extremely attractive and I think that's the main issue."

You picked up the cigarette and sucked it in, blowing smoke out to the side, your eyes avoiding mine.

I shut my eyes and frowned. Fuck, why do you make this such a big deal?

"I'm an adult. You can fuck me."

I spat out.   
Your steel eyes widened. You wasted no time to reply.

"You're my student. And you're a kid."   
Your eyes locked with mine. You were trying to intimidate me. I don't like these games of yours.

"Levi."  
I said.   
Breathed in and out to gather all of my thoughts and master up all the courage I had inside me.

"I fucking want you."

I said it. Looking straight into your eyes. Right in front of your face. Sober as fuck. I fucking said it.

"I just want to see you once in a while. That's all."

What am I saying?

"We can keep it casual."  
I continued, knowing that there must be a way for me to see you again... touch you again... feel you again.  
You swallowed and placed your cigarette on the ashtray again. You sighed.

"Why are you so persistent?"

Your words were quiet- as if you were trying to stop yourself from asking the question.   
Tears were still rolling down my face and I wiped them quickly. I tried to calm myself down. I breathed in.

"I like you."  
I sniffed like a child and wiped my eyes.   
"I like you a lot."  
I lowered my eyes. I knew this conversation was going nowhere. I braced myself for your reply. However, I was met with silence. Nothing was heard but the ticking of the clock and my unsteady breathing and sniffing. I frowned and picked up my bag, placing it on my shoulder. This was a mistake. I shouldn't have come. I shouldn't have pursued you any longer. You clearly didn't feel the same way for me. It's time to go.

"Let's make a deal."

Your voice interrupted my thoughts, and gave me an ounce of hope. My eyes lit up and I looked at your face.   
You tangled your fingers together again and placed your hands on the desk.

"We can keep it casual. Meet up once in a while. Take care of each other. But no penetration."

Your eyes were dark as you looked straight at me. You wanted to see me again? You wanted to meet up once in a while? I felt happiness in my gut, the anger and frustration I felt finally being relieved. But-

"Why not? I want to."  
I asked, desperate to know why you didn't want me as bad as I wanted you.

"Save it for someone special. You'll regret it if you give it to me."  
Your reply was quick. Fast and steady. You sat up from you chair. I didn't know what to say. I wanted you to know that I don't care about that shit. I want you. I want to give it to you.

"If you don't agree the deal is off."

You crossed your arms and waited for my reply. I swallowed, thinking my words through very carefully. I didn't want to ruin this again.

"Okay. But-"  
I hesitated. _Fuck. Just say it._

"But we can do everything else- and- I can take you out once in a while..."

My voice cracked, weak, unsure. Your eyes widened. You sighed.   
"What?"  
You asked once again in disbelief.   
I shook it off, I need to stand my ground.

"You have your conditions, I have mine."

I said with determination. My facial expression as emotionless as I could master. You smirked. You picked up your cigarette and took a puff, blowing the smoke out. A low chuckle escaped your sinister lips, which turned to slight smile. Your eyes look up to meet with mine. Grey uniting with green, our orbs lock together in a persistent, heated, lustful gaze.

"Okay. Deal."

* * *

It was Friday night. 12 a.m.   
I was dressed. Black jeans, blue shirt. I styled my hair the best I could. I wore black boxers, made sure I smelled great.   
We hadn't spoken since Monday afternoon when I came to your office. You told me not to tell anyone about you; and that if you found out I did this would be over at a blink of an eye. So I never told anyone about our arrangement. Not even Armin. We exchanged numbers and you told me you'd contact me when you can. You didn't contact me for days; and I was in excruciating agony, waiting for you to call me, message me- or even just give a glance during class. With every day that would go by I felt more and more unsure about how you felt about me, and grew extremely worried and insecure. I was going to wait until Monday to ask you why you were avoiding me; but you finally sent me a message earlier today.

_I'll be at Nightingale tonight._

That was it. No start, no finish. Just one sentence. It was good enough, however, to make me feel excited, worried, happy, horny and nervous at the same time. I was a mess. That was for sure.   
I was crazy probably- given the series of events that took place these past few days- I was ready to cross every boundary. I was wondering why I was so crazy about you; what made me lose all sense of logic and control. Why are you so important to me?   
Sure, you were the most beautiful person I had ever laid eyes on, but it must've been more than just that.   
That night, I felt something more than I thought I would- I felt like I connected with you on an emotional level; without needing time or conversation, without giving effort or much thought. I felt like we were naturally connected to each other, and I had a feeling you felt it too. The way I suddenly knew exactly what to do with you, when a day earlier I didn't have the slightest clue about sex. It was a deep attraction I felt for you, combined with this endless affection I wanted to give to you; and I couldn't explain it.  
"Eren, are you meeting a girl?"  
My moms voice was heard from the kitchen as I was making my way past to the door. My hand on the handle. I froze.   
"Haha, no mom why're you asking?"  
I tried to sound as casual as I could.   
"Nothing baby. You smell and look great, honey."  
I could tell she was smiling by the way she said those words. I hiccuped and felt a deep pain in my chest. Would my parents ever accept me for who I am? I cleared my throat and kept myself together.  
"Thank you, mom."  
I said cheerfully.  
"I'm sleeping at Armins tonight."  
I said calmly as I opened the door. I didn't know if I was going to end up with you tonight but I wanted to be safe just in case.  
There was a small pause on my moms side. I panicked but said nothing, waiting for her reply before I closed the door behind me.

"Okay, dear."

She said. She knew I was lying. My mother knew me better than I knew myself. I knew no matter how badly she wanted to know, she chose to trust me and it made me smile gently before closing the door.

The club was packed. Trap music playing loudly, bass travelling through me, men around me dancing, cologne, musk, alcohol and weed in the air. My knees were shaking, I was a nervous wreck; but I knew how badly I wanted to see you- even in this setting. Whatever it takes to have you naked all over me again; touching me; kissing me; driving me crazy. My jeans grew tight just by the thought and I bit my lip. Bright lights illuminating bodies all around me.   
Where are you?   
My eyes scanned the environment completely but I knew where I'd find you.   
Bar by the DJ.   
I made my way through the crowd, people touching the tips of my hand or my waist occasionally as I walked by, others tried to speak to me or hand me drinks which I refused politely.  
I finally got to the other side of the club when I spotted you.   
_There. There you are. You-_

"What.."

I stopped waking and just stood between the crowd.   
You were there. However, once again; like every single fucking time I came over here to see you. You were not alone. Oh- you were not fucking alone.   
My eyes widened and I wasn't moving but the movement that people would make as they danced and bumped into me.   
You were wearing a black v-neck, your glasses were off, your black hair messy; you were so beautiful. As usual, a drink in your hand, cigarette on the other, you had a sly smile on your face, one arm around the waist of a hot blond guy, slightly shorter than you, gorgeous body. You smirked gently as he spoke into your ear.   
I felt my chest crack and my heart break in a second. I bit my lip in frustration. I felt hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, angry. But most of all I felt betrayed. How could you do this? How could you invite me over here only for me to be met with a sight like this?   
Tears. Fucking tears rolling down my face without me even realising. How could this happen again? After what we did... after what we said... I don't deserve this. I'm so done. Fuck this.   
"Hey, you okay?"  
I felt a hand grip my shoulder, and I was met with a concerned gaze. He was a blond, muscular, tall man. He was quite handsome.   
"Yeah, I'm fine."  
I wiped my tears with my shirt, exposing my abs without realising.   
"Oh, wow-"  
I heard him say. I looked up at him and I saw a smile on his face. I snickered and smiled back as best I could with wet eyes.   
"Look, I'm a stranger. You don't have to tell me what's upset you; but- I can help you forget about it?"  
I was standing there- seriously considering going to bed with this guy. Would he make me feel good? Would he make me happy again? But most importantly, would he make me forget you?   
"Here have a drink."  
He handed me a drink and I mentally laughed. Was this guy stalking me the whole time to buy me a drink? Or does he just walk around with an extra drink in his hand. I chugged it down anyways. I fucking needed it.   
He smiled and I lowered my gaze.   
"Wow."  
His palm on my shoulder.   
"I'm Reiner. What's your name?"  
I grabbed his arm and pulled him towards me.   
"Let's dance"  
I placed his and my glass on the bar. I might as well try. I found him attractive after all. He smiled and placed his hands on my waist immediately, our bodies started moving in sync with the music. He gradually started making his way closer and closer. His body was hard, he was so muscular, his hand felt rough on my waist. He pulled my body closer, his lips gently touching my neck. This was escalating fast but I chose to let it. He started grinding on me, I obliged following his movements, but all I could fucking think about was you. You and that fucking-  
"Oi."  
I felt someone pull me backwards by the shoulder blade, yanking me out of Reiners hold abruptly. I gasped and fell backwards.   
"What do you think you're doing?"  
Your voice was threatening and cold as ever. I had never heard you like that.

  
You pulled me back behind you, putting yourself between me and Reiner.   
"What the f-"  
Reiner began to speak angrily but quickly ceased when he realised it was you who was standing in front of him. I was in complete shock. Was there going to be a fight?   
"What are you doing, man?"  
Reiner said, determined not to back down, he leaned in closer to you, foreheads touching in a threatening manner. Reiner's eyes were filled with fury but they could not compare to your feral, threatening grey.   
"Stand back."  
Your tone low like a growl. You pushed him back with full force using your hand on his chest. Reiner fell backwards a few steps and onto a few other people behind him. I gasped in shock. Fuck. Is this really happening?  
Reiner stood up with an infuriated expression on his face. No-no-no-no. This was not happening. I saw Reiner walk towards you threateningly and I instinctively pushed through you and placed myself between the two of you, slowing him down.   
"Stop it, okay?"  
My hands on two strong chests trying to push them apart.   
"Move."  
You threatened me too, your eyes were fixed upon Reiner, your dark glare was more intimidating than ever. Everyone's eyes were focused on us. Reiner pushed forward and I held resistance. I leaned in closer to you, your eyes never leaving Reiner.  
"Don't do this."  
I said to you as persuasively as possible. Your expression did not change and you held your ground. Thankfully, I noticed a few people coming to pull Reiner back, saying calming words by his ear- seemed to be his group of friends. He shook it off and seemed to have calmed down, sighing angrily and turning around to make his way. Your glare however was still fixed upon him, and I shook your shoulders gently. I forced you to look at me, gently grabbing a hold of your chin.   
"Just don't. Please."  
You finally looked into my eyes and your gaze softened slightly. You held tight into my wrist and gently began to loosen your grip. You pulled my wrist down from your chin, your glare now fixed upon me. You turned around and began walking through the crowd, still keeping a tight hold on my wrist behind you. Everyone's eyes were following us as we made our way through the crowd towards the exit of the club. A lot of people tried to talk to you but you brushed them off. The cold wind hit my face like a truck as we exited the club. Cars passing by with full speed on the road, people laughing, the faint sound of the music inside that's all that could be heard as we walked towards your car.   
I could smell your cologne as you walked in front of me. I could see how nicely cut the back of your hair was on your clean undercut. I could see your neck muscles tense slightly against the cold and I licked and bit my lips at how badly I wanted you right now. I didn't want to admit but I was very turned on by everything that happened back there. Your glare made me want to rip your clothes off and make you mine. You didn't say a single thing or look back once. Your pace was eager and quick, as if you were in a hurry.   
"Levi-"  
Your hold on my wrist was tight, pulling me forward, causing me to stumble quite a few times.   
"Levi, where are we going?"  
I tried to reason with you but you seemed like you couldn't speak my language at that moment. You kept facing forward ignoring every single question. We were approaching your car, it was very close now.   
"Levi!"  
I tried to pull away but you held on to me tight, with one strong pull of your hand you swang me across you and pushed me on door of your car making me face you. The loud bang noise covered my gasp of pain as my back hit the cold glass and metal.   
"Wha-"  
Suddenly I felt my lips blocked completely. My voice was muffled by your sudden attack. Shock running through my entire body. Your hand gripping my chin tight, your lips attacking mine viciously, teeth biting at my lower lip violently, while your other hand tangled in my hair at the back of my head. You kissed me angrily but very passionately, and before I knew it my lips were moving in sync with yours. I waited to taste you again for what felt like an eternity. My face turned into a frown of need, my hands wrapped around you tight immediately, at the back of your neck and waist, the cold of the air evaporating completely from the heat travelling through my body. You pressed your body against mine, pushing me hard against the glass, tasting the blood on my lips, your tongue goes past teasing mine. I moan into the kiss, your hands travel under my shirt, your fingertips teasing my skin. Our thighs tangle, our crotches touch from under our clothes; I was painfully hard for you once again. I rubbed my thigh against your cock and you groaned in my mouth, digging your nails into the skin under my shirt.   
"Come to mine."  
You broke the kiss to give me the command, breathing the words onto my lips only for a second before we connected once again. And again. And again. Right there in the cold, in the middle of the night, outside your car, for everyone to see, we couldn't break that fucking kiss.   
Scared that if we stopped the moment would be lost; how we felt in that moment would be gone; it would all turn into a memory; and it was a memory that I would cherish forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo what do you guys think of the way this is going?  
> Feedback is always welcome! Hope you enjoyed!


	7. Have You Ever Been In Love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm nothing."
> 
> You said, shaking your head.
> 
> "You're everything!"
> 
> My voice louder; a tear going down my cheek. Why was I so emotional? My voice cracking, my heart leaking, my chest heavy.
> 
> "You're fucking everything to me..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my fellow readers! Hope everyone is having a wonderful day, I'm going to drop this right here and hope that it is to your liking! If you enjoy my work please give me some kudos! Any feedback positive or not is welcome so feel free to leave a comment!  
> Thank you so much and enjoy!

You pushed me hard on the bed; didn't even bother taking your clothes off before you were on top of me. I was already moaning, your hot lips on my neck, kissing me sensually, your body grinding against mine. I wrapped my leg and arms around your body, pulling you towards me desperately. I wanted more, more, more. More of you- your kiss made me feel dizzy, your touch was enough to make me cry. I was overwhelmed with feelings, your hands finally touching my body, your lips finally connected to mine; I could smell you, I could feel you, I could taste you. You broke the kiss and kept kissing at my neck and collarbone; your fingers undoing my shirt buttons impatiently. Eager as I was I helped you unbutton them, ripping some buttons in the process, but I couldn't care less. My shirt was finally open and you began kissing my chest. I moaned and thrusted upwards, grinding my hard cock against you. You groaned and took one of my nipples in your mouth. My skin tingled and I felt shivers down my entire spine. Your hands were on my waist, holding my body tight in place.  
 _Ah, fuck just take me_.   
"Levi"  
Your name escaped my lips between moans and pants, my hands tangled in your hair pulling at your strands. You took my other nipple in your mouth, while you hand started undoing my trousers. I helped you, pushing my trousers and boxers down enough for my cock to spring out proudly. It was already leaking when you touched it. I hissed.

"I love how you get so fucking wet for me."

Your voice was husky and low in the dark room as you spoke against my skin and it gave me goosebumps throughout my entire body. Your mouth was back at my nipple suckling and biting gently; while your hand was going up and down my shaft. I closed my eyes, threw my head back and moaned at the powerful sensation.   
_God, I feel like I'm going to die._  
 _Ah, I can't take it._   
I panted uncontrollably.   
"Oh- oh- fuck- you drive m-me in-sane"  
I managed to say in broken syllables between moans and pants. You released my nipple to look at me through hooded eyes and you bit your lips seductively.

"You know exactly what to say to me, don't you"

You spoke with lust dripping from your voice; your lips connect to my skin once again, now on my neck close to my jawline. Your hands pace quickened and I twitched, precum leaking out of me making your hand slide easily up and down. My nails dug into the skin of your back and I started thrusting forward to meet your hand. I could cum any second now.   
You bit my skin and placed your hand on my jawline, holding my face in line to yours; and just watched me- just watched my expression with hooded eyes full of desire, biting your lip and tightening your jaw; getting high of my moans.

"L-Levi- ah- ah"

I was so close to letting myself go, I felt it was getting too hard for me to control. My toes curled and my nails dug deep into your skin. I thought I was going to collapse but you held me tight; you held me tight but gently as if I was the most fragile thing you've ever handled. You kissed at my neck gently making me shiver, your cock was rock hard under your trousers as you grinded against my thigh- God, how I wanted to feel you inside of me; Oh, what I wouldn't do just to feel you for one moment.

"I-I'm-"

I couldn't even form a sentence but you knew exactly what I was trying to say. I felt your breath right beside my ear. I thruster forward and moaned loudly, fuck I was going to cum.

"Not yet."

You stopped and held my cock at the base, stopping me from ejaculating. I drag my nails down your back in frustration earning a groan of pain from you as I ripped scratches into your skin. You kissed my lips hungrily and bit my lip hard enough to draw blood; the irony taste immediately appeared at the tip of my tongue. You pulled away and sat up. You took your shirt off as I lay there panting like a dog, in awe at your beautiful body; your muscles shining in sweat under the moonlight illuminated by your large window. Fuck I couldn't believe how beautiful you were. You undid your trousers and pulled them down, your erection sprung free and I felt my mouth water. It was almost red and swollen, a small bead of precum at the tip, I couldn't help but feel proud that it was all because of me. You looked into my eyes, as you pulled my boxers and jeans off completely, leaving me completely naked in front of you for the first time. I felt very self-conscious; I was completely sober this time- nothing to numb my brain. I nervously covered my lower regions with my hand when I noticed you stare me up and down shamelessly.   
You licked your lower lip, biting it into a slight smile; wasted no time to lean over and grip my wrist, gently pulling my hand away.

"I want to see all of you."

You laid down on your stomach, your hand grabbing my outer thigh, your cheek resting on my inner thigh, placing gentle kisses on my skin.

"Every part of you."

You breathed against my skin and I bit my lip at the sight. I shivered as your teeth grazed my skin; your eyes were semi-closed, the look reflecting on them projected plain need and desire, as your lips went closer and closer to where I needed you the most. I tangled my fingers on your black hair and grabbed by your jawline and neck with my other hand. You bit on my inner thigh and I hissed.   
_God, I need you_.   
You were so close now, your eyes never leaving mine; you gently grabbed my length with your palm bringing it close to your face. You moved your hand slowly up and down; opening your mouth slightly along the length. I could feel your hot breath on the skin of my clock, and it twitched in anticipation. My heart skipped a beat, my spine tingled, I bit my lip so hard I could taste the blood at the tip of my tongue.  
"P-please."  
I begged. My pants needy, my legs trembling under your touch. Fuck, you were so close now. So close to where I needed you the most.

"Please, what?"

You whispered against my cock, my head shot back and I thrust my hips unintentionally making the tip of your nose touch at my length. You hooked your other hand around my thigh holding me down. I panted, trying to compose myself, droplets of sweat gathering at my forehead. I looked at you through hooded-eyes; possessed with need, desperation and lust, my mouth hanging open, my panting uncontrollable.

"Make-make a mess out of me"

I managed to say, my chest moving up and down as I breathed unevenly. You inhaled sharply and gritted your teeth, bit your lip and dug your nails into the skin of my thigh making me gasp; before you licked along my shaft without warning.

"Ooh-"

I moaned; my head shooting back, I yanked your hair accidentally and you groaned. You held my hips down and you pushed my length in your mouth, bobbing your head up and down; swirling your tongue in circles at the tip.  
 _Oh, fuck_.   
My head was spinning; my eyes rolling at the back of my head. What is this sensation?   
I've never felt so good before. I held tight onto your hair as you sucked me whole, juices dripping down to my balls, I was already so close to cumming.

"Ah! Ah, f-fuck-"

I screamed and moaned under you, my body shaking uncontrollably, I was so close; you hummed around my cock, causing vibrations along the entire shaft- fuck, you were really making a mess out of me.   
You looked up at me and the sight was one of the most vivid memories I will ever have. Your cheeks hollow as you suck me, your grey eyes piercing me with the most erotic gaze; slightly watery as they look up at me, your lips wrapped around me, reddened and swollen by the pressure, your fingertips digging into my inner thigh, pulling my legs apart wider for you. This was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen in my life. All the feelings rushing through my body so fucking intense I thought I was dreaming. I closed my eyes and threw my head back.

"Oooh- shit-Levi! Levi!"

I screamed your name as my body submitted completely to your command; your every movement causing new sensations; new reactions. You bobbed your head faster, your hand moving under me to massage my balls sensually.   
"Ooooh, fuck!"  
I moaned and panted loud, my body was your slut; your whore; all for you to do whatever you wanted with- my hips thrusting forward to fill your mouth to the brim. You moaned around my cock sensing my release approaching; I gasped when I felt a familiar feeling well up in my stomach, when I felt my muscles contract and my body twitch.

"You're gonna make me-"  
My eyes widened- my breath hitched- my heart skipped a beat- my mouth open-  
"Aaah! Haaaah- Levi, Levi, Lev-"  
I saw white as I screamed your name like a mantra, every vessel in my body felt like it popped as I shot white ribbons into your hot mouth. Your held my body close against you, my cock burning deep in your throat. You let me ride out my orgasm, thrusting between your lips, drinking every drop of my sinful lust, accepting me as a whole. When I finally came down my high, you sucked from the base to tip, your lips making a pop sound as you released my cock.   
You licked your lips and stared at my face, with a content look, happy with what you'd managed to do. My hair sticking to my forehead, my cheeks red, my lips bloody from the biting, my neck sweaty, my eyes hooded and teary, my panting causing my chest to ride up and down as I lay. I felt myself lose consciousness, left weak and completely dizzy.   
You really did make a fucking mess out of me.

~~~

My eyes flattered open.   
I felt a cold breeze as I woke up. _Where am I?_  
 _Shit._  
 _Did I pass out?_  
 _Did I fall asleep after you went down on me?_  
 _Oh, shit._  
 _Where are you?_  
I touched by the other side of the bed and you weren't there. I sighed. I sat up and looked around. Your window was open, to reveal a small balcony. A faint smell of smoke was coming from outside. I stood up, rubbing my eyes and itching my head gently. I was too sleepy to find my clothes, I wrapped my naked body with the bed sheet and I slowly made my way to the balcony. The only light leading me was the moonlight. It must've been around 4a.m. I stepped outside and felt the cold breeze through my hair, brushing against my scalp, and I shivered.   
There you were.   
You were sitting down by the edge of the balcony, cigarette in hand, back against the wall, wearing your trousers and an unbuttoned shirt. Your hair messy, your skin shining, you looked stunning.   
"You're up?"  
Your voice groggy, as if you had just woken up as well. I rubbed my shoulders gently.   
"Yeah."  
I tried to smile. I stood there awkwardly, watching you smoke and stare away into the cloudy moon, occasionally lowering your eyes to take a puff and blow the smoke out.   
I felt so embarrassed and terrible for passing out after you went down on me. I didn't know how to tell you. I fondled my fingers nervously.

"I'm sorry-"  
I said weakly.  
"I-I didn't mean to fall asleep-"  
I paused, unsure what to say, my eyes looking down, my cheeks forming a slight blush.   
"I wanted to continue..."  
I said, mentally slapping myself in the face for not being able to form a correct sentence. You didn't move; your facial expression didn't change. I was only met with silence. Were you upset? Were you angry at me for falling asleep? You had every right to be... I fucked up again. I'm so stupid.

"You know, you're the first person that I've ever let sleep over"

Your voice interrupting my thoughts, your lips speaking against the bud of your cigarette. Your eyes still fixed upon the sight over the edge, your back touching against the wall. I froze.

"D-do you want me to go?"

My insecurities got the best of me. Maybe you're right for wanting me to leave. I couldn't take care of you and the deal was that we would take care of each other.   
You lowered your cigarette and turned to meet my gaze. Your eyes softened and your lips parted gently.

"No."  
I saw a faint glim in your eyes as you spoke.

" _Stay_."

I felt warmth gather up in my chest, a small ounce of light and hope deep in my heart and your lips curved into an almost smile, with a needy frown of your eyebrows.   
You patted the spot next to you inviting me to sit.

"Come here."

My heart started beating fast as I paced towards you, sitting down by the spot next to you. Our shoulders almost touching. I didn't say anything and just sat by you, enjoying being in your presence.

"Don't apologise. I-"  
You paused, your head tilting slightly to connect your eyes with mine;   
"I had a great time."  
You almost smiled before you faced forward again, taking another puff of your cigarette.

"You smoke a lot. It's bad."

I said mindlessly. God, can't I just shut my mouth when the time is right.   
You released a low chuckle and placed your head against the wall, pressing the cigarette against the floor, lighting it off.

"That's only one of a few bad things I do."  
I paused. What do you mean?   
"Like?"  
I asked, turning my body towards you, facing you. You looked my way and sighed, giving me only a one sided smile as a reply.  
It was weird. We hadn't really spoken much, but I feel like I've known you. I feel like I know what you need, what you want.

"How come you own a club?"  
I asked humorously. I smiled and you laughed softly. You turned your head to look me in the eyes again. I felt like I stopped breathing.

"My friend Farlan and I decided to open a gay bar a few years ago, since there were none in this city. Became pretty well known; we made enough to expand it and now it's a club."

You rubbed the back of your neck and rested your arms on your knees.

"So then why do you teach?"  
Maybe I was being too invasive. I should probably shut up.

"I studied for years. Was top of my class. My fathers little charm."

You shook your head and laughed ironically.

"It's my third year teaching. I'm trying to get away from nightlife. I'm failing though."  
Your answer was quick as if you had practiced that reply many times before. You sighed, your hot breath evaporating in the cold air. A few moments passed in silence. I wanted to ask you why you got angry at the club, but chose not to mention it. You didn't seem like you wanted to talk about it. There was something else I wanted to know about you, however.

"How did you know?"

I asked. My voice quiet, my heart beat fast. I wondered if you'd know what I meant, or if you'd make me explain myself, and I really didn't want to. I wondered if you knew or if you just found out suddenly like me. I didn't know who I was or what I was yet, and meeting you was helping me get closer to finding myself as I am.

"That I'm gay?"

Your voice was quiet, serious, you faced forward; you knew exactly what I meant-

"Yes."

I said, a slight blush on my cheeks for being too invasive. I hoped you didn't mind. Your eyes illuminated an ounce of pain, your lips twitched. You narrowed your eyes and lowered them.

"I've always known."

I swallowed; I wanted to know more. How did you find out? When did you find out? How was your first encounter? Have you ever been with a woman before?

"Never been with a woman. Knew since I was a kid."

Could you read my mind? I smiled to myself, thinking how you would just get me; you would just know what I wanted to hear, where I wanted to be touched, or how I wanted to be handled. It was strange but beautiful.

"You? Are you gay?"

You asked. I swallowed nervously. I stared fondling my fingers, eyes to the ground.

"I think I am."

Is all I said.

Silence.

"You're panicking."

Your voice cut through the air like a knife. Your words opening me up as if you could read me like a book. I didn't move or speak, all I could do was nod.

"What're you scared of?"

Your gaze was fixed upon me, your eyes friendly. I gulped. _What am I scared of? Why am I scared?_

"Family. People. Their reaction..?"

I said. You sighed and leaned your head back. _Did I say something wrong?_

"Okay. So?"

Your eyes fixed on the sky again. My tense body loosened up slightly.

"Say your parents disown you. Say people talk shit behind your back. Say you're only left with a couple friends. So what?"

Your lips form a slight smile. The moonlight illuminated on your steel eyes as you spoke.

"Does it change who you are? Does it make your life any worse?"

I felt tears building up but refused to let them escape. You turned to look into my eyes, your expression warm, gentle, accepting.

"If you ask me it makes it better. You won't be living a lie; and the people who'll have by your side will love you for who you are."

A tear escaped, making its way down my cheek.

"That's all you need."

Your hand reached over to wipe the tear off my face. I looked into your eyes and felt like you knew me so well. And you were right. If I was bold enough I would say that all I needed to be happy is you. Your words, the way you look at me, your touch, it comforted me. If we could sit on this balcony forever, talking about ourselves, who we are, our fears, our dreams, it would be more than enough to make me happy. If I could look into those eyes for the rest of my life, kiss those lips, touch this skin.  
That's all I need.

Maybe I didn't know you; and maybe nothing would come out of this.   
But it didn't stop me from falling in love with you.

"Kiss me."

Was all I managed to say. Feeling weak and stupid for not being able to tell you what I really meant. Your expression changed into a needy frown; you bit your lips gently and your eyes had a faint glim; and that's when I knew you knew- you leaned in closer and took my lips into a gentle, passionate kiss; your thumbs wiping my tears, your body warm against mine. You held me gently, your lips caressing mine comfortingly, your embrace was warm, soft, your touch was so powerful. You kissed me under the moonlight, held me tight and wouldn't let go. Wouldn't let go as if my life depended on it; as if you were scared I'd fall apart; and you were right. In that moment if you let me go I would fall apart; what you were giving me was all I needed; all that was keeping me sane and warm. You wouldn't let go.

 _That's when I knew you knew_.

* * *

"Do you drink coffee?"

Your voice groggy, for hair all messy, you wore your glasses, shirt off, only a pair of pijamas pants hanging low on your hips. Truly a marvellous sight first thing in the morning. You were already awake when I woke up, I found you in the kitchen. It was bright, with white furniture, sparkling clean. You motioned me to sit down by the table as you sipped coffee from your cup. I rubbed the back of my neck and sat down.

"Yes, thank you."  
I smiled brightly, blushing gently when memories of last night would come back to me. Made me feel slightly horny, and I still owed you one for falling asleep.

"Do you ever sleep?"

I asked; wondering why I kept finding you already awake when I woke. You had your back on me now, making coffee, giving me the best view I could ever ask for. Your back muscles tensed as you reached for a cup from the cabinet. Suddenly, a wave of shock went through me when I had a closer look at your skin. You a few large scars on your back, the pale scar tissue very apparent. Whatever those injuries were they must've been terrible. My heart ached at the thought of you going through pain; and I chose to pretend like I hadn't noticed your scars. You hummed questionably.

"I've got a severe case of insomnia."

You spoke humorously so I couldn't tell if you were being serious or not. I was too busy staring up and down at your figure, your ass was plump even when covered by the baggy pijamas you were wearing; complementing your body beautifully in a perfect curve.   
_Fuck._  
Your waist was slim but so muscular, made me want to touch your beautiful pale skin. I stood up and walked towards you.  
 _Fuck it._  
I placed my hands on each side of your body, my palms touching on the surface of the kitchen table where you were making the coffee. My stomach touched on your back, my crotch hard from watching you earlier, pressed against your ass. My nose and lips grazed on the side of your neck gently. You froze and shivered slightly from my touch. You turned your face to the side and pressed your cheek against my lips, and I kissed you sensually. You closed your eyes and bit your lip; my hands travelled to your waist and your abs pulling you closer against me, before they made their way down into your pants, under your boxers.   
You smirked when my hand grazed against your semi-hard member, and grinded your ass against my crotch.

"God, I want you..."

I whispered in your ear, as my hands were fondling you; rubbing you everywhere they could find. I felt you shiver when I took your dick out of your pants, and my hand started going up and down. Your threw your head back on my shoulder and moaned.

"Eren"

My name dripping of your lips like nectar. Your body bending over mine, your hands on my forearms, fingertips pressing tight, nails digging in my skin. I hissed and turned you around with force and you let me. Your head hit the cupboard and you smirked.

"Oh?"

You bit your lip gently and grabbed me by the jaw, bringing my face in to a rough, passionate kiss. Your cock in my hand, your hand on my ass while the other holding tight by my jawline. You bit my lips, and pushed me back, breaking the kiss. Your fingers made their way under the fabric of my boxers, giving yourself access to my bare skin, you grabbed a cheek on your palm, looking at me through hooded eyes, squeezing tight and biting your lip. I moaned and hissed, your erotic gaze making my head spin. I pulled your hand back by the wrist and kissed your neck hungrily, you cock was leaking precum in my hand and I was determined to return the favour for last night. You titled your head to the side giving me more skin to kiss, your hips thrusted forward to meet the movements of my hand.

"I want to suck you"

I whispered against the skin of your neck. I started kissing my way down to your chest; your hands tangled in my hair while my tongue licked and my teeth bit at your skin. You groaned and yanked my hair, pulling my head back forcing me to look you in the eyes. I gasped in pain, but quickly forgot about it when I saw the erotic look in your eyes.

"Suck me."

You bit your lip, and pulled my hair, making me fall on my knees. Your cock was only centimetres away from my face and I licked my lips, admiring its length and width. It looked so delicious, dark pink, veins popping out all around from the heat, a bead of precum at the tip. My hands rested on your hips as I pulled you closer. Your tip touched my lips and I licked it gently. I was nervous, I'd never done this before. You hissed and your hand moved from the back of my head to my chin, you pulled my lower lip with your thumb and let it bounce back on your cock.   
_Fuck._  
I looked up into your eyes as I opened my mouth to take in as much as I could of your hard cock. It tasted bittersweet, and I moaned around your shaft as it hit the back of my throat.   
"Fuck."  
You cursed and threw your head back, as I started bobbing my head up and down, trying to remember and do what you did to me, knowing how good it felt. Your hand moved to the back of my head again, tangling into my hair, pulling on the strands gently. I made sure to keep my teeth away as I took it in deep and then swirled my tongue on the tip, my hand following my movements.

"Oh-"

Your moans were close to making me cum in my boxers, my cock was leaking, causing a wet stain to appear. I cupped your balls and played with them gently as my mouth quickened its pace. You groaned.

"Baby"

My heart skipped a beat as your husky voice called me baby, I moaned around your cock, shivers going down my spine.   
God, please say that again.   
Drops of saliva started falling down on the kitchen floor as your tip kept hitting my throat, my other hand cupped your ass and I deepthroated you as far as I could. You moaned and closed your eyes in a needy frown.

"Ah! Yeah, just like that"

You hand pushing the back of my head forcing yourself deeper. My eyes watering, the sides of my mouth burning; but it felt so good. It felt so good to have you inside me somehow, to make you feel this good. It felt so good to have you above me, panting, moaning, groaning and cursing for me. Going crazy just for me.

"Just like that, baby"

My pace quickened, I started going deeper, faster, harder, my grip on your balls tighten slightly and you bite your lip.

" _Eren_ "

My name falls off your lips in between moans; your grip on my hair tightens and I moan in pain, you start thrusting your hips to meet my wet mouth; you're close.

"You're going to make me cum"

Your words send tingles all the way to my dick, I was ready to cum as well. I reach down and slide my hand down my boxers, my cock twitches immediately at the touch. I jack myself with the same pace as I suck you. Tears going down my face as your tip kept hitting the back of my throat; but I fucking loved it. Suddenly your body tenses, your balls start twitching, I feel you shoot inside my mouth, moans escape your mouth, your head hanging back.

"Eren- Eren"

My name like a mantra in between your pants and moans, as you cum inside my mouth, I frown and moan around your cock, as my body starts to twitch as well; the sight being too much for me to handle. I cum with a few movements of my hand, making my boxers dripping wet. I release your cock from my mouth and moan, riding out my orgasm on my knees I front of you.

"Holy shit"

I thought I heard you cuss as my head wouldn't stop spinning. I fell forward and you caught me by the shoulders. You kneeled down in front of me and let me rest my head on your shoulder. I panted uncontrollably as the heat of my orgasm started to fade. The warmth of your body felt relieving.

"You okay?"

You hand rubbing my back gently in circles. I smiled and nodded; nuzzling your neck and kissing at the skin. You let me and held me close.

"I'm sorry if I was rough; I kinda forgot you probably haven't done this before"

You sounded very apologetic and I giggled gently.

"I think I like rough."

Is all I said. You let out a gentle sigh, followed by a quiet laugh. 

~~~

You were silent, you were almost finished with your food and you were playing around with your fork. We hadn't said a word during the whole meal. You were acting very distant since I asked to take you on a date when we were back at yours. I thought you'd like this diner, but you hadn't said a single word. I thought you'd like it if we went out for once, but it just looked like I had forced you come with me. I was very nervous and I didn't really know what to say.

"Do you like the food?"

I asked, pulling my sleeves down nervously. You didn't look up at me, your steel eyes staring at your plate, your long finger tightening on the fork.

"Yes, its good. Yours?"

Your expression didn't change, your voice dull. I started panicking. What's going on? Why are you like this? We had an amazing night, we had an amazing morning and were at a nice diner for a date. Why're you being like this?

"Did I do something wrong?"

My insecurity was brought to the surface as I asked you nervously; my voice trembling a little bit. You put your fork down and sat back. You adjusted your glasses and your eyes looked up to me.

"You haven't."

Was all you said. I frowned and sighed, shaking my head.

"Levi, what the fuck is the problem?"

My frustration grew stronger and my filter grew thin.

"We had a great time. We spent a great night together, we talked.. we had a great morn-"

"That's the problem! Okay? That's the problem."

You cut me off. Your voice slightly louder than you planned; you were looking around making sure you didn't disturb anyone. You sighed and took your glasses off rubbing your eyes.

"Eren..."

You began... and I could tell something bad was coming. I could tell something hurtful was going to come out of your mouth.

"Look, this is escalating too fast."

Your voice low, unsure.

"We're acting like a fucking couple."

You said, humorously, a fake smile at the edge of your lips; before it faded quickly and you swallowed nervously.

"So? So what?"

I asked. Hurt, broken. But I let that slide.

"You-"  
You began to speak, before you cut it off. You looked away and bit your lip as if it was hard for you to speak.

" _You should stay away from me._ "

You said. My eyes widened in shock, I dropped my fork on my plate. Your words cutting me like a knife. My mouth was open but I couldn't speak, I couldn't breath.

You frowned.

"I'm a mess."

You said. Your lips twitched. My eyes watered and I felt like I would cry. I hated that I cried so much around you. I just cared too much.

"I'm going to ruin you. I'm-"

Your hands trembled slightly.

"I-"

You bit your lip and shook your head in disbelief. It seemed as if you were trying to say something but it wouldn't come out.

"When I saw someone else touch you- I-"

Your voice was weak and it almost cracked. I blinked in anticipation.

"I wanted to _kill_ him."

Your eyes were now fixed on mine.

"And- and last night; when you said you were scared-"

You sighed and swallowed. My heart skipped a few beats.

"I know how you feel, Eren. I've felt that. You need to find yourself, with someone who isn't lost. Someone else. I'm not- I can't just keep things casual- we can't just keep things casual, us two."

You remained silent after that. It took me a few moments to process what you said until I finally spoke.

"I want to find myself with you."

I said with determination. I was in love with you. I wanted you.

"I'm a waste of space. I'm a pile of rotten meat."  
You shook your head in denial. I wondered what you meant. I wondered why you hated yourself so much. But I needed you to know this first.

"You're all I want."

My heart spoke for me; my voice cracking; tears gathering in my eye. You froze. The expression on your face went from shocked, to a sad frown.

"I'm nothing."

You said, shaking your head.

" _You're everything_!"

My voice louder; a tear going down my cheek. Why was I so emotional? My voice cracking, my heart leaking, my chest heavy.

"You're fucking everything to me..."

I finally said what's been on my mind for so many weeks. You meant everything. My whole world revolved around you. I knew it was too much; and I never thought I'd tell you. I never thought I'd tell you this soon.

Silence. You froze completely. The shock on your face apparent. Your movements slow. I stared at you nervously, my breathing uneven, my heart beat fast. My fingers shook uncontrollably. I bit my lip in anticipation. After a few moments, you finally spoke.

"Eren..."

Your expression softened, you leaned in closer to me. Your voice calm.

"You're young; you have so much life ahead of you. I've made mistakes; I've ruined my life. I'm a loser. I'm not who you think I am. You have a chance at a good life. Take it."

You didn't move, your eyes looking straight into mine.   
_No. I know who you are._

"I want to know you. I want to know everything about y-"

"You can't help me Eren. I'm long gone. I'm a lost case. Way too fucked up for you to be able to scoop my broken pieces up."

You cut me off.

"Don't waste your time."  
You said.

I huffed angrily, tears keep going down my face. My fingers curl into fists.

"I don't give a shit."

I said. My voice low like a growl.

"I don't give a shit if you're fucked up or not. We're all fucked up in our own way."

My eyes narrowed in a determined manner, my fists tightening in frustration.

You laughed quietly and shook your head.

"Kid. You don't have the slightest clue of the dark place I call life."

Your words venomous. Your expression aggressive.

"I'm going to ruin you; just like I've ruined myself-"

You cut yourself off. You took money out of your wallet and threw it on the table. You stood up.

"I'll drive you home."

Your voice dark, weak, sharp like rod piercing through my heart. I grabbed you by the wrist as you tried to walk by me. Tears in my eyes and down my face. 

' _Have you ever been in love?_ '

My voice cracked, my crying apparent. I looked deep into your eyes as you froze. I wanted to tell you how I feel about you; I wanted to tell you what you meant to me. But when I looked into your widened eyes, all I saw was terrifying horror plastered on your face.


	8. Past and Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains the themes of death, drug use and rape. It's a very heavy chapter, containing Levi's past and it's vital to the story but if you can't handle these themes you should skip this chapter,  
> Thank you :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS! I'm so sorry for the late update I got super busy today! Hope you enjoy this chapter and please don't hate me if it's a bit too dark! Things will get better soon enough! Also, this chapter is on Levi's POV.  
> Enjoy!

_"Levi"_

I remember him so well. His voice; his pale skin; his black hair and his bright blue eyes.

_'Have you ever been in love?'_

I remember how soft his skin felt, how warm his lips were, how hypnotizing his scent was; and I remember when he asked me for the first time if I had ever been in love. The boy that was my first love; the boy whose face still haunts me till this day.

' _Have you?'_

He asked me again and I couldn't help but get lost in his eyes; drawn in by his smile; the same smile that was the only friendly element; the only safe place I had to go to. A place where I could be myself. I remember our first kiss. It was on the last day of high school; right before summer break. We were only 17 and we were so different. He was so open; bright and sociable. His family was so warm; they accepted him, they accepted us. But things were different for me; I was my father's little charm. I was top of my class, I knew how to play the piano and I would go to church with my parents every Sunday. My father hated the idea of homosexuality, he would call gays sick; he would say he'd rather his child be dead than gay. I never came out. I closed myself up; I kept us a secret. Nobody knew about us, but he was all I had; and he was all I needed. I would come over for dinner and I'd end up sleeping at his place; we would talk all night and make love until morning. His mother loved me, him and his family were there for me when my mother passed away when I was 18. He was my rock; he was my everything.

_'I love you so much'_

I remember his arms around me as I held him by the waist on top of me. I remember him whispering how much he loves me in my ear; his moans; his heart beat. I remember how good it felt, how complete it felt to be inside of him. How safe I felt, how warm I felt, wrapped around his skin. He was my everything.  
We were 21 and finally finished with our studies; our plan was to move away together and never come back. On our graduation night, I took him to my tree house. I spent years building it cause he'd told me it was his dream to live in one and it was finally finished. I was so excited to show him, so excited to make love to him, so excited to tell him how much I love him- to start a new life with him.  
_I was wrong._  
_I was stupid._  
_I was naive._  
If only I'd known my father had started suspecting us. If only I'd known he'd been asking around about us. If only I'd known he'd found out about us. If only I'd known that night; that he had followed us.  
_If only I'd known_.  
Before I took him there; before I undressed him; before I kissed his entire body; before I had him on top of me; moaning my name; whispering how much he loves me; before it was all over in one second.

_"You fucking fags!"_

I watched; I watched as his beautiful face became distorted in a frown of pain; as the gorgeous blue eyes I was looking into flattered closed; as his soft, pale skin became stained in crimson. I saw the edge of the blade shoot out of his chest, and then disappear back inside his body, as the knife was pulled out.  
My blood froze ice cold as I watched him fall unconscious on top of me. Blood flowing down his body and on to my hands that were holding on to his waist. Disturbingly, I was still inside of him and I fought desperately to wake him up, shaking his shoulders vigorously. I saw a shadow linger in the dark, a bloody blade in his hand, glimmering in the moonlight, my fathers face behind it all, a furious expression imprinted over it. I placed my lover beside me, his body hit the ground like a sack of rotten meat, he was pale and lifeless; I shook him desperately, screaming his name, tears rolling down my face when I realised how fatal his wound was. As if my father had planned it ever so carefully, my lover was killed instantly, his beautiful heart pierced right at the centre; his lifeless naked body in front of me, me lingering above it, praying to the God I never believed in, that he would not be taken away from me.

_"You fucking disgrace!"_

My fathers voice faint as I was praying and screaming his name out loud, but not even close to as terrifyingly loud, when I felt the sharp pain of betrayal that came to me from behind. I screamed in pain as the blade entered me, piercing through the skin of my shoulder, cutting through my flesh and bones.

"Die!"

Before I could manage to turn around, I felt it hit again, the same pain again, cutting right through me; my voice broke, my vision blurred from the pain.

"Die, you piece of shit!"

My fathers voice overcome with furry, anger and hate. The act of absolute betrayal he had just commuted, being enough of a sign to me that he was not my father anymore. I knew what I had to do; but I couldn't bring my heart to it. I knew what I had to do but for the first time in my life I was scared, and I thought it was the end. I looked at my lovers face; feeling dizzy, hallucinating from the pain.

" _Run_."

I knew that's what he'd say; I knew he'd want me to live; I knew he'd want me to get up and run for my life; even if it excluded him.

_"Run, Levi..."_

My heart broke in a million pieces beyond repair, the physical pain I was feeling was nothing compared to the mental strain I was going through. I pushed myself to my limit using whatever strength I had left to move out of the way, evading my fathers third and lethal hit.

* * *

Seconds turned to hours, hours turned to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, and I still couldn't sleep at night, without seeing his lifeless face, his cold body, his broken frame. My nightmares would bring that night back in reality, I would see it all again and again.  
All the plans I had, were only a faded memory of what could have been. All my dreams were just some past illusion. Finding a job and moving away was out of the question.  
I was too busy doing things to get him off my mind. To forget him. To forget how lonely I was. To forget how stupid I was.  
My quality of life soon became equivalent to nothing. My will to live only tied to thin threads of memories. I had moved away from my neighbourhood; everyone found out about my father and I, how our selfishness killed an innocent life. Even though my father would spend the rest of his life in prison, just being there only reminded me of the horror I lived through that night. I spent months at the hospital recovering physically and mentally, before I moved away with my friend Farlan. My lovers parents came to visit me once in a while; and it broke me that they supported me; told me they'd be there for me. It broke me that after what I did to their son, they still wanted to help me. It would've been easier for me to just end it all, to just take my own life and be over with it; but knowing I was all they had left of a memory of their son; I was forced to keep going; keep living my life; getting high and drunk; fucking different guys every night; just so I can forget the fact that I am a useless pig, a useless nothing that wasted a precious life out of fear.

I could never face them again after I left the hospital. I don't think I could even if I wanted to; I had become someone else. A broken version of myself; a distorted memory of what could have been. I would numb myself of the pain; I would destroy myself more and more, hoping that one day my rotten body wouldn't hold out anymore. I stripped myself from whatever feeling I could have felt; I gave myself to anyone who would want me.  
Every night I'd go out, jobless, spending all my fathers leftover money on heroine, cocaine, alcohol and nicotine, I'd go out and find myself in the most bizarre places, the darkest, underground facilities, sniffing the white powder from the bathroom floor, pushing the needle in my vein to numb the pain in my chest. After that I could never remember; how I'd end up in Farlans bathtub, crying; screaming, nail marks over my back, hickeys all over my neck.

_Who had I given myself to that night?_  
_To whom did I owe the pleasure?_  
_Who had dirtied my body?_  
_Who had blackened my soul?_  
_Who had tasted my filth?_

I didn't know. I never knew. Never remembered their faces. Never remembered their names. I was lost; I was faded.  
However, it wasn't long before my fathers precious stash of quid had run out. It wasn't long before I found myself begging Farlan for money. He never obliged; trying to stop me from going out; trying to help me sober up.  
The nights without it, made my blood boil. The chills throughout my body, the sweat running down my pores; the unbearable pain shooting through my bones. I was addicted.

"Please! Please I only need one shot!"

I remember begging him, on my knees, the pain travelling through me like spikes; the memories all coming back to me; the scars on my back throbbing. One shot was never enough. It wasn't long before I'd ask him for more. And more. And more.  
And one day he stopped obliging. He wouldn't even give me half a shot of that sweet substance that would run though my veins and numb me entirely; to the point where I'd forget who I was; my past; my present; my future.

I _needed_ it.

To the point where I hit the lowest one could ever go.

_"And what do you want in return, sweetheart?"_

I would always wonder why were they even willing to pay to fuck me?  
Were they really that desperate?

My answer to their question was always the same.

" _Heroin_."

Word spread. Everyone knew, they could have me for just an ounce. They could enjoy a whole night with me; do whatever they want to me, just for one little shot.  
I would wear my skimpy outfits and my black eyeliner, my heavy cologne and tight underwear; I would take a shot of cocaine before my shifts to help me go through the nights. My rotten body had given up on me long ago.  
I would lie there lifeless; while they ripped into me, blood going down my thighs, tears rolling down my face; but I felt nothing. I deserved it. I deserved the pain. I deserved to suffer. It was the only thing I was good for.  
It became a way of life, by the time I was 23, everyone in the town knew my occupation. They knew I would do everything. Anything for money. Anything for drugs. I was highly sought after; one of the freakiest whores out there; and I was damn good at my job.

_"How much for a few hours?"_

Some wanted to be fucked by me, some wanted to fuck me, others wanted to fuck me along with their friends, others just wanted to try it out with a guy, others wanted to take out all their frustration on me, others had fetishes too fucked up to practise on anyone else.

 _"Depends on what you want_."

I accepted all offers. Anything to take care of my needs. I would let them hit me, cut me, break me, rape me, humiliate me, anything that would get them off, anything that would get me my drugs.  
I would go home beaten, bleeding, limping, broken, defeated.  
Farlan knew. He tried to talk me out it and deep down he knew I wasn't going to hold out much longer, but he never kicked me out of the house.

"Levi, you're going to die! You're going to die in the end! Look at you! You're killing yourself!"

He would scream at the top of his lungs. He would cry sometimes too; shaking uncontrollably. His words would never get to me; they would always give me a deep satisfaction. Joy and excitement. I would smile.

" _Good_."

My eyes would light up, and I would feel a slight joy; the sound of death giving the most satisfaction I had ever felt for a long time. It was my end goal after all, to self-destruct until I leave my last breath, the pain too great for me to handle, the memories distorting my vision completely.

_"Do you think he'd be happy if he saw you like this?"_

On that day, I remember I felt a tingle in my spine. My eyes jolting open and anger taking over my very being. Farlan's words piercing right through me.

" _Do you think that he'd w_ _ant_ _you to do this to yourself?!"_

I could still feel disgusting men's hands all over me, my clothes ripped, my lips bloody, my eye blackened, bruises covering my bony body; I could barely stand; my vision blurry from the high; but I understood.

_"It's not your fault! Stop punishing yourself! Please. Levi, please!"_

It was the first time after a long time that I cried. The first time that I cried the reason not being physical pain. I knew I had disappointed him. I knew I was a loser; but I thought it was the only thing I was good for. It took me very long, many painful nights, many regretful mistakes, many near-fatal encounters for me to realise; to remember what the last thing he told me was.

_"I love you so much."_

I remembered that once, a long time ago, somewhere in my distorted memories, someone loved me. Someone loved me for who I was. Someone loved me and to him I was special. To him I was someone worth fighting for.  
When did I stop? When did I stop fighting? When did I stop trying? It took me very long to realise.

_I should try._

* * *

That was when Farlan and I moved to Birmingham. Used whatever money we had left to rent a small place, start over, and fight to get me out of the heavy drug use I was involved in.

To this day, I never managed to completely stop; but found the power to cut a large amount, being sober from heroin for a long time.

We had the idea to open a bar together, after noticing the city had no gay bars at all, and managed to save up enough to open a very successful business which eventually bloomed to a club business. My lifestyle hadn't changed too much, I would still get high and have mindless sex every night; and I still felt nothing but dead inside.

By the age of 24, I decided I wanted to use my diplomatic history degree I had studied so hard for, and pursue a career in teaching. After two long years of studying and trying very hard, I finally managed to find a teaching position at university; but still it never brought colour into my life.

By the age of 29 I was certain nothing could save me; teaching would bore me, nights out would leave me feeling empty; sex would mean nothing to me; getting high was a must to keep me sane, nightmares still kept me awake at night. I was so close; so close to ending it all. So close to taking my life. At least I could say that I tried and nothing worked. Nothing had meaning. Nothing; nothing until that day.

Until the day I turned around to face my new class, only to be faced with the most beautiful sight; the day a beautiful pair of green eyes met mine and I saw you for the first time.

 _Eren_.

* * *

"Have you ever been in love?"

Your gorgeous green eyes were stained red, wet with tears, your lips trembling and your bright face darkened in a desperate frown. You held me tight by the wrist, stopping me from walking away.  
It happened again.  
The same question.  
The same beginning.  
The same feeling.  
  


"Have you?!"

Your voice sounded desperate as you pulled me closer. My face imprinting a plain look of shock, not even close enough to the deep horror I was feeling inside of me.

"Tell me."

You cried, the tears going down your cheek, making my heart break at the sight. I hated that I felt the need to hold you tight, tell you everything is okay, and that I need you just as much as you need me. But you didn't need me... you didn't need me at all; and I needed you more than anything. That was the difference between us two.

"Eren..."

I felt my chest crack at the words forming in my mind but I knew this had to be done. This had to be done, before I ruin another innocent human being. And you were so much more than just that. You were innocent and pure; you were beautiful in every way I could think of, you were a plain miracle; truly something unique; something I'd never encountered before. My feelings for you were so strong. So so strong; that they frightened me so much they sent chills throughout my entire body. It has been so long since I've felt this way. So long since I've wanted to be who I use to be.

"This needs to stop here."

My gaze to the ground. I couldn't look you in the eyes. Couldn't look because I knew you'd read through my lie. You deserved better. You deserved the absolute best.  
I heard you huff.

"You're lying!"

Your voice loud and determined as you stood up in a quick movement, our faces centimetres apart. You bit your lip and your face had turned into a saddened frown. The tip of your nose and your cheeks were red and you sniffed, wiping your tears with your sleeve. You were so adorable; so beautiful, even when you cried. I wanted to hold you; I wanted to kiss you- I wanted to make love to you- so fucking desperately.  
I breathed in; noticing a lot of people were looking at our direction. I gently pulled my wrist out of your hold.

"Let's go outside."

I said calmly, turning around making my way towards the exit of the restaurant. It was dark out, the cold air cut right through me, I flinched when I felt the wetness of the rain. I didn't want to get wet, but I didn't want us to leave either. I didn't want to take you home. I wanted to spend more time with you; but you couldn't know. I kept walking towards my car.

"I don't want to go home."

I heard you say quietly in the cold nights air. I opened the back door of my car, pulling out an umbrella. I turn to look at you; you were right behind me; following so loyally.

"Then lets walk."

You nod, a slight smile on your crying face. I opened the umbrella, and you came towards me, covering yourself under the umbrella with me. We start walking, our shoulders touching, that single small touch, sending tingles down my whole arm. I wanted to wrap it around you; but I stopped myself. I wanted to hug you; but I stopped myself. I wanted to kiss you; touch you; tell you so many things; but I stopped myself every time. It just wasn't right. I looked at your gorgeous face, my heart beating fast in the cold air; your tears had dried on your cheeks. I'm hurting you.

"You always cry when you're with me."

I said.  
You flinched and wiped your already dry cheeks again with your wrist.

"I'm sorry. I- "

Don't.

"It's my fault."  
I cut you off. You froze in confusion and turned to look at me; your beautiful green orbs fixed upon my face.  
"I keep upsetting you."  
I hated myself for doing that to you; but it was all I'd ever known. I'd forgotten how to love. How to make someone happy.

"I'm sorry."

I pushed myself to my limit; I felt it had to be said. It was wrong of me to break you so much; it was wrong of me to take so much. Your reddened face suddenly lit up, your pink lips curved into a beautiful smile; your white teeth complimenting your perfectly symmetrical face; and those eyes- those beautiful green gems that won my heart over the first moment I saw them- beautifully creasing at the edges where your cheekbones appeared as you smiled. I felt warmth inside my heart when I saw you happy; when I saw you smile. Even when you were with your friends in class; seeing you joke around with them; seeing you enjoying yourself; it made me happy. And it had been so long since I felt happy; even if it was momentarily.  
We kept waking through the town; it was dark and there weren't many people around. We weren't taking at all; you would occasionally look towards me and smile. It felt good.  
Seconds went by, minutes, maybe it had even been an hour of us walking silently in the rain. We reached the canals of Birmingham, started waking along; nothing was heard but the sound of the rain as it made contact with the water beside us. We started waking across the bridge leading us back to town.

"Levi"

Your voice interrupting the silence.

"Yesterday when we were sitting at your balcony"

We stopped walking; stood on the bridge separating us from the canals and the city lights.

"You said I shouldn't panic. "

You rested your forearms of the edge, your body still under the umbrella. You eyes were fixed on the water running down under the bridge.

"You said I shouldn't be scared."

You turned to look at me, your eyes shining bright in the moonlight, you voice faint in the white noise.  
You laughed quietly.

"You're telling me not to be afraid, when you're fucking petrified."

I froze at your words. I tightened my jaw, not knowing how to reply. You pulled away from me, raindrops falling on your shirt, your hair; your eyes softened.

"You're always so scared; always holding back- so I'm wondering if everything's alright and correct me if I'm wrong but- I know you need someone Levi. Anyone. You need someone to be there for you.. I would do anything to be that person.. I know you're afraid and I know you don't trust me.. but whatever's happened.. just let me help."

My heart dropped down to my knees and my chest tightened. I didn't know what terrified me more- how you could see right through me or the fact that I wanted you to see right through me. I shook my head in disbelief. You had no idea what you were talking about. If you knew how I was and what I've done, you'd hate me; you'd be disgusted by me.

"You can't."

My eyes turned towards the ground; facing you was difficult. I felt like my body was close to giving up. I wished I could get high on something to calm myself down. My fingers started shaking uncontrollably.

"You can't help me."

I bit my lip and sighed.  
You frowned and faced away from me; angrily pushing at the edge of the bridge.

"You keep saying that.. you keep telling me that.. I don't know why- I don't know why you keep saying this! Explain- explain Levi.. please!"

I could feel your frustration. I could sense it in your stance; I could see it your face; in your tightened jaw; your pressing fingers against the wood of the edge, your carelessness as the cold water droplets started dripping down your entire upper body.  
You deserved an explanation; I knew that. But I was too afraid to show you; too frightened to lose you; but too guilty to make you stay- I was more confused than I had ever been in my whole life.  
Who am I kidding? I'm pathetic.

"Explain? Can't you see? Don't you see it when you look at me?"

I said humorously, my shoulders lowered in humbleness, my head bowed down in insecurity.  
You shook your head in frustration, you were fuming now; you turned around and leaned on the edge with your back, your hands at the back of your head. I expected you to tell me to fuck off now. I expected you to tell me you've had enough and that this is ridiculous.

"You know what I see when I look at you?"

Your voice was quiet. Not threatening. Peaceful. Not hostile.  
The answer was no. I was scared. I don't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear you tell me something that I didn't want to know. Whether good or bad; it would hurt me either way.  
I didn't reply; frozen in the humid air.

"I see an emotionless expression on your face. I hear a monotonous tone in your voice. An unbothered attitude and a careless vibe."

You continued, your eyes looking up; rain droplets falling on your cheeks. I mentally laughed. Of course you saw that. What else would you see in me? It is what I was after all; couldn't expect anything more.  
I wanted to laugh. Wanted to cry at the same time.  
Suddenly, you turned your gaze towards me. Your facial expression softened, you breathed in gently.

"But under all that crap you know what I see?"

You shivered; my heart skipped a beat at the tone of your voice. You breathed heavily.

"I see fucking pain. Fucking sorrow. I see so much hurt- so much fear."

I saw the tears building up slowly in your eyes. I felt my body start to shake; I felt the panic slowly making its way through me. Your eyes never leaving mine.

"And you know what else?"

You continued; determined to open me up; determined to dig up my insides and discover how rotten; used up; and filthy I really am.

"I see so much power in you Levi.. I see so much fire inside of you.. you don't even know.. God you don't even know what you're capable of.. when we're in class- man, your lectures are so inspiring- the way you perceive things; you just-you have no idea.."

I held on to the edge, in an attempt to steady my body; to stop myself from coming undone and falling apart. You smiled gently at me.

"And..."

You hesitated for a moment; I saw you swallow nervously; gathering up as much courage as you could master. I didn't speak- but I waited in anticipation. I wanted to hear you say it. I wanted to know how you feel; but at the same time it brought pain to my heart, thinking that you would be cursed enough to fall for someone like me.

"You're so beautiful Levi.. and I know you've probably heard this a million times.. but I'm not saying it the way others do.. I'm not saying it to get in your pants.. to please you.. impress you.. I don't care about that. I just see so much beauty in you. I just- thought you need to know."

It was loud; but I could hear the sincerity in your voice. It was dark; but I could see your hands tremble; I could see your eyes glimmer as tears began to roll down your face again. It was cold; but I could sense the warmth in your heart. I was scared; but for some reason I felt so safe. I wanted to tell you. But I stopped myself. I wasn't any of those things, I wasn't beautiful; I wasn't strong- there was nothing special about me; you were wrong- blinded- brainwashed. I bit my lip and frowned; I felt like crying and screaming out how I feel about you. But I couldn't do that to you.

"You'll catch a cold. You should get under the umbrella."

I said calmly.

_Fucking coward._

  
Ashamed. Unable to face you; my eyes glued to the ground. I could feel you freeze. I looked up to see your reaction and my eyes widened in shock. Your lips pulled up to a beautiful smile; your eyes closed.

"Let me catch one then. This feels so good, right now."

You said as you hung your head back, embracing every cold drop that landed on your hot skin. The water glimmering, rolling down your neck, to your collarbones, your hair stuck to your forehead, the smile across your face; ever so bright. Your chest going up and down as you breathed in deeply, your wet shirt glued to your skin, perfectly outlining your stunning figure under the cloudy sky; the silver light of the moon. You felt good.

_Right now, you are so beautiful._  
_Right now, you are all I need._  
_Right now, I want to let go._

The umbrella falls down my loosened hold and on to the wooden ground as I gaze upon the beautiful sight before me.

_Right now, I want to listen to your voice._

I feel the cold droplets of the rain making their way down my scalp.

 _Right now, I want to touch you_.

I feel the water travel down my jaw, onto my neck, into my shirt. It felt cool; refreshing.

_Right now, I want to kiss you._

My eyes stuck on your flawless frame; as I made my way towards you. Arms wrap around you instantly; pulling you close to me; our chests touching; our foreheads connecting. You didn't open your eyes, you smile; your eyebrows furrow together as more tears begin to escape your face.

 _Eren_.

My shaking palm cups your cold, wet cheek and pulls you closer. My eyes shut closed, as I press my lips softly against yours.

_I need you._

My heart beats fast and my trembling fingers hold you tight in the passionate kiss; your arms wrapping around my neck; keeping me warm. Safe.

_Yes, Eren. I have been in love; and it felt far too similar to how I'm feeling,_

_right now._


	9. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What?"
> 
> You asked; giving me a chance to take it back. A chance to realise my mistake and say I didn't mean it; a chance to stop things before we can no longer go back. But I didn't take it; I didn't take it because my knees felt weak; my body ached; my limbs trembled in need; my head spun with desire; I needed you.
> 
> "I want to get inside you. So desperately."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, first of all thank you so much for your comments and support this means so much! I hope you guys will continue to read and enjoy my work! I think we all deserve a little treat so here is some lovely smut for you guys!  
> This chapter is basically porn with slight plot and angst. Just a warning: Very explicit sexual content ahead and also slight use of daddy kink. If any of you guys don't like the daddy kink I'm really sorry（>﹏<）it won't be used very often I promise. With that said, this chapter is on Levi POV,  
> ENJOY! ƪ(♥ﻬ♥)ʃ

It's been weeks.  
Almost the end of November.  
It's been almost three months since I met you; and it's been so long since I've felt this happy. Seeing you in my class every Monday brightens my entire week; spending the weekends with you was the highlight of my life.  
I'm falling hard.  
Falling for you so deeply; so entirely; it's completely out of my control. Being with you made everything perfect; being with you made all the pain go away. I didn't feel the need for a high when I was with you; the amount of times I'd get wasted had decreased with the only exception being when I would be away from you. I'd force you to go out with your friends; I didn't want you to spend all the free time you had with me; even though I wished you did. You would treat me so good; so exceptionally and deceivingly good; you would kiss me and hold me tight; you would cook for me and bring me gifts; you would smile at me no matter how many times I disappointed you- no matter how many times my reactions weren't the ones you wished for; my replies weren't the ones you'd hoped to hear. There have been times where I was tempted to tell you to stay by my side; stay with me until I leave my last breath; stay with me until I learn to view myself the way you see me. Stay with me until it doesn't feel wrong for me to touch you; until your skin feels like part of my body; until your scent unites with mine; until it doesn't feel unfair for you to love me.  
I knew that would never come to be the reality that I so terribly wished for to be true.  
I tried many times to stop it. I tried many times to tell you every time that this would be the last time; but my heart broke just at the thought; I'd go mute as soon as I would open my mouth to say the words- I just needed you too much.

 _"You mean a lot to me_."

Your voice through the phone; sending shivers throughout my entire body.  
It was late. Incredibly late. It was Thursday night; early hours of Friday morning-I hadn't felt you in a few days. God, how I missed you. God, how I wanted you.

"Don't say that."

I can't let this get any further than it already has. I close my eyes and bite my lip; trying to stop my member from hardening in my pants. Fuck, just the sound of your voice was enough to send me through the roof.

You laughed. Your beautiful laugh on the other line warming my heart.

 _"Why do you always do this_?"

I could hear your smile over the phone. I smirked and shook my head. You were so use to me turning your love confessions down- it was just funny to you that I was still going along with that lie. It was funny to me too.

"I don't want you to get any false expectations."

I tried to compose myself, my voice stern and forward. I sat down on my bed; my hand going over the cold sheets on the left side, where you would sleep every time you came over.

_"I don't have any expectations. I'm just in love with you. Why won't you accept it?"_

Your humorous tone died down. I felt my muscles tighten at that phrase. That fucking phrase you'd say to me almost every day. You were in love with me. I hated that. I hated that I did this to you. I hated that you were trapped falling for a useless piece of shit like me. You deserved better. Way better.  
I frowned, trying to stop the strain in my voice.

"I never wanted you to be in love with me. I never wanted you to feel this type of pain."

My voice cracked at the end of the sentence, my throat feeling dry, my fingers shaking as I grip the clean sheets tightly.

" _I'm feeling pain because you keep pushing me away. Stop pushing me away- if you want me then you'll stop."_

I could sense the distress in your tone. You were probably tired of it all. Tired of my bullshit. It's been almost three months and I'm still on the same ground I was when we started. But I can't give you what you want. When will you understand that?

"It has nothing to do with whether I want you or not."

I stated, swallowing and sighing; trying to stop my voice from cracking again.

" _Really_?"

You ask in disbelief on the other line. It needed to end.

"I want you to be happy. Away from me."

I said. I felt it. The _crack_. The pain in my chest. The quick pumping of my veins; the coldness of the room, my trembling fingers holding a tight grip on the sheets; the pain shooting through me as I spoke the words.

 _Silence_.  
The only confirmation that you're still there being your heavy breathing on the other line.  
I hurt you again, I knew that. But it had to end. I bit my lip and shut my eyes tight; bracing myself for the impact. Preparing myself for your goodbye. Getting ready to accept that I will live the rest of my life in melancholy; but at least I'll know you'll be okay.

 _"I'm happy when I'm with you. I want to be with you. I want to see you all the time_..."

I blinked in shock. Your voice lower than before; the heat in your tone driving me wild; my heartbeat quickened. I wanted you. No. I _needed_ you. Needed you so desperately. Wanted to feel you so badly. But I couldn't tell you.

"Eren-"

 _"I want to kiss you_."

You cut me off. I shut my eyes, and leaned my head back, my breathing heavy; my pants excruciatingly tight. Fuck; you were driving me crazy.

 _"Hold you_..."

You spoke in between deep breaths. I said nothing; my shaky fingers unbuttoning my trousers without my permission; anything; anything to feel even slightly relieved from your this lustful attack. But I wanted more.

_"Touch you..."_

More.

" _Feel you..."_

 _More_.

" _Fuck you..."_

Oh, God. I rubbed my hand against my erection and moaned gently; goosebumps on my skin; my blood pumping like crazy. Oh fuck; I needed you so bad. No matter how much I needed it, I would always decline; saving you for someone more worthy; someone who can make you happy. Someone who isn't me.

"Stop it... you're going to make me lose control."

I spoke between heavy breaths falling from my lips; I could hear you groan and moan on the other line; I knew you were touching yourself, and the thought was driving me absolutely berserk.

_"I want you to lose control... I want you to...so fucking lose it."_

You spoke between pants and quiet moans.  
You knew exactly what to say to me. How to touch me; how to handle me. You were the definition of sinful pleasure to me. I took my cock out and gave it a rub, grabbing at the base tight, hissing gently.

"Don't make me- don't make me do this, Eren."

My voice weak; my wrist trembling from restraint; my muscles tensing; my heart beating fast. I was starting to feel dizzy. With desire. With need. With lust. I started picturing your naked body; your slim waist; your gorgeous hip bones; the way your v-line lead to your pink cock; your muscular long legs that I loved- your delicious thighs I always love to bite into. Your plump ass, beautifully round, the way you would turn around and arch it up just for me, your tight pink hole, which I had never touched, the thought of how deliciously good it would feel around my cock;

Fuck.

_"I want you to fuck me..."_

Your words going straight to my lower regions; my hand going up and down with a mind of its own, I moan loud and hiss out, cursing how slutty you could get with me; cursing how your every word had such a tremendous effect on me; cursing how nobody had ever had control over me the way you did, cursing every part of my trembling body; and how it belonged entirely to you.

"Fuck"

I cussed; lying back in a quick movement, pushing my pants down, releasing them from my legs; kicking them on the floor by the bed. I was jacking myself vigorously now; tightening my jaw to stop myself from cumming at the thought of fucking you.

" _Ah- I'm- touching myself for you right now. Please-"_

You spoke between moans and pants, your voice dripping with lust and need. Fuck, you needed me to fill you up almost as badly as I did.

"You make me crazy, baby"

I said between groans, my hand going up and down, my eyes shut; the image of you under me; me thrusting into you- your legs wrapped around my waist; your nails scratching at my back, my hands holding onto your hip and your neck- fucking you hard- mercilessly- violently. Your beautiful green eyes; directed straight at me; tears going down the sides as you moan out for me.

" _Daddy_ "

My cock twitched at the word. Fuck, the way you would say exactly what I wanted to hear; the way you would make me crazy- wild- a fucking beast. You hadn't called me that before; but I couldn't deny the shiver that I felt from the bottom of my spine. I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood.

"Say that again."

I said huskily in anticipation, I wanted to hear you say it again; give me complete and utter authority over you; over your body; over your very being. Make me feel like you're mine and only mine; to do with as I please- to use as I please- bend as I please- fuck as I please. Mine. Fucking. Mine.

 _"Daddy- please_."

Your voice weak- but full of desire. I could hear you biting your lips- playing with your self- imagined you fucking yourself with your fingers.

"Please, what?"

I said; my eyes half closed; my head spinning in desire; dizzy; crazy for you, my cock ready to burst just for you.

_"Fuck me. Please-"_

You tried to speak; your own moan cutting you off. I swallowed and bit my lips hard again; tasting the blood on my tongue. Oh, how I wanted to; oh, how I wanted to fuck you; how I wanted to tear you apart; make you mine; fill you up to the brim until you're ruined for any other man; until nobody else would want to touch you cause you'd be utterly and completely mine.

"You fucking brat. You-"

I restrained my hand when I felt the need to cum- grabbing the base of my cock, pressing hard, nails digging into the skin. Fuck, I needed to see you. I had to see you no matter what. My logic thrown out the window, my mouth opening without my consent.

"Can you come over to me?"

Your moans come to halt; only your panting heard on the other line.

" _What_?"

You asked; giving me a chance to take it back. A chance to realise my mistake and say I didn't mean it; a chance to stop things before we can no longer go back. But I didn't take it; I didn't take it because my knees felt weak; my body ached; my limbs trembled in need; my head spun with desire; I needed you.

"I want to get inside you. So desperately."

I panted like a dog, holding tight at my base; still feeling my body close to climax. Suddenly my thoughts are paused; I hear the doorbell ring. Who the fuck was at my door at this time of night? I sat up in attention.

 _"Open the door_."

My eyes widened at your command; before I could process what's been said; my body moves on it's own. I'm walking fast across my bedroom and down the hall; my shirt open; my trousers unbuttoned, my cock out hard as a rock swinging from side to side as I walk. I needed you- I needed to feel you so bad- needed to touch you so bad. I swung the door open in one quick movement.  
And there you were. What a fucking sight. Your lips dark pink; your eyes watery; your cheeks red; the phone in your hand. Your eyes wonder up and down my frame; noticing what a mess I was for you; how you'd made me completely lose every ounce of control I had in me. You bite your lip and moan, as you move fast- quickly; throwing yourself at me, wrapping yourself around me- my hands around your waist; grabbing at your ass; my lips attacking yours viciously. I pull you in and close the door behind me.  
I press you against the wall; pushing you hard; picking you up; biting and licking at your lips. You wrap your arms around my neck; your legs around my waist; rubbing your hard crotch against my lower abs; moaning into the kiss. I don't know how you got here; don't know when or why; but this was exactly what I needed. You kissed me passionately; didn't waste any time before your hand was pumping my cock between your legs.

"Eren"

I spoke against your lips, my senses driving me wild. My hands at your thighs; spreading you open; pulling you apart. It felt good. It was wrong but it felt so fucking good to hold you like this. Your lips on mine; your cold fingers around my cock; I moaned and kissed at your neck hungrily.

"Nnng! Take me to bed"

You said against my ear; your voice dripping with hunger. I wasted no time before I backed away from the wall, with you in my arms clinging to me like a starving lynx. My pace was fast as walked down the hall, you were kissing my neck and pulling my shirt open. I threw you and myself on the bed; and didn't even waste a second before my lips were on yours; my hands touching your chest, I break the kiss to rip your shirt open as you gasp, my thumbs brushing your nipples gently as I go back in to claim your delicious lips. You moan into the kiss, your lower body thrusting upwards to meet my naked length, rubbing yourself on it; causing me to bite your lips hard, drawing blood. You pull my shirt down my shoulder with one hand and unbuckle your belt with the other.

"Take it off"

You said against my mouth before uniting our lips once again. I take my shirt off; my lips refusing to leave yours; I pull your jeans and boxers down, my forearm brushing your cock gently in the process, making you moan in the kiss. You kick your clothes off and start lowering my trousers; I obliged helping you, leaving us both naked, with you only wearing a ripped shirt. I break the kiss; I needed to taste your body. I kiss down your neck, to your collarbone; hungry, quick kisses going down to your nipples as I suck them hard, my hands travelling down to your abs, your waist, gently massaging your cock as your legs wrap around my hips.

"Oh God, I missed you"

I hear you say between moans; your hands going up and down my back, nails digging into my shoulder blades. I go lower, kissing my way down your abs, to your hip bones, jacking your hard cock off, cupping your thigh placing it over my shoulder.

"Oh-"

Your moan is cut off by a gasp as I take your member in my mouth; fast in one quick movement; I needed it, I couldn't wait; I couldn't wait at all, I had to have you, all of you. You threw your head back and moaned; thrusting your hips forward, your fingers locking with mine around your thigh. Hearing you moan for me drove me absolutely mad, everything that use to weigh me down felt completely gone in just a second. I sucked on you like my life depended on it; I wanted it so bad I could die; the taste driving me insane; the sensation of your hot skin against my lips making me go wild.

"I'm going to cum. Levi- please can I- can I-"

I heard you say, panting and twitching under me; your bright eyes watery, your forehead sweaty, freeing your cock from my mouth, I continue pumping you with my hand. You were use to not being aloud to cum so early; but this time was different; this time I felt like I was going to burst too, I wanted to make you cum over and over for me.

"Of course you can, baby"

I said huskily against the tip of your cock; before taking it all in again, sucking it vigorously in a deep, quick pace. I wanted to make you explode, I wanted to give you all the pleasure you deserved, even if it was wrong of me, even if it was selfish of me to claim you as mine; I wanted you to be mine, ever so fucking desperately.  
You twitched, your hips thrusting more vigorously, harder, your hand at the back of my head, tangled in my hair, pulling at the strands. You moaned loudly, panted in high pitch intakes of breath; you were so close.

"Oh, God. Oh, Levi!"

You screamed my name, as you shot warm liquid into my mouth. I moaned around your cock as you came, swallowing every delicious drop, letting you ride out your orgasm between my lips.

"I came- "

You spoke weakly in between sharp intakes of breath, your fingers still tangled in my hair.

"Levi, I came"

You spoke again, as I released your softening member from my mouth, kissing your inner thigh.

"Yes you did, angel"

I spoke huskily against your skin, biting at your thigh; you gasped and moaned.

"Were you touching yourself outside my door?"

I asked, my vision blurry from lust, my erection painful against the sheets. You nodded and bit your lip; your eyes half closed; needy; hungry.  
I sat up, my cock stood proudly between your legs.

"Fuck"

You cursed, your eyes widening and I smirked at you biting my lip seductively.

"I want you"

I spoke under my breath, my hand cupping my erection tightly. I close my eyes at the sensation.

"Shamelessly and in all positions"

I continue, opening my eyes, stroking myself in front of you, up and down gently. You watching me carefully, your mouth hanging open; your chest going up and down, your eyes illuminating pure need and desire. I watched as you fucked me with your eyes, your cock beginning to come to life again.

"Show me how you touch yourself"

I said between pants; watching your naked body, imaging how it would be like if I just thrusted into you right now, shivers going through my whole body, goosebumps on my skin. You bite your lip and reach down to grab a hold of your cock; beginning to stroke it up and down as your legs were spread out in front of me, giving me the most beautiful view. You moan as you jack yourself in front of me, your eyes watching me, watching my movements as I pumped myself in between your legs. Your eyes then moved up; meeting mine into a dangerous gaze. I couldn't look away from those beautiful orbs shining against the moonlight; illuminating every single part of me; every feeling I had inside of me; every desire, every need.

"Levi"

My name falls from your lips like honey as you pleasure yourself in front of me.  
I groaned and hissed. Fuck; this was incredibly hot. I felt like I could cum right there and then. One of my hands reached between your legs while the other kept pumping my cock. You flinched as I brushed your pink hole with my thumb and stopped your movement.

"Keep going."

I said, looking straight into your beautiful eyes, tightening my jaw to stop myself from forcing myself into you right there then; the sight being too much for me to handle. Your gorgeous physique spread out right in front of me; you touching yourself into a moaning mess; your eyes begging me to fuck you. Begging me to use you and bend you and take you over and over and over.

"Please, put it in"

You begged, your hand more vigorous as you pushed yourself onto my thumb. I pressed my lips together in an attempt to gather my emotions.

"Please, what?"

I asked before placing my thumb in my mouth, coating it with a generous amount of saliva. You paused for a moment before biting your lip, looking straight at me with challenging hooded eyes.

"Please, _daddy_."

Fucking hell. My heart was beating harder than ever; my desire exceeding every limit I've ever had. My sense of control thrown out the window just as well as my common sense. Your eyes weren't lying. You wanted this; you wanted this bad. I wasted no time before pressing my wet thumb against your hole, the tip going in slowly. You moaned, pushing yourself lower, causing my thumb to enter you half-way. I hissed, feeling how warm and tight you were.

 _Fuck_.

You pumped yourself more vigorously now, just as I did, your cock fully erect, you were a moaning mess, thrusting your lower body up and down, making my thumb go in and out of you; fucking yourself on my finger.

"Eren-"

I tried to speak but throat was dry; the sight before me too much for me to bare. You were so eager, so needy, so slutty, so fucking perfect for me. Too fucking good for me. You sat up, capturing my lips into a sloppy, wet kiss. I kissed back with all the power I had left in me; taking out my thumb to replace it with my middle finger. You moaned into the kiss; letting go of your cock to wrap your hands around my neck, pull me closer; deeper; deeper into your never ending lust and desire.  
I thrusted my finger in and out of you, you moaning into the kiss, panting against my lips. I pushed my index finger in your hole slowly, trying to fit the two. You broke the kiss; holding me close, our foreheads touching, our eyes lock. Your green orbs were cloudy and you had the most sexy, needy, greedy look on your face.

"Yes"

You said weakly; your hot breath burning my mouth, your deep gaze enough to make my eyes roll back in pleasure. I pushed it in all the way, earning a loud moan from you as you hung your head back.

"Yeah?"

I sad against your jawline, kissing at it, kissing your neck, letting go of my cock to hold your cheek, brushing my thumb over your lips as you moan. You tried to speak but couldn't as my fingers thrusted into you; you nodded taking my thumb in your mouth; sucking on it gently while our eyes united once again.  
God, this was- this was incredibly hot. The most erotic sight I had ever seen. You were so perfect; so sexy, the sexiest man I had ever encountered. My mind couldn't help but wonder; how would you be after I tamed you? How far would you go if I pushed you to your limit? If I forced you out of your shell- if I made you mine- completely. Just how erotic could this get? Would I be able to handle you?

"Ah!"

Your body jolted suddenly; as I finally brushed against that bundle of nerves I knew would drive you crazy. I thrusted in and out faster and deeper; hitting your prostate every time. Your nails dig into my skin; blood going down my shoulder blade and the back of my neck.

"Ah! Ah-gonna cum!"

You tried to speak between high pitched intakes of breath, as I mercilessly went in and out of you, imagining my fingers were nothing else but my cock, going deep, hard inside of you. I bit my lip hard; 

so hard I tasted the blood.

"Levi"

You said my name breathlessly, while I brushed your lower lip with my thumb, letting it bounce back gently. Those eyes; begging me; begging me to ruin you. I bit my lip, shaking my head in desire and disbelief. Disbelief at how perfect you were; how I didn't deserve you; didn't deserve to see you like this; didn't deserve to love you like this.

"What is it, baby?"

I asked huskily, my lips locking yours in a passionate, gentle kiss. You closed your eyes and kissed back eagerly; your arms around me, nails digging to the back of my neck and my shoulders. You broke the kiss to press your lips against my cheek, closing your eyes, moaning against my skin. And then it happened; white shooting out of you and on to both of our abs, loud pants and moaning filling the room, your body twitching in orgasm as you cum completely untouched, getting my heart on overdrive; getting my mind on overload; my blood boiling at the sight. You grind against my fingers as you ride out your high, your cock still standing proud as my fingers are inside of you. You look at me through, tears, hooded eyes.

"Another"

Is all you could say, but I knew what you wanted.

"Fuck"

I cursed.

I cursed at how weak I was- how useless- how I couldn't stop myself from pushing a third finger in, gently but steady, my arm around your waist keeping you in place. You moaned and panted for me, thrusting towards me begging me to go deeper. I recklessly pushed it in all the way, blinded by desire.

"Aaah!"

You hissed and shrieked in pain, tears going down your cheeks. I panicked; shit- I hurt you. I did something against your will, I caused you pain. How stupid, how useless could I be?

I started pulling out my fingers gently; only for you to grab at my wrist abruptly.

"Don't stop"  
You shook your head at me; your eyes determined, your expression serious, like a warning.

"I don't want to hurt you"

I said, kissing at your neck; trying to ease any pain you must've been feeling, trying to make it go away.

"It's going to hurt no matter what"

You said; my lips never leaving your skin, my eyes closed, my expression soft and a needy frown begins to form on my face,trying to stop myself;

control myself.

"But it's going to feel good after that"

You continued, pushing my hand towards you, thrusting your hips lower to take in all three of my fingers. We both moaned at the sensation; I bit my lip.

"Eren"

I started thrusting inside of you again, locking eyes with you, holding you tight. I watched as you cried and moaned both in pain and pleasure; your beautiful eyes staring right into my soul. God; what was I doing to you? I was robbing you of your innocence. I was ruining you, witnessing a side of you that you should only show to someone important, someone who could love you, make you happy, someone who deserved it. But I couldn't stop- for the life of me, I couldn't stop because it felt so good I could die; it felt so good that no matter how selfish it was my body moved on it's own.  
I pushed you down on your back; getting on top of you, kissing your neck, gently pulling my fingers out; both your hands on either side of my face. We both knew what was going to follow now. You grab my jawline gently, holding my face in line to yours, our eyes lock once again. You looked at me with need; with lust; desire,

...but with love.

"Levi"

I knew what you were going to say; I knew exactly what was going to come out of your mouth, so I pressed my lips against yours, quickly; quickly before you say it, before you say it and imprison both of us into a never ending cycle of pain. You broke the kiss, pulling my lower body closer to you, speaking against my lips.

"Make love to me."

_Make love to me._

My eyes widened slightly, my body froze. That's right. This wasn't sex. This wasn't like any other of those times; those times where I would bring strangers into my home; and fuck them while I was drunk and high. This was different, this felt different; I was sober, I needed this. Not to numb the pain, but because without it I was nothing. You were important. I cared for you. I cared for you so much. Too much. Too much to do this to you.

I froze. 

"Eren"

My voice dark, my eyes looking down to your lips, afraid to face you, killing myself. Killing myself because the only thing keeping me breathing right now would be to be united with you. You shook your head.

"No- don't you dare..."

You said against gritted teeth. You pulled my hips towards you again in an abrupt movement while speaking again.

"Don't you dare stop now!"

Your voice sounded desperate and I swear I felt tears in my eyes. I wanted you. I wanted you so bad. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't take your innocence from you, ruin you, hurt you, no matter how much I needed you, I couldn't change the fact that I'm a monster. I couldn't change the fact that if you knew who I was, what I'd done; you'd be disgusted by me. You wouldn't want me the same way, you would regret doing this with me.

"Levi!"

You yelled loudly at me, your voice cracking as you sobbed. I sat up, trying to compose myself. Stop the tears from falling down. I couldn't say any of those things. I was a coward.

"I can't."

Is all I managed to say, my hands rubbing my face in an attempt to avoid your gaze.

"No!"

You sat up, pulling my hands away, grabbing a hold of my jaw, kissing me, straddling me; my heart tears in a million pieces as I break the kiss.

"Stop it."

I said quietly; my lip trembling slightly as I almost cry. Your eyes drowned in tears. I fucked it all up again. I tried to make it right, but I hurt you all over again. I'm such a fucking idiot.

"Don't do this to me."

You said, sobs and tears, you cry out, your hands tangled in my hair, touching your forehead on mine. My chest cracked as I looked into your tear stained, reddened eyes. I had to stop this now. No matter how much it hurt. No matter how much pain I felt. You'd find more happiness with someone else.  
I opened my mouth to speak.

"Levi-"

You cut me off, knowing I was going to say something you didn't want to hear. I shook my head. This had to be done. I shouldn't have let it get this far. For your sake.

"I'll drive you home."

I said, lowering my gaze. Ashamed at how cowardly I was; restraining myself from doing what I wanted to do, what I _needed_ to do ever since I first laid eyes on you. Your eyes widened in disbelief. Your hands fall down on the mattress, you sit back away from me taking sharp intakes of breath. There is silence for a few seconds before you speak.

"Don't fucking bother."

You spat out; anger and pain imprinted all over your voice; and I felt my fingers tremble in panic as you got up, gathering your clothes to put them on quickly. I opened my mouth to speak but I knew no matter what I said I couldn't fix things any more. I froze in distress, my eyes wide; my body shaking. Had I lost you for good? Was it over?  
You said nothing as you put on your shoes and made your way out of the room; leaving me alone; cold; and regretful in the empty; dark space in the middle of the night.

I sat there, unable to move, falling down the void;

the empty, dark void that I could so easily escape out of; up until this moment.


	10. Forlorn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This is going to be a longer chapter because from now on I will probably start to update once a week as planned. Uni work is piling up and this b- needs to focus on that also ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> There's a few trigger warnings for this chapter: Panic Attack, Drug use, Suicide Attempt.  
> I apologize in advance for the angst, but I love my angst is the ugly truth (~˘▾˘)~  
> Things are going to get better though so bear with me!  
> Enjoy <3

It was raining that night.  
I remember I was looking outside my window at home, watching as the droplets would land on the glass. All my lights were off, the only light being the street lights and the moon. I watched as the rain droplets made their way down the glass, slowly deteriorating the more distance they covered, eventually disappearing completely. Some would make they way down faster than others; others would take a long time, remained rich in substance until they finally reached the end of the glass.  
I remember it was funny to me; how I felt like I was just a little water droplet; slowly deteriorating as it makes its way down that fucking glass; slowly and painfully; shedding a part of me with each step I take.  
It was cold. Cold, dark and rainy.  
The night I tried to kill myself.

* * *

It's cold.  
It's dark.  
I miss you.  
It was Friday morning and I hadn't been able to close my eyes not even for a moment. I had a class to teach this morning; but I called in sick. Not because I hadn't slept for a moment; but because I was so high I couldn't even remember the syllabus at this point; I couldn't even remember what time or which class I was assigned to. My body and mind were numb, but I could still remember that I wanted to call you; message you; ask if you got home okay; but I knew you probably wouldn't reply.  
I kept thinking how stupid I was; how I shouldn't have said the things I said; done the things I did. I knew you'd be better off without me; I knew you'd find someone else soon enough; you were so special. But I felt this hollow inside of me; without you, I felt like I was being sucked in by this dark, deep, void.  
I was missing you terribly, the thought of losing you wasn't as scary as the reality of it. My body started shaking uncontrollably after you left; I couldn't calm myself down. It had been a long time since I used heroin. An extremely long, long time.  
I didn't take it however; managing to stop myself for now; taking as many Xanax pills as I thought were necessary. Before I knew it; I was totally high and numb; totally lost and empty; completely unconfused and uncoordinated with reality; close to where the old me use to be. I laughed at how stupid I was. Laying down on my bed; staring at my white ceiling; my curtains closed, leaving the room in empty darkness.  
No matter how tired I felt I couldn't sleep; no matter how hungry my body was I couldn't eat; no matter how relaxed I couldn't breath; I missed you.  
I heard my phone ring and my eyes widened. I sat up in panic trying to compose myself; looking to find the source of the ringing; hoping I'd see your name displayed on the screen. I sighed in disappointment when I finally found the phone, sliding the screen to answer.

"Yeah."

Is all I could master up to say.

" _You home yet_?"

Farlans voice on the other line; completely clueless to what was going on.  
I laughed quietly.

_"It's 1 pm. Levi?"_

It's already 1 pm? I felt tears in my eyes as the room started turning. All I could think about was you. How I spoke to you; how I treated you.

"I'm home. I'm a mess."

I spoke quietly, smiling in defeat and rubbing my teary eyes.  
I heard him sigh on the other line.

_"What did you take?"_

He spoke under his breath; wrath and disappointment was evident in his voice. However, I was use to it by now.

"Xanax."

I said.  
He paused momentarily.

_"You fucking idiot."_

Farlan was serious, but all I could do was laugh. Laugh at my self; laugh at my weakness; how fucking stupid and cowardly I was.

_"I'm coming over there; don't take anything else. I'll bring juice and food."_

I frowned sadly; I never knew why Farlan kept trying to help me; why couldn't he just accept that I'm ruined and there is no salvation for me. I'm over.

"Don't-"

I was cut off by the beeping of the line as he hung up on me abruptly. I sighed throwing the phone on the bed by my side, closing my eyes to stop the tears from falling down.

* * *

"It's almost 2 a.m. We need to get going, hurry up, man."

Farlans voice was stern and cold in the evaporating heat, outside my shower door. I rubbed my body under the shower water, knowing that no matter how hard I scrubbed my filth can never be washed off.

"Yeah, almost done."

I said, washing away the soap from my scalp. I heard Farlan exit and continued washing off quickly. I was finally starting to come down my high, and missing you was becoming more and more painful.

_"Don't you dare stop now!"_

Your words echoing in my head.  
Over and over and over.

_"Make love to me."_

The image of your glimmering, green eyes; staring into me so fucking beautifully, the image of your naked body wrapped all around me; haunting me; tormenting me.  
My need to touch you, hold you; kiss your skin; breath in your smell... break you; fuck you. Fuck you until you're begging me to stop; fuck you until you're crying; cumming over and over untouched; fuck you until the only thing you'll remember is my name; till the only thing you can say is those two syllables.

 _"Levi_!"

The way you'd scream it breathlessly; the way you'd drive me absolutely insane; crazy for you; needy for you. The way you'd look at me; the way your eyes would beg; beg to be ruined for anyone else. I bite my lip and curse; the water going down my body, dripping down my painfully hard erection as I pump it with my hand.

 _Eren_.

My imagination driving me wild. God, your soft skin; the way it feels against my palms; your beautiful legs spread out for me; naked; sweaty; hungry; completely exposed just for me. Only me. The only one to ever see you like this. I close my eyes and support myself on the wall of the shower; my head hangs back and I start to breath heavily; my heart pounding faster; my hand moving more vigorously, as I imagined you on top of me. Riding me hard; fast; your lips red from my biting; your mouth hanging open; your nails digging into my skin; my cock thrusting inside of you; hard as you drop yourself on me; fucking me into the mattress; fucking yourself and moaning my name; screaming for me; yelling for me; crying for me; begging me; begging me to rip you apart.

_Fuck._  
_Fuck._  
_Fuck!_

"Mmh-"

I cum in my hand; vibrations all over my body, my knees tremble as I shoot out the white liquid and I moan your name quietly.

"Eren, Eren, Eren-"

I say between pants as I ride out my orgasm.

* * *

It's 2 a.m. Friday night. Saturday morning.  
Alcohol going down my throat; cigarette in my hand; I've sprayed myself in heavy cologne; I'm wearing a fake smile to please the customers. Nightingale is as full as ever; people trying to talk to me, dance with me, buy me drinks. I accept politely.  
"You okay?"  
Our bartender Isabell handed me another drink. I took a puff, nodding; and why the fuck not I'll take the drink too.  
"That's from the blonde beauty over there."

She pointed towards the opposite side of the bar, towards a young blonde man, smiling at me seductively. His blue eyes were very apparent even in the dark; his straight hair reaching the top of his shoulders, shining under the club lights; his pale skin and slim figure gently moving to the rhythm of the music; his eyes never leaving mine.  
_Tch._  
I smiled; lifting the drink towards him, winking at him before I take a sip; feeling the liquid burn its way down my throat. Isabell smirked as she turned towards the bar.

"Let's get them a round."

Farlan pointed towards the blonde man and his group of friends. All good looking men. They must've been here working for a modelling agency or something. I hesitated for a second; did I really want to do that? They would definitely take that as a sign to come over here, and I knew where that would lead me.

"Don't think too much, Levi."

Farlans voice quiet under the loud noise in the air. I nodded; it was too late anyway, I was already wasted beyond return. I turn to signal at Isabell to come over, noticing the blonde boys eyes still glued to me. She leaned towards me, I looked the blonde in the eyes as I spoke into her ear.

"Give them another round of whatever they're having."

She nodded, quickly preparing the drinks; my eyes never leaving his blue ones. I swallowed and looked away. Yes; he was good looking. Yes; I wouldn't mind taking him to bed. But something felt so wrong about it; something felt so off; like I couldn't see myself doing it; like I couldn't bring myself to make that first move.

_''Don't you dare stop now!''_

I look around at the sound of that velvet voice. Was I hallucinating? I blink rapidly, the tips of my fingers massaging at my temples gently. _Your_ face would pop into my head, _your_ eyes looking back at me; _your_ lips smiling back at me.

What's wrong with me?

I shook my head and rubbed my eyes; still slightly high from the Xanax I took earlier, the alcohol not helping at all; neither the sleepless hours I had spent.

"Looks like we have company."

Farlans voice making me sigh gently. I guess I saw this coming. I felt a strangers arm around my neck; sweet perfume; warm skin; blue eyes looking back at me with a cheeky tint. His blonde hair falling beautiful around his face; he was more attractive up close.

"Thank you for this."

He brought the drink I got him towards my own in my hand; clacking the glasses together, his eyes never leaving mine.  
I smiled; my eyes staring seductively as I bring the hard, brittle substance to my lips. His group of friends gathered around us; one of them already clinging to Farlan; claiming him for the night. I already had someone claiming me, but I wasn't content. Still I smiled at him; put my arms around his waist, asked him his name; flirted with him, grinded against him as we danced.

 _I should've stayed with you last night_.

The lyrics of the song playing echoing in my head as his body rolls against mine. My hands all over him; but I couldn't feel anything.

_I wanna stay the whole night, I wanna lay with you till the suns up._

"I like you a lot"

His voice in my ear; but I couldn't hear anything but the beating of my own heart. My own stupid, cowardly, broken and beat down heart beat.

_I wanna let you inside; heaven knows I've tried._

I smiled at him and watched as he danced in front of me seductively. His eyes glued to mine; I knew he was fucking me in his mind, touching himself hoping it would be my hands later on tonight; smirking at me and biting his lip; but it didn't turn me on.

_I wish that I could let you love me._

I didn't feel anything.  
There's nothing here.  
Nothing there for me.

_What's the matter, what's the matter with me?_

I'm looking into his eyes; but I can't feel a single thing; no matter how beautiful his face; no matter how sensually his body moves; no matter how perfect his figure is; how bright his smile is; even if he had a good heart; there's nothing there for me.

He isn't the one I want.

He isn't the one my body calls for; he isn't the one my heart aches for. I knew who I needed; I knew what I wanted; I knew what would make everything okay again. What's the matter with me? Why can't I let you in? Why can't I let you love me? Why am I here? Why am I dancing with someone else; touching someone else; when all I want is to dance with _you_ ; touch _you_ ; kiss _you_ ; love _you_.

_I wish that I could let you love me._

But I couldn't. Because I knew what would happen if I did. I knew you'd get hurt; disappointed; trapped. You'd be wasted on someone like me.

"Wanna get out of here?"

Our lips almost touching as he stared into my eyes; he speaks the words against my mouth, leaning into me; approaching slowly; our lips centimetres apart. Suddenly I feel panic rushing through me. A familiar feeling, something that would happen to me much more often that I'd like. However, it rarely ever happened to me in Nightingale of all places.

"I'm-"

I pushed him back instinctively; my head leaning backwards to put more space between us.

"Excuse me. I'm going to go out for a smoke."

I push him back gently and he nods; a confused and disappointed look on his face. I feel my veins pump in my body, my throat dry, my eyes looking around for an escape, my heart throbbing; my chest aching, I was panicking; I needed to get the fuck out of there now.  
I start walking through the crowd as fast as I could, people grabbing me, trying to talk to me, smiling at me; calling my name.

"Don't fucking touch me!"

I couldn't even recognize my own voice, my eyes going wide at the realization of my outburst. In a place where I've been hundreds of times; It felt so foreign. It felt so unsafe. I needed to get out. Away from all these people staring at me with shocked expressions, away from all these expectant eyes; as if waiting for me to do some kind of trick, as if I'm some spectacle that is here to entertain them.

 _Fuck that_.

I finally managed to get to the exit; hyperventilating; panting; shaking.  
I stand outside and breath in the cold fresh air; my hands on my knees, trying to compose myself. I stand up, my eyes close, my hands behind my head, I start to pant; breathing in and out with difficulty. Fucking panic attack.

_Why haven't you called, yet?_

I feel tears in my eyes as I open them to look up.

_Why haven't you said anything, yet?_

I close my eyes again; imagining you here. Holding my hand in the cold air. Looking at me through nostalgic eyes. Asking me to take you home with me. Everything is okay.

_Where are you? Why aren't you here tonight? Why are you giving up on me?_

_Eren_.

"Levi, what's wrong?"

Everything is okay.

Farlans voice makes me jump. I turn towards him; my eyes can't cover my lies; my hyperventilating showing how upset; scared; unsure I was. I wondered what I looked like right now. My eyes were watery and red, my body was shaking; I was panting uncontrollably. How is it possible? How is it possible foe me to get a panic attack after all those Xanax pills? 

"You're a fucking mess!"

Farlan held me by the shoulders; helping me to keep my balance. His eyes glued into mine; he observed me carefully and smiled gently.

"Say it."

_Everything is okay._

He spoke softly in the winter air. His voice like a whisper.

I swallowed nervously.

"Say what?"

I said between pants, my hands resting on my knees again.

"You love him, don't you?"

My eyes widened as they were glued to the ground. I sat back up abruptly; freeing myself from his hold.

_No. Everything is okay._

"Say it."

He repeated the words; his gaze turning into a soft glare. I shook my head, frowning; my hands turn into tight fists. I'm trembling.

"Say it out loud!"

Farlans voice is loud; stern and determined. His glare becomes more intense; his heavy breathing apparent. I shook my head again; trying to stop the tears from escaping my eyes. No. It's not true. I'm fine. Everything is fine.

"I can't."

I said, a tear going down my cheek; I wipe it with my trembling fingers.  
It's not true. Everything is okay.

"Just because you aren't saying it out loud; it doesn't mean it's not real."

Farlans words go straight to my chest like an arrow. It's not true. It's not real. It's not real unless I let it become so. It's not real.

"Call him, Levi."

Farlans voice was quiet again, as he handed me the car keys.

"I'll take a cab. Go home, Levi."

I stood there shocked, with widened eyes, watching him walk into the club again. His words echoing in my mind.  
Is it real?  
I can't be. Am I so deeply in love with you that I can't get over the feeling? I can't escape from it, I can't control it. Tears going down my face at the realisation, my body frozen, I'm trembling in the cold air.  
I can't touch anyone else.  
I only want to touch you.  
I can't kiss anyone else.  
I only want to kiss you.  
I can't fuck anyone else.  
I only want you.  
I thought I couldn't love anyone else.  
But now, I love you.

* * *

The moment I entered through the door; the first thing I did was call you. It was almost 4 a.m. and I knew you were probably out or sleeping; but I needed to hear you. Needed to tell you that I can't sleep without you, can't live without you, can't breath without you.  
I pressed the call button as soon as I found your name in my contacts. Waited as the phone beeped; each beep digging deeper and deeper in my chest.  
I waited.  
No answer.  
I huffed in frustration, pressing the call button again, panic running through me like electricity. Why weren't you answering?  
The same thing again. No answer.  
My eyes widen, as I stare at the screen. I fucked up. I totally fucked up this time.

"Fuck!"

I cursed, rubbing my hands down the back of my head nervously. I started fighting, completely alert, my knees start shaking in panic.  
Why aren't you answering?  
I pressed the call button again, and again. And again.  
I kept calling for what seemed like an eternity; unable to focus; unable to think of anything else; the realization that I've lost you hitting me like a ton of bricks; piercing through me like a knife; running me over like a train. I started sweating; cold chills throughout my body; pain shooting deep in my bones.  
Its happening. 

"Oh, fuck."

I try to stand up, to throw cold water on my face; my knees give out on me as I collapse on the floor. My body shaking; my fingers trembling as I try to reach the phone.  
_I need it._  
I search through my contacts, to find someone I hadn't called in a very long time.  
_My body needs it._  
I can't see clearly; my system starts giving out on me.  
I need it to calm down.

I press the call button, not even two rings before I end the call abruptly. No, I'm doing this; I should control myself. I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't waste all the progress I've made up until now. This is what I wanted isn't it? For you to be free of me, for you to be happy away from me and my problems; away from me and this fucking mess.

I cursed as I felt my body jolt in piercing sharp pain. It had been so long since I felt this desperate. The Xanax was still in my system; the alcohol mixing with it, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

I try to call you again; but received no reply. I start typing a text; hoping that I could convince you to give me a second chance. Anything- anything to get you to give me an answer.

**_You won't talk to me?_ **

I pressed the send button quickly, seeing it got delivered. You must've seen my calls for sure. I bit my lip in frustration. I called again. No answer.

**_Look I know I fucked up... but I've thought about things a little bit and I think we should talk._ **

I pressed the send button again, unable to process what I was saying. The message got delivered once again. I waited for what felt like an eternity.

Call again. No answer.

**_Eren... I'm sorry okay? Don't ignore me._ **

I felt tears build up in my eyes. I waited for your reply, but nothing came. The pain was unbearable.

I press the call button.

_"I haven't heard from you in a while."_

The deep voice on the other line already giving me an ounce of satisfaction.

"No time to talk. How much?"

I wasn't able to have any form of conversation right now.  
I heard him laugh on the other line.

_"I don't want money. You know what I want. It's been so long since I've seen that pretty face. You disappeared, where have you gone off to?"_

I felt my body shiver in disgust; my stomach started turning; I frowned in fury.

"Fuck you, you piece of shit. I don't do that anymore, Zeke."

I spat out; squinting as my body jolted in pain.

_"I've got a lot of people asking for you, you know."_

I shook my head, my breathing heavy, I started panting; sweat going down my forehead, I could feel the fever heating me up, my body shaking in cold chills.

"No-I- I don't do that anymore. I'll fucking pay, asshole."

I spat out between heavy breaths.  
I heard him laugh on the other line.

_"I'm glad you're still the same vicious lynx that I remember. I really have missed you."_

I almost vomited at his words; I felt bile going up my esophagus at the memory of him using that pet name for me. I turned the phone away from my face as I gagged, before bringing it back to my ear.

_"Where are you?"_

I hesitated at that. I knew it would be a very stupid idea to tell this man where I am located. But then again, I knew if I was going to do this, the different substances in my body would eventually kill me. I wouldn't have to deal with him ever again; and even if somehow I survived, I doubt that he would be able to hurt me. I didn't need him anymore. 

''Birmingham.''

I breathed out weakly.

_''Hm, you didn't stray too far, did you?''_

I huffed in annoyance.

''Will you get me some or not?!''

I yelled desperately. I heard him laugh on the other line. 

_''Yeah, I've got people there. How much do you need?''_

He finally asked.

"As much as you can get in the next half hour. Brown. I need it now."

I felt my shirt slowly soak in sweat; my panting turning into hyperventilating.

_"You want it delivered, then? You sound like you're in really bad shape."_

I nodded, closing my eyes shut. I hated to go back on that road. But the pain was too great; the memories too vivid.

"Yes. 520 Bristol Road, hurry."

I managed to say sitting up against the bed.

_"Sending someone over now."_

Was all I heard before I hung up on the line. My hands reaching on the floor trying to stabilize myself.

"Nhhg- shit!"

I felt tears build up in my eyes. I waited for your reply, but nothing came. It wasn't long before my order was delivered. I managed to force myself to the door and back. It's been such a long time since I've done this. I poured some of the brown powder on a spoon. Holding a lighter on under it; watching as the substance started boiling itself to a liquid in front of me. I took the syringe I had prepared by my side. I didn't even flinch as pushed it out sucking the liquid from the spoon into it. I watched closely, pressing the base, watching as the liquid sprinkled slightly from the tip of the needle. I bit my lip and felt tears in my eyes. I looked at my phone to see no reply. I shut my eyes and breathed out as I felt tears go down my face. I took my shirt off, soaked in sweat; I spread my arm on the mattress of the bed; placing the needle on my vein, millimetres away from piercing it before I pause.  
Yes, this is irresponsible and stupid. This is a fatal mistake. All the progress I've made would go down the drain. Everything I've accomplished would be swept away in an instant. But I didn't care. I wasn't happy before I met you; was very close to ending it then; I'm not happy now either. But it's harder now; much harder since I've had a small taste of happiness with you; since I've felt a what it's like to be loved by you. Living without it; that would be unbearable. There was nothing left for me.  
I push the needle in; hissing in pain as I shoot the heroin in my system; all in one go. Instantly feeling relieved; instantly feeling the pain in my body numbing away. I close my eyes in total bliss; God how I had missed this feeling.I sit back against the bed; take my phone my hand.   
Tears going down my eyes as I type.

**_Eren honestly I wish I could go back and go after you...I wish I could go back and just get inside you like you kept asking me to... you don't know how bad I wanted it too...and I'm sorry it's just every time you look at me like that I feel like I can't stop myself from falling in love with you..._ **

I waited. Watched as the pouring rain fell down my window. Watched as my whole life began to flash before me. All the terrible things I've done; all the pain I've caused; all the horror I witnessed. It was hopeless. This life was hopeless. I felt myself numb away; I felt myself lose control of my body. I wanted it to end now. I wanted to go now.  
Pushing another shot in my veins; knowing it would probably kill me from overdose; I sighed in relief. Time probably went by much faster than I thought as I laughed at the droplets going down my window; knowing that I'll be in the same position soon; feeling myself deteriorate as I cried; cried loud but not loud enough to show how broken I was. My strength slowly dying down- all I could do was sob; my breathing evening down- slowing- until all I could do was breath quietly- unable to move- unable to keep my eyes open. I was awake in the cold darkness.

You didn't reply.

I threw my phone against the floor with all the power I had left. Tears kept rolling down my face but I couldn't find the strength to sob anymore; I couldn't find the strength to scream anymore. I was lost and broken, just as I have always been.

* * *

EREN POV:

"Eren, common cheer up!"

Armin spoke in my ear and tapped my shoulder gently. The music was so loud I could barely hear his voice. I smiled weakly and nodded at him. My body was barely standing, didn't know how I was still awake, I hadn't gotten a second of sleep since yesterday; you not coming to university this morning made me even more anxious. I felt broken, hurt, abandoned but most of all I was scared things would never go back to the way they did. I wanted to go back; to back to last night; and stay. Stay instead of waking out. I should've been more patient. I should've been more understanding. I felt tears build up in my eyes. I missed you. I missed your touch. Missed your kiss. I missed your scent; and your soft reassuring voice.

"Hey!"

Jeans voice was nothing like that, however.  
I snapped out of my thoughts; meeting his annoyed glare.

"What's up? Have a drink; loosen up."

He handed me a drink. I took it in my hand and drank. I didn't even want to come to this club tonight. I didn't even want to come out tonight. I didn't even want to be here; surrounded by all these people I don't know; people who aren't like me; people who wouldn't understand me. I wondered what time it was. Maybe it's late now, so I could just say I'm tired and go home. I reached in my pocket for my phone. My heart sunk down to my knees, when the screen lit up before my eyes.

_Levi: 3 missed calls_

_Levi_ : _You won't talk to me?_

_Levi: 2 missed calls_

_Levi: Look I know I fucked up... but I've thought about things a little bit and I think we should talk._

_Levi: 4 missed calls_

_Levi: Eren... I'm sorry okay? Don't ignore me._

_Levi: 7 missed calls_

_Levi: Eren honestly I wish I could go back and go after you...I wish I could go back and just get inside you like you kept asking me to... you don't know how bad I wanted it too...and I'm sorry it's just every time you look at me like that I feel like I can't stop myself from falling in love with you..._

My eyes widened as I read the messages and before I finished reading them I instinctively pressed the call button; desperate to hear your voice; desperate to tell you how sorry I am. How I need to see you; I'm coming over.  
I stayed on the line for a while and you wouldn't answer.  
My heart beat fast; my chest going up down in panic. Shaky fingers typing out as fast as they could.

**_Levi I just saw these are you okay? I'm sorry I didn't mean to miss these! Yes of course we can talk, I know I must've made you feel pressured with what I said. I'm falling in love with you too... I don't want to be without you. Losing you would fucking hurt. Can I come over? Why didn't you come to uni today?_ **

I waited. Watched the club lights switching colors nervously, watched bodies move to the beat, faces smiling and laughing, but I couldn't see; couldn't hear anything but my thoughts; my worries; my fears. You weren't answering. I called you again several times. Cold chills going down my spine. Was I too late? Do you hate me now?

**_Levi please answer, can I come over?_ **

I typed the words, biting my lip; feeling shivers all over my skin as I shook nervously.

"Are you alright?"

Mikasa and Armin placed their hands on my shoulder, but I brushed them off anxiously; staring into the screen of my phone. Getting no replies from you. I started getting a terrible gut feeling. My stomach started turning and I felt I would vomit any time soon. Something was wrong. I could sense it. Something wasn't okay about this; something made my knees feel heavy. I started breathing fast and ragged.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Armin shaking me; trying to comfort me by placing his hand on my back. My eyes never leaving the screen as I continue typing.

**_Levi? Are you there?_ **

Something was wrong. I could feel it. I pressed the call button again; no answer. I faced the screen again; tears falling down on it as I typed.

**_You're scaring me._ **

The messages were getting delivered; and I knew you were either at home or at Nightingale. I checked the time that you called me and messaged me. Over an hour ago. You must've been home. I press the call button again; pushing Armin to the side to give myself more space. My whole group of friends gathering around me; trying to ask me what's wrong; but all I hear is white noise and beeping. No answer. I type once again.

**_You're freaking me out at least answer the phone!_ **

But no, you wouldn't do this. You would never worry me like this. You wouldn't do it on purpose. I know you always kept your phone with sound on cause you would get emergency calls from the club sometimes. I knew if you were there; if you were okay; you would have answered me. I shake my head in panic. That's it.

**_I'm coming over there._ **

That was the last thing I sent you before I stormed out of the club, forgetting my coat; not saying a word to my friends as I hear them call my name. I ran. I ran fast; felt the cold of the night and the heavy rain droplets land on my cheeks; hitting my skin hard like stones; causing my cheeks to burn. But I couldn't feel it. I ran as fast as I could; signaled a cab to get in; looking anxiously out the window, counting the minutes that would pass; calling you repeatedly on the way. No answer.  
Everything was flashing before my eyes, all the thoughts of what could've been going on; many different scenarios crossing my mind. I ran to your door; ringing the doorbell and knocking hard.

"Levi!"

No matter how many times I screamed out your name I received no reply. My chest felt tied up into a knot; my shaky fingers running through my hair as panic shot through me. I took a few steps back into the empty road and looked up into your window; the lights were off but my eyes shot open and I gasped when I saw your dark frame; pushed against the glass; your skin pale; your eyes shut closed, your head resting back in a terrifying way. You weren't moving.

"Levi!"

I screamed at the top of my lungs. I started hyperventilating, I ran back to the door; trying to open it desperately; it was locked. I started kicking and pushing with all the force I had in me. I tried again and again before I stopped and searched into my pocket with shaky fingers.  
I had to call the police.  
My knees trembled as I pulled the phone out of my pocket; the rain not helping and I gasp in shock as the device slips from my fingers with a lot of force and on to the ground, rolling a few meters away from me and on to the road. I ran to make my way towards it; but was only met with cold chills as a car passed full speed in front of me, running it over; shattering the screen; breaking it into pieces.

"Fuck!!!"

I screamed as I ran to the road; kneeling and scooping the pieces up, soaking wet and shivering from the cold; I sat up; terrified in panic and ran with all the speed I had in me towards your door. My shoulder hit hard and I heard the wood crack lightly; as well as the crack of my bone. I hissed in pain, hesitating before I looked up at your frame against the window again. I sobbed and cried out of fear, out of panic; terrified that you weren't alive. Weren't breathing; terrified that I'd never see your smile again, touch your skin, kiss your lips, smell you, tell you that I love you. I never got to tell you. Never got to tell you how much I love you. I looked around for help but saw nobody around me.

"I'm going to tell you!"

I cried out loudly.

"I swear if you're still there I'm going to tell you !"  
I cried out again. Kicking at the door, again. Again. And again. It cracked more and more every time and I knew I was close.

"I'm going to tell you."

I whispered to myself as I took a few steps back preparing myself to break down that fucking door. I ran.  
I ran as fast as I could, bracing myself for the impact; my shoulder and side hitting the wood extremely hard, hearing a loud crack noise coming from shoulder, the lock breaking apart, the door swinging open with force. I fell down inside the apartment. The pain shooting through me, I realize I have dislocated my shoulder; but I had no time to waste as I stood up in a matter of seconds, running up the stairs and down the hall to your bedroom, screaming your name as I made my way. I pushed your bedroom door open, I flip the light switch on and my eyes widen in shock at the sight. You were on the floor; leaning against the glass; your eyes were open, but you weren't moving. My heart froze and I fell on the ground; tears going down my face, I crawled towards you, but was afraid to get too close. Afraid that I'd touch your skin and it would be too cold, afraid that I'd speak to you and you wouldn't answer. I sobbed in shock at the sight of your pale frame. I cried and cried, unable to move; my eyes scanning the environment; needles; needles on the floor beside you, a lighter, a spoon, a bag of brown powder.  
My breath hitched and I gasped at the realization. What have you done? Did you overdose? My eyes widening, the whole room turning.  
_What do I do?_  
_What do I do?_  
I crawled closer to you, in sobs and high pitched intakes of breath, grabbing your face between my palms; you were burning up. You were alive.

"Oh God!"

I cried out in relief, holding your head tight against my chest, crying hard, ignoring all of our surroundings. I gently put you back and take your pulse grateful for all the times my father had given me medical advice in the case of an emergency. It was there, you were breathing, but it was incredibly elevated; throbbing on my finger. You were in danger. I stood up in a trembling mess, wiping my tears, I started searching the room for a device so I could call an ambulance. I made a mess; searching for your phone; I turned clothes and tables into a mess; the mattress of your bed flipped over; stumbling over the mess I made, falling over wincing in pain at my dislocated shoulder. I lift ,y head to see that the phone was there the whole time, right fucking in front of me. How fucking stupid am I? I click on the menu button but the screen wouldn't respond. It was out of battery. You have got to be fucking- kidding me. 

"Who's there?"

I heard your weak voice, low like a whisper. I tripped over everything and jumped crawling towards you, yelling out your name.

"Levi!"  
I grabbed a hold of your shoulders, held your face up with one hand. You blinked gently; unable to focus. You were so weak.

"Please tell me what to do. I don't know what to do."

Your eyes were dark as you looked into mine emotionlessly, you couldn't even move as I held your upper body up steadily. Sweat going down your forehead, your skin wrenched in it. Your lips curved into a slight smile.

"Bright eyes. So this is heaven, huh?"

You whispered and smiled, closing your eyes, your palm weakly reaching out for my face, my shaky fingers grabbing at your wrist and I place your palm on my cheek, leaning into it and closing my eyes, tears going down my face. I frown in sorrow as I kiss your palm; speaking into it quietly.

"Levi, this is real life, I'm right here- please, tell me what to do."

I sobbed and cried, your fingers reaching out gently to wipe my tears. You sat up, your body straining weakly in an attempt to lean closer to me. I pulled you in; our foreheads touching. God, you were burning.

"You're always crying for me- brat."

You said against my lips, your voice weak like a whisper; you tried to smile. I frowned and held you closer, hands on your cheeks as I spoke.

"I need you to focus. Levi, you- you overdosed."

I said, my voice cracking as I looked straight into your eyes, forcing you to face me. You frowned sadly and bit your lip, tears starting to gather in your eyes. You closed them as you breathed in and nodded.

"Tell me what we need to do. Where's your charger? We have to call an ambulance. My dad is a doctor at Trost Hospital, he will fix this."

I spoke in panic, my arms shaking as I held you close. You shook your head left to right weakly; and breathed in as you tried to speak.

"No. I have- I have-"

You tried to speak as your chest went up and down vigorously, your breathing fast and the veins on your neck pulsing at a fast rate. I nodded, trying to urge you to continue.

"Narcan- top drawer in the- fridge-"

You spoke in between intakes of breath; your fingers trembling uncontrollably. I nodded and gently placed you against the glass again. I shot up and ran as fast as I could down the hall, trying to support myself against the walls; my breathing uneven and my vision blurry as I ran down the stairs in panic; stumbling and falling on the floor. I winced as I forced myself up, wasting no time before reaching the kitchen to open the fridge. In a panicked hurry I searched through the top drawer, dropping everything that was there in the process. A pack of eggs, a jar of jam and a concealed syringe fell to the floor, making a mess. I kneeled down to grab the syringe, it was sealed in plastic, the words "Naloxone Hydrochloride" written on it with white letters. I picked it up and ran back as fast as I could, kneeling in front of you and opening it up. Your eyes were open and you watched as I pulled out the syringe. I looked at you in panic, the needle in my hand. You breathed in and out and tried to speak.

"You- have to shoot it in."

You raised your arm towards me the best you could, turning it towards the inside, presenting me with your veins. I gasped in horror when I saw the bruised area where your wounds were; probably were you had shot in whatever substance you used, your veins purple around it, evident on your pale skin. I shivered in horror and fear; how long has this been going on? Why were you doing this to yourself? Why haven't you told me?  
I nodded, clenching my jaw, bringing the needle close to your skin.

"Anywhere?"

I asked, my voice cracking slightly.

"Anywhere."

You spoke gently, shivering as the heat ran through you. I knew I had to hurry, your heart rate was elevating dangerously; and I could tell by the way your body had started to tremble and by the way your breathing became radically fast and uneven, that this could be fatal. You were so pale, it made my heart sink in fear. I found a spot on your wrist, brought the needle close and pushed it in, hissing at the act; no reaction from you. I pushed the liquid in you, biting my lip tight, focusing to make it right. I made sure to push the whole substance in and then threw the syringe on the floor; grabbing at your shoulders.

"Now what?"

I spoke in between pants, holding you close to me; afraid you'll fall apart. Your eyes were closed and your breathing too fast for you to be able to speak. I cried. I had no idea for how long I had been crying; but I had never been so terrified my whole life.

"Shower- cold shower-"

You spoke weakly against my shoulder. I nodded.  
"Okay."  
I said to myself as I stood up; trying to pull you up with me. You grabbed onto me as best you could; and I managed to pull you up, wincing at the pain of my shoulder. We walked in a slow pace, you clinging onto me weakly, trying your best to walk, to not fall apart. I tried to gently place you in the shower, but failed when I tripped and we both landed on the cold marble. You groaned gently and I held you close, wasting no time before I turned on the water, setting it to cold as it fell down on both of us. You shivered and winced immediately, and I held you tight against my chest. I breathed heavily and cried quietly. I was happy you were alive; I was happy things weren't as bad as I feared they would be. I nuzzled my face into the crook of your neck and I kissed your skin gently. You closed your eyes and leaned your head back onto my shoulder, your breathing already becoming more steady.

"I'm sorry."  
I said against your skin; my hands tight around your waist.

"I'm sorry I left."  
I said again; sobbing, crying hard. It was all because of me. I hurt you, I upset you; I left like an asshole instead of being patient with you.

"I'm so sorry Levi! I-I'm never leaving again- I'm never going to leave you alone again."

I held you tight against me, afraid to let you go.

"God, I-"

I buried my face at the crook your neck, the cold water falling down on us both, numbing my body as we both shivered.

"I can't lose you."

I whispered against your skin.

"I need you too much."

I held you tighter.

"I can't live without you."

I said again before placing gentle kisses across your neck. You shivered and leaned in to the kisses. You turned your head slowly and I kissed your forehead lovingly. You had a sad frown on your face, a gentle smile on your lips, your cheeks reddened, your nose runny. You were crying.

"Please, stay with me."

Your voice was weak, and I could barely hear it at the sound of the water hitting the marble, but it made my heart pounce in happiness. I felt my chest erupt in warmth as I sobbed.

"I'm not going anywhere."

I said against your cheek before kissing it gently.

"I need you."

I heard you say, as you began to sob in my arms.

"I need you- Eren."

You cried out in between sobs, your fingers holding tight into my forearms as I had my arms around you. You leaned in closer to me. 

''Don't give up on me.''

My chest cracked when I heard you cry out in pain; but I felt such relief to hear you finally say you need me, finally show some emotion; finally open up to me even if it's just for a moment. Even if you aren't sober. Even if you might not remember saying it tomorrow. Just a single moment for me to hold you; hold you so that you don't fall apart; just like you've done for me so many times.

"I'm never leaving your side. I'm never giving up on you."

I said weakly against your cheek, sitting up to hold you, face you; cup your cheeks with my hands. You looked at me through hooded eyes, I could tell you were starting to come back to reality. I cried as I pressed my lips against yours passionately, you clinging to me, terrified; desperate. I held you tight against me; held you for the life of me; held my arms tight around you; like it was the only way I knew nobody would harm you.

 _I love you_.

We broke the kiss and you cried against my chest. Your nails digging into my skin as you sobbed, pulling me close. I tried to remain composed as I held you up against me; feeling my chest break at every crack of your chest as you cried.

 _I love you so much_.

The tears going down my face wouldn't come to a halt, your trembling body wrapped up against me, clinging to me desperately; and I accepted it wholeheartedly. We sat there under the water, tangled together, holding tight to one another, sobbing against each other, no matter how broken we were, no matter how much pain we had to go through, no matter how many times I'd have to hold you like this, cry with you like this; no matter what the future held; I knew I would never give up on you.

_I'll make sure no one will harm you._


	11. Safe Haven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ''Can I stay over tonight?''
> 
> My voice shivering on the other line, the feeling of chocking on my own tears overwhelming me. 
> 
> ''Is everything alright?''
> 
> I closed my eyes afraid that I would break down; and I didn't want you to hear me like that.
> 
> ''Uh- I-''
> 
> I halted my footsteps. I moved the phone away from my face as I cried quietly in the cold. I could hear the faint voice from the other line calling my name. I place the phone back on my ear. 
> 
> ''Levi.''
> 
> Is all I could say.
> 
> ''Where are you? I'll come get you.''

_''Levi, good morning. My name is chief Dot Pixis, I know this is a very difficult time for you, but I am going to need you to give me a formal statement of what happened.''_

_My eyes wide open; but I can't see a thing. I haven't slept a single second._

_''Mr. Ackerman?''_

_Why won't these people just leave me the hell alone?_

_''Mr. Ackerman, I'm going to need you to co-operate with me. We have to close this case, so you can rest and your injuries can heal.''_

_I blinked several times. My body felt cold, I wasn't sure if this was reality, why am I in this white room? Is this a hospital bed? Who is this bold man in front of me? Who are these men in uniforms behind him?_

_''Levi, please.''_

_I felt a hand on my shoulder and I screamed. Suddenly, the memories of what happened began rushing through me, the vivid imagery of blood, pain, death._

_''Hah...Please. Please, leave me alone I've told you many times, I've already told you so many times.''_

_I can't blink, I can't breath. I want to die. Let me die. Leave me alone to die. I'm a useless coward. Useless piece of shit. Waste of air. Rotten meat. Useless fag._

_Useless._

_Useless._

_Useless._

**_Useless._ **

My eyes shoot open and I take a breath I felt I was holding for far too long. It was bright. Too bright. I felt warm, comfortable, safe. I rubbed my eyes, ignoring the sharp pain in my head; trying to compose myself understand where I am, and whose warm body I feel behind me, arms wrapped around me. I was afraid to turn around and look. I was afraid to turn around and see what I'd done; last thing I remembered I was getting high; and now I'm in bed with someone. I sat up and gently turned my head, trying to prepare myself for the sight of whoever I brought into my home last night.  
My breath hitched at the sight.  
I saw your naked body, your eyes shut closed, you breathing peacefully, a bandage around your torso and shoulder.  
My eyes widened and I gasped. I rubbed my forehead with my fingers and couldn't help but smile in relief. I wanted to cry of happiness that you were next to me; I was so happy it was you; so happy it was you and nobody else. My heart beat hard, my eyes watery as I reached over to gently caress your cheek.  
My beautiful, gorgeous boy.  
My Eren.  
I smiled in content gently closing my eyes and breathing in. But it wasn't long before realization shot through me. My breath hitched when I saw the inside of my arm; my wounds; the messy room; syringes all over the place; an open Narcan container; my wet clothes on the floor.  
What happened last night?  
Memories began to come back to me. Flashes of your worried expression. The cold water hitting my face; your loud cries as you held me tightly.  
I shivered; my head in my hands; I felt sharp chills through my bones. My body began to shake; and I felt myself hot; my forehead beginning to sweat. My body was asking for it again.

"Levi?"

I heard your voice as you sat up abruptly, wincing at the pain of your shoulder. You held onto my forearm and pulled me closer. I gasped; in shock; unable to look you in the eyes out of shame.

You wasted no time in wrapping your arms around me in a warm embrace.

"Oh God"

I heard you say; your voice cracking.

"I'm so glad you're okay."

You spoke in between intakes of breath as you began to cry gently. My vision became blurry; your gentle touch reassuring; your smell so nostalgic; tears going down my face as I raised my arms weakly to hold you against me; pulling you closer.

"I thought-"

I heard you speak against my shoulder, before you pulled away to look into my eyes. I let mine meet your turquoise gaze; unable to get use to the beautiful sight I couldn't help but smile.

"I'm sorry."

You said.

"I didn't mean to leave you that night. I'm- "

You frown, looking down as you brought your fist down on the mattress in frustration.

"I'm such an asshole!"  
You cried. Tears going down your face. My eyes widened. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Why were you blaming yourself? Why were you being so naive? I reached over to place my palm over your fist.  
I opened my mouth to speak but you shook your head.

"Wait. Just listen."  
You said between hiccups. Your eyes red; desperate.

"I'm never leaving again."  
My heart dropped to my knees; my shivers getting worse. I felt my chest tie into a knot as I swallowed. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. This wasn't how any of this was supposed to go.

"I know now. I know why you tried to push me away."

Your eyes flicked towards my wounds were I had made the injections. I covered my arm in embarrassment, lowering my gaze. I didn't want this. I didn't want you to see me like this. 

"I'm going to help you. We're going to get through this together."

You brought your fingers under my chin, lifting my face up to look at you. Your eyes softened as you spoke to me, and you smiled gently. It brought an indescribable warmth into my heart, but I couldn't help the cold shivers going down my spine. You couldn't help. There was absolutely nothing you could do now.

"I don't know why- don't know what's happened to you but- we will get through this."

You opened your fist to cup my hand which was above it, and brought it to your lips giving it a gentle kiss. You closed your eyes and lowered your forehead touching it on my hand. It was burning. You had a fever.

"I promise."

Your voice stern and dedicated. I closed my eyes, my body shivered without my control. I shook my head, opening my palm to cup your cheek gently. You leaned into the touch lovingly. It make my heart skip. The words barely escaping my mouth.

"You can't help me, baby."

I said quietly.

"I don't want to hear it."

I saw you frown, your hand over mine as I held your cheek, you held on it tight as you spoke.

"I'm not letting your words get to me anymore. You don't have to say a thing. I know how you feel. You-"

Your eyes flicked up to meet mine in a loving gaze. You leaned in gently; and unconsciously so did I. I wanted to feel you; no matter how much pain I was in; I wanted to touch you; hold you... kiss you. No matter how many times I told myself this wouldn't work, I couldn't resist your touch. I needed you. Needed to feel you, needed to have you near me, take care of me, love me; but that was too selfish.  
Our foreheads touched and I could feel your hot breath.

"You don't have to say a thing."

You spoke against my lips, closing your eyes. I tilted my head; closing my eyes, wiping your tears as our lips touched gently. The moment our skin connects my mind is at ease, my shivering seizes, and I feel my tense shoulders relax. Our lips move in sync; clipping together, sealing together after so long. My body trembled momentarily as I moved closer to you; my hand going around your waist; my other holding your face; my thumb brushing against your cheek; my fingers lost in your hair behind your head. I pulled you closer; kissed your deeper; you moaned, sending tingles throughout my whole body. I know I didn't have to say a thing. And I knew I couldn't hide a thing. You could read me like a book. You thought you knew everything about me, didn't you?

Your hands traveled to my neck, pulling me even closer; our tongues tangle; my hands travel down your back; touching the gentle, soft skin; cupping your ass; squeezing on the flesh gently. I broke the kiss, hissing at how sexy you were, how bad I wanted you, how desperately I needed you no matter how beat up I was. You looked at me with that same look- that fucking look that would bring me to my knees every damn time. Your eyes were watery, shining brightly, begging; begging to be mine; begging to be ruined; to be torn apart. I bit my lip as started kissing at your neck, my hands travel up your stomach, your chest, your torso, carefully, gently; and you moan leaning your head backwards, I feel a fabric tight around your skin. I pull away and freeze when reminded of the bandage around your shoulder. I sit back with a questionable look on my face and you look at me through hooded eyes; your chest going up and down as you breathed in heat. You sat up and lowered your gaze.

"What happened?'"

My voice was dark. All I hoped; was that this injury wasn't because of me, and that it wasn't anything that caused you too much pain. It would kill me knowing that you were hurt because me. It would be the last thing I would ever want. You bit your lip, before your eyes met mine hesitantly.

"I broke down your door."

You said, rubbing your arm awkwardly. I blinked in shock.

"I saw you leaned against your window. I-I didn't know if you were alive. My phone- basically my phone got ruined because I'm so fucking reckless. There wasn't anyone around and I knew you needed help so- I broke it down. And I dislocated my-"

You paused when you saw the look of horror in my eyes.

"Shoulder."

You spoke again before lowering your gaze in shame.

"I'm sorry I barged in like that. I fixed the door as best I c-"

"Let's go to the hospital."  
I cut you off. My blood boiling with anger- at myself, that I had put you in such a difficult position. I wanted to kick myself in the face, dislocate my own shoulder to compensate for your pain. Bash my head against the wall and knock myself out; end myself once and for all because I'm nothing but a useless, cowardly piece of shit that is nothing but a weight to others.

"No, it's fine. I popped it back in."

You smiled awkwardly rubbing the back of your head.

"My dad is a doctor."

You explained.

"But...are you in pain?"

You shook your head left and right impulsively.

"No, it's fine. Just a bit sore that's all."

I knew you were lying.

''How can it be fine, Eren? You broke your fucking shoulder.''

I raised my voice slightly, my nerves getting the best of me. I was feeling the pressure inside of me; as if I was about to burst.

''And you almost fucking died!''

You practically screamed at me making me snap my mouth shut. I knew there was no room for me to talk. I had no right to talk back to you; or say anything to scold you for that matter. Whether I liked it or not, you had saved my life. I took a deep breath in an effort to compose myself and I nodded raising my hand to cup your cheek, caress it with my thumb.

"You're such a brat."

I said, my voice cracking, tears gathering in my eyes, realizing what had happened; the reality of it all sinking in. I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve someone as special as you, didn't deserve someone who cared so much to put my needs ahead of theirs.

You managed to smile with worried green eyes, leaning into the touch lovingly. Your then closed them, both your hands raising to hold mine against your cheek.

"I thought I had lost you."

Your words like a whisper against my skin. But I could hear it loud and clear. It was loud and clear when you tolerated all of my bullshit; loud and clear when you broke down my door to save me; no matter how many times I have disappointed you.  
I swallowed in an attempt to suppress my urge to cry out loud. Sniffling like a child, I smiled.

"You're my brat"

I said leaning in closer to you, our foreheads touching.

"Aren't you?"

I whispered. You hiccuped; your hands on each side of my face. You nodded frantically, tears going down your face as you cried. Your thumbs rubbing reassuring circles on my cheeks.  
"You'll always be my brat."

I spoke against your lips, emotion consuming my very being; my mind still foggy from the drugs, I knew I shouldn't say so much.

"Even when you realize how much more you deserve."

I kept talking; recklessly, carelessly; just wanted you to know.

"Even when-"

I frowned, tears going down my face, and I held on to your forearms; my fingers squeezing tight.

"Even when you leave I'll-"

Your hands holding me tight, your face leaning closer to place a soft kiss on my jawline; and another one on my cheek.

"I'll always-"

You kissed the edge of my mouth; leaving wet trails where your tears had been. Your thumb brushing against my lower lip seductively, your eyes watching closely.

"I'll always want you."

I breathed against your lips, overtaken with love; desire and need. Your lips opened slightly, gently touching mine; the heat of your breath against my skin; causing tingles down my spine. Your beautiful eyes, aquamarine looking straight into mine; you spoke as a tear made it's way down the edge of your long lashes. 

"In a few years, we'll talk about all these foolish things you've said and-"

You sniffled quietly before you continued. 

"And we'll laugh"

Your voice cracked and you smiled against my lips; your eyes closed as you placed a soft kiss on my mouth.

"We'll laugh so hard."

You whispered before you pressed your lips against mine again. And again. And again.  
I wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe it so badly; I pulled you on top of me, your thighs straddling me as my arms wrapped around your waist possessively.  
As my lips traveled all across your body, tasting your skin, tasting your soul; I couldn't help but think to myself; as my body moved with yours; and I felt your touch all around me; your tongue across all my sensitive areas; your hot breath against my skin; your moans and your cries; I couldn't help but think how I would never be able to continue without you. If I don't have this- you- your body- your voice. If I don't have this, how could I possibly go on?  
But it is so selfish. So selfish of me to hold you like this. Touch you like this. Posses you; keep you closed up in my cage. I had to let you go.  
One day, I knew I had to let you go.

* * *

EREN POV:

''Did you hear about the rumours going around?''

I lifted my gaze from my plate to meet Armin cutting at his meat across the table. I swallowed the food I was chewing before replying.

''What rumours?''

I asked.

''About professor Ackerman.''

He said, before reaching out to politely ask for the salt from my mother.

''Ackerman?''

My father asked before taking a small sip from his wine.

''Yes. That's our Diplomatic History lecturer.''

Armin added, with a hand covering his mouth as he chewed.

''What about him?''

I asked, trying not to sound too eager in front of my parents, my legs moving up and down anxiously under the table.

''Well...''

Armin hesitated for second, as if regretting bringing it up in the first place. I raise my eyes to stare at him questionably, and my father notices.

''I think I know what you're about to say.''

He added. I turn to look at my father, placing my fork down instinctively. Did he know about you? Maybe he knew about your club business? Did he know about you and I? My mind began to race, and I felt my heart pound faster in my chest. 

''Well, what is it?''

I asked, sounding a little too eager than I'd like. My mother passed me the salad and I politely declined, my eyes never leaving my fathers.

He cleared his throat before speaking.

''If I'm not mistaken, he shares the same surname with Kenny Ackerman. He killed a boy in Manchester nine years ago. It was on the news, it had great media coverage.''

He shoved a forkful of meat in his mouth before chewing momentarily and covering his mouth to speak.

''In fact...''

He swallowed.

''He tried to kill his son as well. Apparently, he caught the two of them together.''

I felt a cold chill run through me as I look back at Armin. 

''What is Kenny to Levi?''

I ask. Time felt as if it had frozen, and the table went silent for a long moment. Armin looked at me through sorrowful blue; an apologetic look on his face.

''What is he to him?''

I repeat the question as calmly as I can, my mouth suddenly feeling dry as I try to swallow.

''P-people are saying he is his father.''

And that was it. My heart went still. I felt my breath hitch and limbs go numb. I feel sick to my stomach; as if someone had just rammed their fist into my belly; I cough up intensely, my eyes wide in shock.

''That can't be true; it must be a simple case of namesake.''

My mother added completely obliviously; nowhere near enough to calm my ragging breaths. I tried to gather my thoughts, my mind racing, unable to focus, I felt Armin's worried eyes pierced on me. 

''Yeah, it's probably just a stupid rumor.''

Armin added with a fake chuckle, trying to soothe my panicked expression. I tried to brush it off in an effort to calm myself down. Yes, I thought; it must be a rumor, you would have told me if something like that were true. But then I froze again. I remembered those large pale scars on your back, the countless other small scars and cuts all over your body that I chose to ignore and not ask about. The peculiar fact that I had never heard you speak about your family. The realization that I actually knew very little about your past and the reasoning behind your drug use. Could this really be true?

''How has your grandpa been, Armin? It's been so long since we've seen him.''

My mother asked, before gathering hers and my plate to move it to the kitchen.

''Oh, he's good actually! We went over to see him last weekend.''

He answered in excitement before he froze, looking up at me with an apologetic look. I sighed and braced for the impact.

''Eren, didn't you say you spent last weekend at Armin's studying for the Cold War assignment?''

My fathers tone suddenly became strict, his voice lowering a few octaves, making my skin crawl as it usually would.

''Eren?''

My mom, looking over at me with curious eyes. Time did indeed freeze for me then; I was scared. 

''And while you're at it, please explain to me how you dislocated your shoulder, and why I paid for a new phone.''

He spat out, throwing his napkin on the table with force after wiping his mouth. I swallowed nervously; my fingers began to shake.

''I told you, I got mugged.''

I said, my shaky voice definitely giving me away.

''Armin, I'm sorry; I think it's time for you to go home, son.''

My father placed a gentle palm on Armins shoulder. Armin hesitated; he looked over to me with worried eyes, I stared back with panic; afraid of being left alone in this situation right now. 

''It's okay.''

I mouthed the words to him as best I could. It wasn't his fault for a having a slip up, it wasn't in Armin's personality to lie for so long anyway. It was hard on him and I knew it. 

''I'm sorry.''

He whispered to me as he stood up.

''Thank you so much for dinner Mrs. Carla; Mr. Jaeger.''

He smiled as best he could, and my parents nodded politely. My mother escorted Armin out the door, and my father waited until he heard it close before blowing up at me. At least he had the decency to do that much.

''This stops here. If you think I'm stupid then you are sadly mistaken.''

He warned with furious eyes, leaning closer to me over the edge of the table. 

''When did I say you were stupid?''

I said with a trembling voice, my mother hesitantly making her way back to the table. 

''Have you ever heard of a mugger stealing a phone but not a wallet?''

My father turned to my mother sarcastically.

''Ever heard of an attacker dislocating a shoulder? No punches, no stabbing, no nothing?!''

He now raised his voice, and even my mother swallowed nervously.

''Now, now... let's try and be reasonable about this.''

My mom began to speak calmly, a hand reaching out to rest on my fathers shoulder; only for it to be shoved away. She gasped. 

''I am being nothing but reasonable! This ungrateful son of mine decides it's alright to lie in my face like I am some kind of stupid riff-raff!''

He bangs his fist against the table, causing both my mother and I to jump. 

''You look me in the eye like a real man and tell me the truth.''

He waved his point finger at me in a disapproving way.

''And if can't you better get the hell out of my house.''

He spat out at me as if I was some dirty rat. I felt chills throughout my entire body. It had been a long time since my father had hit me; but it felt as if it was only yesterday, the vivid memories of my loud crying, getting blow after blow for the most meaningless things. My friends staring dumbfounded while I would get beat into a pulp.

''Grisha.''

The memories of my mother crying, begging him to stop; stop hurting her child.

''Open your useless mouth and speak.''

He warned, before moving to stand up; hovering over me threateningly. 

''Grisha, please!''

My mother grabbed him by the forearm, only to be yanked away violently. I bit my lip; tears gathering in my eyes as I stood up. _Fuck it._

''And when have you ever been honest, huh?''

I spoke to his face, while we stood eye to eye. Only centimetres apart now; a dangerous tension building up in the air.

''Were you being honest when you'd say hospital kept you when you'd come home late at night?''

I spoke with disgust at the hypocrisy of the man in front of me. His lips twitched and his eyes narrowed in disbelief. It was the first time I had ever spoken back to him; but things were different now. I was older now; and maybe to him I am not man enough but the reality of the matter is- I am a man. 

''Or when you'd take a call outside, because it was an important one from work?''

The hit was so quick and hard, it threw me off balance. His palm landed sharply on the side of my face, my hand throwing down the wine glass I was drinking from earlier; as I tried to balance myself on the table.

''Grisha, Jesus Christ!''

I watched the red liquid staining the white linen tablecloth as tears gathered in my eyes. With a hand on my mouth I turn to look at my fathers furious expression. Pure hatred imprinted in my eyes. My mother held him back with all the power she had in her; my fathers eyes never leaving mine.

''I won't be belittled by the likes of you! This is my house! Get out of my sight!''

He screamed at the top of his lungs, eyes wide open with insanity; I knew he wanted to beat the shit out of me. I huffed and gritted my teeth, before making my way to my room with fast footsteps. I could hear him screaming while I began to pack a few essentials in my backpack.

''Don't you dare return until you are willing to man up and be honest!''

Tears going down my face as I pulled the zippers of the bag closed, and sat on my bed to put on my shoes.

''You ungrateful punk!''

I gathered my keys and phone from my bed side, staring at the family photo of my father, mother and a much younger Eren placed there; my vision blurred.

''All you ever do is slack off! You are lazy, incompetent and spoiled!''

My fathers voice echoing all over the house, as I made my way down the stairs and the hall leading to the main entrance.

''Grisha, I'm begging you.''

I could hear my mother trying to calm him down.

''You impudent, good for nothing-''

I slammed the door shut with force, a shriek forcing to make it's way out my throat but I contained it. My fingers trembling from the nerves, I pull out my phone while I walked fast, shivering against the snow, tears going down my face.

 _''Hello?_ ''

The voice on the other line calm and collected, softer, sweeter, so much more accepting and kind; so much more of everything I needed; everything I wanted. 

''Can I stay over tonight?''

My voice shivering on the other line, the feeling of chocking on my own tears overwhelming me. 

_''Is everything alright?''_

I closed my eyes afraid that I would break down; and I didn't want you to hear me like that.

''Uh- I-''

I halted my footsteps. I moved the phone away from my face as I cried quietly in the cold. I could hear the faint voice from the other line calling my name. I place the phone back on my ear. 

''Levi.''

Is all I could say.

_''Where are you? I'll come get you.''_

* * *

''Here''

You placed a hot cup of chamomile tea in front of me before wrapping me in a warm blanket. I was seated on your couch, you had drove out to get me and bring me here never once asking a single question of what had happened. 

''You're shivering.''

You placed a warm arm around my shoulders carefully before taking a seat next to me, your fingers running gently against my shoulder, up and down. You had your glasses on, a loose shirt and blue jeans, your laptop was on and you had a stack of papers lying around on your living room table. You must've been grading when I called. I leaned my head against your shoulder and I breathed in your scent. A calming wave of mint and vanilla causing my muscles to relax instantly. 

''I'm sorry about this. I'll be out of your hair in the morning.''

I said quietly against your warmth. I felt your hand brush my hair gently, I sighed at the feeling of comfort.

''You can stay as long as you need.''

This kindness after being completely rejected in my own home, it stirred something up inside of me that I knew I wouldn't be able to control.

''Thank you. I-I should go lie down.''

I said, in an effort to swallow the tears threatening to fall down. I sat back and smiled weakly at you; a very worried expression on your face. 

''Okay. I'll be up in a minute. I just have a few things to finish up.''

You nodded and smiled as I stood up, grabbing the handle of my cup carefully to hand it to me. The blanket still wrapped around me as I made my way up the stairs into your room. I placed the tea carefully on my side of the bed, before laying down on the perfectly tucked in sheets. I sank my face into the pillows and breathed in your scent. I tried to block out the memories of my father's furious face, with thoughts of your hands wrapped around me. I imagined your fingertips roaming over my thighs, your warm lips dancing over the side of my neck, your lethal grey eyes piercing into me with the promise of taking me apart. I breathed in deeply and ground against the soft mattress; your scent driving me wild, I bite my lip. I imagine your lips on mine; hungry; biting and suckling, kissing at me; your hands tangled in my hair; pulling my head back as you bite my neck; your raged breaths warm against my skin; I moan quietly. 

I feel myself harden under my trousers and I hiss, turning to lay on my back. My hand reaches into my boxers and I shiver at the cold touch against my skin. The soft blanket that smelled so strongly of you; sitting tightly around my shoulders, I throw my head back and moan at the sensation of my hand stroking my hard throbbing, length up and down. Only you in my mind; holding me close; your hand wrapped around my cock, sliding up and down watching while I come undone for you. Your gorgeous jaw slack with lust while you watch, your eyes hooded staring me down as if I'm your prey, your fingers in my mouth while I moan, suckling at them while you take a nipple between your teeth, going lower; lower; down my belly; down to kiss the inside of my thighs; bite hard; groan at my hardness; how much I'm leaking, how bad I'm twitching; how much I need you. I moan a little louder than I wanted to, kicking my trousers and boxers off the bed, my hand moving more vigorously now, your name hanging by a thread off my lips.

''...Levi''

I moan gently, the thought of your talented mouth on my length, swallowing me all the way back to your throat, your fingers rubbing against my twitching entrance, groaning against it sending vibrations throughout my entire length. 

''Mm''

I bite my lip at the thought of you lifting your head to look at me through teary, hooded eyes; and wet, red lips asking me if you can fuck me; your fingers going in and out of me faster now, harder now, twisting and turning inside of me brushing against that spot that would drive me mad. 

''Ah...''

I sigh at the thought, feeling my cock leak already, the thought of my face tucked into the crook of your neck. Your scent sending my mind into a frenzy; my hands around your back, nails digging into your skin; your hard, big, thick cock going in and out of me violently; ripping into me with no mercy; fucking me up completely. Harder; faster; your hand tight around my neck as you breath into my mouth how much you like fucking me; how I'm your little slut and you can do whatever you want to me, breeding me, ruining me, destroying me-

''Let me help.''

I jump at the sound of your voice, gasping; my movements seize completely. My face feels hot as I blush, but when I look up to meet your expression the feeling of embarrassment dies down quickly. You come at me with fever, you pull your glasses off and throw them onto the bedside before landing on top of me; your body grinding hard between my legs; I moan into your mouth as your lips devour me.   
  
''Keep going''  
  
You say against my lips, your hand guiding mine to my own hard length. I continue stroking myself, while you kiss against my neck, your crotch pushing against mine with fever; you groan against my skin. Your hand roaming under my shirt, rubbing at my nipple, your other gripping tight at my outer thigh, as I wrap my leg around your waist. You look at me through hooded grey eyes as you bring your point and middle finger to your open mouth, your tongue grazing them, coating them with saliva; a deep shudder beginning from the bottom of my spine makes me moan out at the sight. You smirk before you bring the same fingers into my mouth with a bite of your lip. I keep stroking myself as I suck at your fingers greedily, my eyes never leaving yours.   
  
''You are so fucking lewd.''  
  
  
You pull your fingers out of my mouth with a groan, before bringing them between my legs to circle my entrance. I throw my head back biting my lip in frustration. This was too much. I needed to feel more. Needed more of you inside of me, all over me, I wanted to become completely yours; to do with as you please; to make me do things I knew I would never do for anyone other than you. I was your whore, your slut, your toy-  
  
  
''Do you know how provocative you are?''  
  
The words were dripping off your lips, an erotic expression plastered on that stunning face, watching me while I stroke myself for you; your crotch inflated begging to be released from the discomfort of your jeans. I wanted to touch you, looking at you; your muscular forearms, your pink lips, slack jaw, pale tempting neck, creamy collarbones, thick thighs, hard crotch begging for attention; I wanted you bad, so fucking bad I could die.  
  
''What're you looking at?''  
  
Your voice husky and inviting with a hint of tease, leaning down without breaking eye contact, you push the inside of my thighs to spread my legs wider. I gasp at the feeling of your heated breath against my skin. Your thumb teased my entrance, rubbing against the sensitive flesh; my chest shuddered at the sensation as I stared down at you. You looked up at me with alluring and tantalizing feral grey.  
  
''Will you let me taste you?''  
  
A raged breath leaves my lips as I bite them in anticipation. You lean in closer, giving me a quick, cat like lick before you lock eyes once again; as if eager to see my reaction. I gasp at the sensation. Part of me felt embarrassed, but another part of me just wanted to beg.  
  
''Is that a yes?''  
  


You kissed at my inner thigh, rubbing circles against my entrance. I moaned and thrust my hips forward without my control.

''No?''

You teased as you sat up bringing my ankle to your shoulder to bite down at my calve sensually. I gasped at the pain, watching you as you began to kiss your way down my leg, your lips leaving butterfly kisses in my inner thigh; eyes staring me expectantly.

''Mm''

You moaned against my skin, causing goosebumps to form at the back of my neck. I shiver. Precum going down my shaft as I stroke myself; unable to find the courage to ask I push myself a little further.

''Please.''

I said weakly in between ragged breaths, my body begins to shake in arousal as you begin to kiss over the soft skin of the junction between my inner thigh and left ass cheek.

''Please, what?''

You spoke in almost a whisper against the tingle of my skin. I groaned in frustration; you wanted me to beg. You loved it when I begged for you; came undone for you; left all the dignity I had in me out the door. 

''Please, taste me.''

I managed to say breathlessly staring down at you through aroused, hooded eyes. You run your tongue over your lower lip, before biting down on it, your eyes focusing on the part of my body that felt most sensitive right now. You close your eyes before you dive in to place your wet mouth against my twitching hole. I gasp at the sensation, a breathy moan leaving my lips.

''Mmaah...''

My head hangs back as I leave my body completely to your control, both my hands move to the back of your head to tangle in your hair, leaving my throbbing length to shudder at the cool air. You moan against the wet skin, your tongue going over my hole over and over, not giving me a single second for a breather. The feeling was overwhelming, it felt so good.

''Oh, fuck.''

I cursed, my lower regions tingling with arousal, I rubbed myself against your mouth; your hands squeezing at my groins, pulling the cheeks apart further for your tongue to enter; your lips moving with the utmost stimulus. You watched my expression as I moaned out when your tongue entered me; you even groaned while doing so, causing vibrations throughout my entire lower area. It blew my mind, not only the sensation of your greedy wet tongue, but the idea that I was being completely and utterly accepted, the idea that the most secret part of me was being devoured; and enjoyed as if it was the greatest delicacy in the entire world; it drove me crazy.

''Mm, Levi!''

I didn't think it would be possible; but I felt myself close to release. I pulled gently at your hair; refusing to let it end like this; biting my lip in frustration as you pull away with a smack of your lips, leaving one last butterfly kiss against the throbbing skin. Your fingers take your tongues place as you move up to meet me eye to eye.

''Hah...you want a taste?''

You hot breath against my parted lips, your eyes staring down with lust; I waste no time before I capture your mouth in a heated kiss, moaning into it at the sensation of your fingers entering me. Your tongue enters my mouth, leaving me breathless, my knees going weak. Overwhelmed, I jump at the feeling when your other hand wraps around my length, my arms hook around your neck as I moan helplessly.

''See how amazing you taste?''

You break the kiss to speak teasingly against my cheek as I moaned desperately. You bit your lip.

''Mm''

You grunt against my skin, your hands moving more vigorously now as if determined to make me come undone. It felt so good; my mind was filled with nothing but you; nobody else but you, making me feel so good, so relaxed, so happy to be alive.

''You're so beautiful''

The praises dripping like nectar down those swollen lips,

''I'm so lucky...''

The wet kisses you would leave on my neck,

''Nobody in the world is as lucky as I am right now''

Your body pressed up against me, your intoxicating scent, the feeling of warmth you'd ignite inside of my heart; it couldn't compare to any other feeling in the world. I kissed you deeply again, my arms tight around you, I was so close; I wanted to tell you I love you, thank you for accepting me, thank you for making me feel so loved, so cherished; even when everyone would tell me otherwise, I knew now you were capable of making me feel at the top of the world with nothing but a touch of your fingertips. 

''Ah, Levi-''

I pressed my forehead against yours, my eyes half closed as I felt my body tingle with pure pleasure. Your eyes stared back at me with pure desire...and love. I felt safe, I felt accepted, I felt protected and most importantly; it felt like I was meant to be here, like this is where I belong, you just felt like...home.

''I've got you, baby.''

Your voice was so sweet, your touch so gentle when you kissed my cheek. I felt tears build up in my eyes, close to my release; I couldn't fight it, the shivers running through my entire body; the twitching of my length as your hand slid with ease against it, the feeling of your fingers rubbing against my prostate, your warm neck as I bury my face into it and moan loud,

''Mm ah!''

Hot liquid making a mess between us, but you still held me close as ever; tight and warm, keeping it safe for me, keeping it guarded and secure for me, where nobody could harm me and I was protected, out of harm's way. I rode out my orgasm as you placed a strong arm around my waist, your lips kissing at my cheek and down my neck softly. I shivered and my eyes fluttered closed as the last waves of pleasure ran through me. I felt myself relax in your arms, hours of tension and stress finally getting the better of me, I feel myself break down.

''Hey''

You place a warm palm at the back of my head, a worried tone in your voice. I sobbed quietly, snuggling tighter against you; my tears wetting the skin of your neck. 

''Baby''

You gentle voice, as reassuring and as calming as it may be, it did little to soothe the dull ache in my heart. I knew when tomorrow comes I would have to return to that house; away from you, away from this safe haven that had become my home. I was afraid I was going to lose you, I was afraid I was going to lose the one person in the world that made me feel completely accepted and loved. 

''Just hold me.''

I begged with a strained voice. You didn't hesitate to bring a strong hand around my shoulders while your other tangled in my hair. You placed a chaste kiss on the skin behind my ear, my arms hooked tight around your strong neck, I breathed in your scent and latched on to you for dear life. 

''Come on, let's lie down.''

You lean sideways, bringing me with you so that our bodies lay on the mattress pressed up against one another. I buried my face in the crook of your neck while you pulled your blanket over us to cover my trembling body. 

''There we go.''

You kissed the top of my head as your hand wrapped around my shoulders holding me close. The other placed against my neck, your thumb moving gently against my cheek. You leaned your head over mine and remained silent for a while; you waited patiently as I cried quietly against your neck, my fingers causing your shirt to crease as they held a tight grip on the fabric. You rocked me gently and shushed against my forehead, placing gentle kisses on the skin, keeping me warm and safe. When I finally began to calm and my breathing began to even out, only left with sniffles and the occasional shudders from my chest, I felt your tight hold loosen slightly; only now realising just how tightly you were holding me against you. 

''I got in a fight with my dad.''

I said weakly.

''He says I'm a disappointment. That I'm a good for nothing, spoiled, useless fucking kid.''

I sniffled, my stomach turning at the memories of my father's words.

''He hit me across the face.''

I continued, feeling you shift, moving lower to meet me eye to eye. Our foreheads were almost touching, your thumb moving gently over my cheek, the same one that got hit by Grisha, as if you could feel my pain, your eyes were calm, staring into mine, giving me a sense of comfort, trust and security. 

''He is so full of shit. He belittles me constantly, he hurts me-''

I felt myself choke up; you leaned in to place a kiss on the skin under my eye, giving me strength; courage to continue.

''He would disown me if he knew who I really am.''

I said weakly, my eyes watering all over again at the thought. I knew my father wouldn't accept my being gay. It made me despise myself, deny my true nature for many years, made me feel confused and made me suffer. Maybe he was part of the reason why it took me so long to accept the reality of my preferences. 

''Don't say that.''

You said calmly, your eyes illuminating nothing but hope, kindness and acceptance.

''I'm telling you right now... you are the most intelligent person I've ever met. I've seen you in class; whenever you evaluate you make exceptional points. I don't think anyone in your grade thinks in the way that you do. You are capable of so much more than you think. You've been held back for so long, you have never been able to unleash your full potential.''

You smiled sweetly.

''If your father can't see what an amazing son he has, he is the one at loss. Even if he disowns you, you'll be fine. I promise you, you will find your way. You're tough.''

You pinched my nose playfully, and I couldn't help but chuckle lightly at the act. I pressed my forehead against yours.

''If I get kicked out in the cold I don't think it would matter how tough I am.''

I said teasingly, before placing a closed mouthed kiss against your lips. I wanted to tell my father the truth once I returned home, but I knew the possibility of him disowning me and kicking me out of the house was very high. If I were to take that risk, there was a high chance my entire life would be set back. 

''I told you... You can always stay with me. You can stay as long as you need.''

Your warm fingertips gently making their way down my neck; I snuggle closer to you; thankful; grateful that I had you.

''Thank you, Levi.''

You pulled your arms around me tight. Held me against your chest tightly and lovingly. I sighed in relief at the massive weight being lifted off my chest; everything felt easier now; everything felt better. I felt stronger. I felt like no matter what I wouldn't be alone. I knew I had at least one person who would stick right behind me when times are tough; and I knew I would do exactly the same for them. This feeling of warmth; this guarded embrace that I wouldn't trait for anything else in the world, this heavy feeling of sorrow finally beginning to unshackle my heart.

''Mm, how about a nice hot shower?''

I whisper seductively against your lips, my hand palming gently at your semi-hard length, still in pain from being brought on the edge earlier. You bit your lip with a slight smirk.

''That sounds lovely.''

If I could have your fingertips on my skin, your inebriating scent lingering over me, the warm feeling of your soft skin against mine, your velvet voice dancing around my ears...no matter what, I would be alright. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry to end this with a cliffhanger but I am evil (¬‿¬)  
> Thank you everyone for your amazing comments and support! I honestly am always looking forward to writing and uploading every time, it gives me a sense of purpose and an amazing one to say the least!  
> I hope you are enjoying the story, feel free to leave feedback good or bad, all is welcome!  
> Thank you ♥‿♥


	12. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooooo! Hope you're doing great \ (•◡•) /  
> I am back with another update and I really, really love this one! I hope you guys will like it! Let me know in the comments what you think of the fanfic and how it's going, I'd love to hear your feedback!  
> I used some song lyrics in this chapter, the song is called Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex. It's a good listen if you'd like to check it out. I listened to it while I wrote this chapter.  
> With that said,  
> Enjoyyyyyy!

The warm water in combination with your soft hands tangled in my shampooed hair sent the most powerful tingles throughout the entire surface of my skin. I sighed against the steamy air, closing my eyes. I lifted my hands to let them sit on each of your shoulders, feeling the soft skin underneath, rubbing into the tense muscles. I winced a the sharp pain of my shoulder while doing so, the strapping tape still attached on the sore area, I breathed out gently as the pain began to die down again.

''It hurts a lot, doesn't it?''

You spoke quietly in the moist air; your voice was dark, filled with regret, so I wasted no time before shaking my head left to right, opening my eyes. You had a sad look on your face, your eyes half lidded, your brows furrowed together, you were pressing your lips together and your jaw stiffened; as if you were trying to stop yourself from going on a tantrum.

''It's fine.''

I smiled gently, my able arm hooked around your neck as I pulled you closer. The foam now almost completely clear out of my hair.

''Not your fault.''

I kissed your lips tenderly; they were hot; swollen; delicious. You breathed out of your nose sharply before your hands travelled to my waist to pull me even closer carefully. The tension between us was unreal, no matter what we did it was never enough; I always found myself wanting more. The feeling of our wet skin rubbing against each other, your lips clashing against mine; my teeth biting at the flesh, fever running through my veins; it was intoxicating. I grabbed at your chin to tilt your head to the side, my lips attacking the skin of your neck viciously. You hiss; your hands grab a handful of my glutes; squeezing at the skin in frustration; and I knew that feeling all too well. Our erections rubbed against one another, hardness against hardness, heat against heat; and my breath hitched. 

''Eren''

My hand travelled down your torso, moving down your muscular abdominals, feeling the soft skin tighten under my touch.

''Yes?''

I spoke in a teasing manner, just as you had to me earlier; wanting to return the favor I palmed against your erection, biting my lip in arousal at the feeling of the hot skin under my touch.

''You don't have to''

But not only I had to; I _needed_ to. I needed to hear you moan for me, pant for me, beg for me just as I always did for you. I needed to feel you in every way possible; because no matter what it just never seemed to be enough. I needed to have you come undone for me, let go with me, free yourself with me, show me the darkest, most fucked up parts of you; the most twisted side of you that nobody else has seen before. I wanted to know everything about you. The thoughts captivating my head as I fall down to my knees. 

''You don't have to do this, Eren''

I looked up at you with furious eyes, my hand still pumping at your hard, leaking length, I licked my lips as my hand slid up and down.

''I want to make you feel good.''

No matter how may times I would say that it didn't really seem like you understood what it meant. I wanted your body to feel good, your mind to feel good, I wanted you to feel _good_. To feel like everything is okay, to feel that you are not alone, to feel at ease, to let go of whatever was tormenting you. Because I knew something was wrong. As you threw your head back in pleasure, as my mouth devoured you, my fingers curled tight around the skin in your thighs; I could feel your pain. I could feel the weight of your chest; the hint of melancholy in your voice as you groaned, as if you shouldn't be allowed to feel this way; as if you don't deserve pleasure; happiness; bliss.

''Fuck''

I took in all the curse words that made their way out of your mouth, I took in the sensation of your fingers pulling at my hair, I took in the hot water hitting my back as I took you in all the way to the back of my throat. I bobbed my head faster against you, harder; feeling my eyes water, I raise them up to look at your face. You were looking down at me with lustful hooded eyes, lip bitten tight between white teeth, jaw clenched tight, eyebrows brought together in an erotic expression. Even then, I could tell you were holding back. Your fingers were tight around my strands of hair, but still tugging as lightly as possible, a if afraid to cause any type of discomfort. No matter how badly you wanted to tear me apart, your touch was still gentle, your mouth opening but never saying what you were actually thinking. 

''Hah...Yes''

You were breathing so heavily; driving yourself mad. I could tell this wasn't enough for you either. I knew the thoughts that were going through your head, I knew because the exact same ones were in mine. I pull away to speak against your throbbing length.

''Fuck my mouth.''

I knew you wanted to do it. I could tell because of the way your cock was twitching in my mouth, I could tell by that tense look on your face, the trembling of your hands, your shaky breaths. You shook your head left to right.

''You don't have to do that, Eren. This is more than enough.''

Husky voice, needy and desperate; dripping with pure desire; the words that were spoken said the exact opposite, but I wasn't having any of that shit.

''I want it. I want you to. Please.''

I found myself begging once again, and I knew in the end I would get what I'm asking for. You looked down at me, torn; but your eyes suddenly lit up as your hands moved through my hair to the back of my head. I closed my eyes as your thumbs pressed gently against the skin of my temples before settling at the back of my head. 

''Fuck it, hard.''

I said quietly, earning a deep groan from you as you pushed your hard length inside of my mouth violently. I almost gagged at the sensation, but my eyes rolled to the back of my head in relief. You thrusted against my mouth fast, hard; desperate, moaned as you did so, your tugged at my hair violently and I cried out against your length. 

''Do you know what you do to me?''

You spoke hoarsely in the misty air.

''Look at me''

I turned my gaze upwards, trying my best to meet your eyes. And there it was finally; the look I wanted to see all evening. That hungry, desperate, vicious, furious expression; the one you would give me right before you'd fuck me up. Tears going down my cheeks, saliva down my chin, my throat throbbing, the sides of my mouth stinging; and I fucking loved it. I wondered how hard you fucked; the ways in which you'd bend my body; the things you would say to me; how you'd look at me; the face you would make when you'd come inside of me. 

''Oh fuck''

I wondered what the deal was. I wanted to know the whole story. I wanted to know why the fuck you wouldn't fuck me just like you were fucking my mouth right now. I wondered why you couldn't just let go with me; do everything you want to me; because I knew you wanted it. What was stopping you? The drug use? Or was it rooted somewhere deeper than that? My mind began to get filled with thoughts of what was said at the dinner table.

_Who is Kenny Ackerman?_

''If you keep looking up at me with those eyes''

_Who is he to you?_

I whined against your member; held my gaze in persistency; I watched as you began to come undone. Slurs and profanities dripping off your lips like poison; your pace beginning to pick up, I felt the urge to cough up against your length; but I controlled myself, the feeling of being filled up by your cock far too satisfying.

_Would you tell me if I asked you?_

''Shit''

_What happened?_

Your grip painfully tight around my hair.

''Eren''

_What happened to you, Levi?_

''Hah''

You began to take high pitched intakes of breath, and I made sure I would accept every single drop of pleasure that would be produced out of this intoxicating encounter.

_Who are you, Levi?_

_'_ ''Fuck!''

With one last hard thrust, you buried yourself deep inside my mouth, you pushed my head hard against your throbbing length, and I felt spurts of hot liquid being shot deep inside of my throat. I moaned at the sensation, matching your sexy grunts as you rode out your orgasm. I came before I knew it, my hand rubbing against my own member the entire time; and I hadn't even realized it until now. You released me, before pulling me up carefully, bringing me in for a heated kiss.

* * *

''You need to eat something. I've got some leftover pasta from lunch today.''

You offered, opening the fridge to pull out a container. You were wearing the same pyjama bottoms you wore the morning after the first night I ever spent in your home. I was seated at the kitchen table, wearing a pair of trainers you had given me. They smelled just like you; I tried to fight the wave of arousal that began to take over me once again. 

''Okay, but what will you eat?''

I asked. My eyes traced the muscles of your back; the pale scars that were very apparent on your shoulder blade. I decided I would look closely this time, there was two of them; one longer then the other, not too far apart. It looked like a stab wound, according to the knowledge I had due to my father's influence; but there was no being sure about it. The only thing I knew for sure is that those were most definitely not birthmarks.

''I don't eat at night.''

You placed the leftover food in a plate.

''Why not?''

I asked curiously. My eyes looking closely at the skin of your lower back, the smaller scars that gathered there. Those ones looked like burn marks.

''I don't have much of an appetite.''

You placed the plate in the microwave; it made a few beeping sounds as you pressed on the buttons. I bit my lip in hesitation. I didn't want to be too nosy, but I felt we were at a point were we could talk about these things. I still had to be strategic about it though. You reached up the cupboard to bring out a pot before filling it up with water and placing it on the stove.

''How did you parents react when you told them you were gay?''

I asked, before swallowing nervously. You didn't react to the question, but I was sure you had heard me.

''Do you want tea?''

You asked, pulling out a cup from the cupboard.

''I'm fine, thanks.''

You were still facing away from me, and not knowing what facial expression you were making was driving me slightly insane. 

''Will you answer my question?''

I asked once again; and I swear I felt my voice tremble. I heard you sigh, your head bowed down slightly before you cleared your throat and propped yourself back up straight.

''My parents died when I was young.''

There was silence after that, and something felt completely off about the whole situation. You poured yourself some tea, before opening the microwave after it beeped signalling the end of the heating session. You placed the plate of pasta in front of me and sat opposite me, your eyes looking away from me as you spoke.

''I hope this is okay.''

You crossed your legs before bringing the cup of tea to your lips, taking a very small sip. 

''Thank you, it's perfect.''

I took a spoonful of pasta in my mouth, chewed down, but couldn't taste much at the strange gut feeling inside of me. You were acting strange; nervous almost. As if afraid I would ask more questions. I decided to push a little further and try my luck. 

''I noticed the scars on your back.''

I saw you freeze at that. Your eyes widened slightly and you cleared your throat before moving to uncross your legs. You paused for a moment. 

''Those are birthmarks.''

I felt a shiver run down to the depths of my chest. So you were lying to me. I nodded to myself, trying to compose the feelings rushing through me. I needed to find a way to approach the subject without making you feel interrogated. Of course, I didn't know how. However, there was one thing I knew for sure: _You were lying_. I tried to ignore the pressure in my chest as I fought to eat the last bites of my dinner; as delicious as it was, I felt as if I had a large lump in my throat. I swallowed before I spoke.

''I'm sorry to hear about your parents. How did they die?''

I asked after a long moment. You tensed up, suddenly seeming extremely uncomfortable. 

''What's with the questions, Eren?!''

Before I was able to apologise, you snapped at me hard, I dropped my fork on the table when I jumped back at your loud voice. Your eyes finally locked with mine and you had an expression I hadn't seen before. You seemed so frightened. My eyes were widened in shock, and I found myself unable to speak. 

''Shit...''

You rubbed at your temples before sighing and moving your head left to right apologetically.

''I'm sorry about that. I'm didn't mean to yell.''

Your hands began to tremble, and I noticed your breathing was slightly elevated. 

''No! No, it's my fault. I'm sorry, I was being way too nosy.''

I said with a clear of my throat. In an effort to brush the subject off I resumed to eating the pasta, however it wasn't enough to change the strange vibe in the air. 

''Don't be...It's only normal for you to want to know these type of things. They are common things, after all.''

You seemed like you forced those last few words, before you stood up to spill the still hot tea down the sink drain, as if the mere thought of drinking it disgusted you. You placed your hands on each side of the sink as your head hung low. I watched in confusion, your breathing started to become a little more elevated, you began to cough quietly and clearing your throat. I stood up in worry. A hand reached over to touch your back, but you gasped and flinched, turning around to face me with a pair of terrified eyes. I stood there frozen. The arm that was trying to reach you earlier still stuck up in the air. I began to speak hesitantly.

''I'm sor-''

''Fuck; sorry. I'm going to go out for a smoke. I'll be right back.''

You walked past me with quick footsteps, and I couldn't help but remain frozen in shock as I heard you make your way up the stairs. It was confirmed now; that something terrible had happened to you. I was smart enough to recognize PTSD related behavior, and I knew that for some reason the mention of your scars and your parents triggered you. I sat back down, my eyes widened as I was still lost in thought. Trying to understand what had just happened; trying to wrap my head around it. Did you think I was going to _harm_ you? It seemed as if you were entering an intense wave of a panic attack. Having multiple ones myself, I knew well enough the symptoms of one. I knew well enough the pain of having one, the hopelessness you'd feel; the loneliness you'd feel. I wondered if I should've gone after you. What do you do in these situations? Are you supposed to be left alone? It seemed as if wanted to be alone, but my stomach turned with worry. This was all my fault after all; the last thing I would want is to make matters worse. I thought hard and long for a while and waited; but your said 'smoke' had been taking far too long than it should. I made my way up the stairs hesitantly, calling your name through the entire process, hoping it would be a fair warning to you that I am coming. When I reached the top of the stairs and began walking down the hallway, I noticed that the bedroom door was wide open, and I could feel a cold breeze, along with the hint smell of smoke. I walked ever so slowly as I entered the room, terrified of what I might find. I could hear a song playing; the music coming from the balcony.

''Levi?''

I called out to you once I was near the open balcony window and waited for you to give me permission to come near. 

''I'm here.''

I heard a quiet voice, dark; but calm. I made my way outside, the cool air making my cheeks sting. I noticed you sitting against the wall, cigarette in hand with a open pack right next you. You had put on a long sleeve shirt and you were facing forward, away from me. A portable radio next to you; faint melancholic, relaxing music playing low. It was not a clear night tonight; the sky was gloomy and pale with clouds; so I wasn't sure what you were staring at. I made my way closer to you; but no too close. I sat opposite you, making sure to keep a fair distance between us. We were silent for a moment, as I tried to read the situation. It seemed as if you had calmed down, but your eyes were red, as if you had been crying. You looked beat, a plain look of defeat imprinted on your face. I swallowed nervously, my heart ached at the sight. I wanted to help; but I didn't really know how. After a while, I finally spoke.

''Are you okay?''

I suggested quietly. You turned to me, your eyes lowering right after meeting mine, as if you were ashamed; and then you nodded slowly, sucking on to the bud of your cigarette. 

''I- uhm... I didn't mean to upset you like this. I'm so sorry.''

I said earnestly. Part of me wanting to smack myself across the face; but another part of me dying to know who has harmed you. I wanted to move over next to you and hold you; whisper sweet nothings in your ear and tell you that everything is going to be okay. You brought your head back against the wall. 

''It's okay.''

You managed to say weakly.

''I'm just so...''

You paused, before bringing your head forward again, your hands rubbing at the sides of your head.

''So fucked up.''

Your voice trembled at that, you fidgeted slightly, were obviously about to cry again and I felt my chest crack. 

''So am I.''

I offered. ''So is everyone.''

You huffed before shaking your head and bringing the bud to your lips once again. I swallowed before I began to speak.

''So- uhm I did the reading about the Crimean War with Armin today. I was thinking of doing my assignment on that. What do you think?''

I figured a change of subject might help lift the spirits. Immediately, your eyes lit up as you turned to look at me; a new found confidence in your voice as you spoke. 

''Yeah? With what argument?''

You asked, switching to professor mode in an instant, your trap questions made me shake with nerves even outside the lecture room. I fidgeted thinking about my answer before I spoke. 

''It reshaped Europe's power structure.''

You smiled at that, nodding your head, urging me to continue. ''How so?''

I mentally gave myself a pat on the back. It seemed as if you were beginning to loosen up, your eyes looking less and less lifeless, your posture finally beginning to straighten. Your gaze locked with mine, without fear. 

''Well, first of all''

I began speaking, your eyes staring expectantly with careful attention.

''Russia lost.'' I said. ''That is already quite empowering for Europe as a whole.''

You nodded. ''And?''

I smiled, bringing my lips together. ''And...with Russia crippled, the unification of Germany and the new founded power of the British, Europe became a power on its own.''

You grinned, taking a puff from your cigarette blowing out the smoke as you spoke. 

''That is an interesting take into the turn of events.'' You said. ''Although your points are very good, the main reason for Europe's empowerment after the war is actually the Treaty of Paris.'' 

You looked over at me through hooded eyes and huffed. ''Russia lost because of Western influence.''

I hummed questionably at that. I knew you were trying to challenge me as you always would. I bit my lip and chuckled lightly. ''I will make sure to include that in my contentions.'' I smiled into the words, eyeing you provocatively; gaining a small laugh from you in the process. It was amazing how passionate you were about teaching; the way your face would light up with interest and anticipation; the smile that would creep onto your lips at the mere mention of it. It was who you were.

''So you heard about the rumors going around, then?''

The smile from my face disappeared fast enough. You had lost your previous glim, and I couldn't read you poker face. You pushed the bud of your cigarette into the ashtray placed on your side, before you rested your wrists on your knees. I wasn't about to play dumb, or act as if I didn't know what you were talking about. Part of me knew the truth; another part of me absolutely denied it. I nodded. 

''It's true. The rumors are true.''

At that moment I couldn't really react. I physically felt my heart drop my stomach and my throat tie up in a knot. You paused and studied my face, waiting for a reaction of some sort; but I was unable to give you one. I felt that if I moved now I would probably break down; so I chose to remain completely still, while inside of me I was screaming. I just bored into you with eyes almost wide open; I couldn't even blink. Eventually, I forced a breath I was holding for a while out of my lungs, clearing my throat and nodding understandingly. I had never been faced with a situation like this; it was hard for me to plan out my next move. Thankfully you broke the silence.

''That is all I'm going to say. Please don't ask anymore of me.''

There was a hint of melancholy in your eyes, your voice was steady however, and you seemed calm and collected. I nodded frantically at that, raising my eyebrows.

''Of course! T-thank you for telling me.''

I managed to blurt out nervously, unable to say much more than that, I offered an apologetic look.

''Don't look at me like that.'' You spat.

''Like what?'' I bit my lip anxiously.

You looked away before pulling out another cigarette.

''Like you pity me.''

You said with the bud between your lips. I moved my head left to right in denial; I didn't pity you. If anything, I found you most inspiring; most empowering for being able to live the life you were living after something so traumatic. You were truly amazing.

''I admire you.'' I offered with a small smile. 

You scoffed ''You admire this?'' You motioned towards yourself humorously. I paused, finding it particularly difficult to phrase my thoughts in the right words. I scooted a little bit closer to you, watching your reaction as I did, making sure it was okay. You weren't saying anything, but your eyes were staring expectantly, as if you were dying to hear something, _needed_ to hear something come out of my mouth. 

''I admire your strength.''

I said simply, unable to say much else, feeling my throat too tight, my chest too heavy, my knees too weak; I stared up at you; surely you were tearing up, and surely so was I. This was hard. It was not a simple conversation that you'd have with someone, about something horrible that had happened to someone else. This was a difficult conversation, and the subject matter is serious; it's real; terrifying and disturbing. This was real life, it wasn't simple, but wasn't complicated either; the world is cruel and unfair after all.

''Can I touch you?''

I said weakly, breathless, in desperate need to hold you in my arms, take away some of the pain, thank you for trusting me enough to open up to me, say all the things I cannot say verbally. You let out a breath of what seemed like relief.

''Please''

The word came out of your mouth almost like a whisper. I moved fast. My body in desperate need to be united with yours; as if only a moment longer would cause it to fall apart. I straddled you, my hands on each side of your neck, my thumbs running gently over your cheeks. You closed your eyes; and I kissed you tenderly. The faint taste of mint and smoke on your lips. You placed your cigarette in the ashtray before running your hands over my waist, up to my shoulder blades. We broke the kiss, our foreheads touching; breaths mixing together, you open your intoxicating grey to look into my eyes. I held my breath, taken aback by the intensity in your stare; as if showing me the depths of your soul; as if begging me to give you some kind of relief, and as if you understood how I felt; as if you knew every single emotion going through me. You pushed your lips against mine again and I breathed out sharply through my nose; eyes close instantly.

_I love you._

Would it be okay if I tell you?

I thought I heard the sound of rain; but I didn't stop. Surely, it was raining and I was getting slightly wet; but I couldn't care. I couldn't care less because you were in my arms and I could feel the warmth of your skin, and I could taste the heat of your lips, and I could see the fire in your eyes. You were here; we were here, maybe fucked up; maybe twisted; maybe scarred, but not ruined; not hopeless; and surely... not alone. The sound of a song playing on the radio was faint, but I could still hear the words lingering in the wet air.

_You leapt from crumbling bridges_  
_Watching cityscapes turn to dust_  
_Filming helicopters crashing in the ocean_  
_From way above_

_Got the music in you baby, tell me why_  
_Got the music in you baby, tell me why_  
_You've been locked in there forever_  
_And you just can't say goodbye_

_Kisses on the foreheads of the lovers_  
_Wrapped in your arms_  
_You've been hiding them in_  
_Hollowed out pianos left in the dark_

_Got the music in you baby, tell me why_  
_Got the music in you baby, tell me why_  
_You've been locked in there forever_  
_And you just can't say goodbye_

_Your lips, my lips, apocalypse_  
_Your lips, my lips, apocalypse_  
_Go and sneak us through the rivers_  
_Flood is rising up on your knees, oh please_  
_Come out and haunt me, I know you want me_  
_Come out and haunt me_

_Sharing all your secrets with each other_  
_Since you were kids_  
_Sleeping soundly with the locket_  
_That she gave you clutched in your fist_

_Got the music in you baby, tell me why_  
_Got the music in you baby, tell me why_  
_You've been locked in there forever_  
_And you just can't say goodbye_

_You've been locked in there forever_  
_And you just can't say goodbye_

_Oh, oh_  
_When you're all alone_  
_I will reach for you_  
_When you're feeling low_  
_I will be there too_

* * *

"Eren, you've got to tell us what's going on."

My fathers words were very dark, his voice was low, staring at me through his glasses; his eyes were intimidating. We were all sitting in our living room, my parents had just finished their dinner when I arrived. I had just gotten back from spending a few days with you. I was frightened, but I knew no matter what I would not be alone; I would not be abandoned. My fathers stance was offensive, my mothers eyes averted elsewhere, a remorseful look on her face.

I felt my lips tremble. I knew there was no way out of this; that it was coming sooner or later. I had already come to terms with the fact that I would bare the whole truth today. 

"You're out late all the time, son. You're lying. You're spending nights away from home. Where do you go?"

My father brought both his hands to rest in front of his chin, binding his fingers together. My mother lowered her gaze as he spoke the words. His was voice calm, yet extremely intimidating. My mother looked up towards me; awaiting nervously for my answer. I swallowed before I replied, looking both of them back and forth.

''I'm an adult am I not? Why is it so important?''

Suddenly, the atmosphere changed completely.  
Both my mother and I jumped in fear when my father slammed his hand down on the dinner table; plates and forks hitting loud against the wood; his glass of red wine stained across the table cloth. I panicked.

"How dare you look me in the eye and lie?!"

He yelled at me, leaning forward. My mother placing her hand on his shoulder.

"Grisha-"  
Her voice cracked, but she wasn't able to finish her sentence before he brushed her hand off.

"Don't!"

He turned to her and screamed. I froze.

"Who have you been going out with?! Who have you been spending your nights with?! Why have I been told you were seen exiting a gay club?! What's going on, son?!"

He stood up, slamming his fist on the table once again. My mother stood as well trying to restrain him, from- attacking me. I opened my mouth but couldn't speak. I felt tears building up in my eyes. My worst fear came true. It was happening right now. I was about to tell them; everything.  
I stood up as well, breathing in and out gently. I gathered up as much courage as I could master and faced my infuriated father. I wasn't going to cry. No. Not this time. 

"I'm sorry I lied dad; mom."

I turned to my mother as well, relieved to see a reassuring smile on her face, tears gathered in her eyes. She already knew. I could tell from the way she would look at me lovingly even though she knew I was lying. I could tell by the way she would smile warmly at me when I would return. I could tell by her accepting touch; her gentle voice. My mother knew. 

"I'm sorry that I've been slacking off; being lazy...but things haven't been as easy for me as you may think. I'm terrified right now, and I realized that I've always been; and it's been holding me back. I'm sorry if I'm about to disappoint you, but-"

I bit my lip, trying to stop the tears from falling down. My fathers facial expression turned from fury to plain fear. He was terrified of hearing the words that were about to come out of my mouth. He probably knew as well; chose to block it out; deny it. 

"I don't want to let fear hold me back anymore so; I want to tell you the truth. I'm-"

I couldn't breath. Everything was frozen. Nobody was moving.

"I'm in love with a man."

I said, looking straight into my fathers now widened eyes.

"I'm gay."

I continued. My parents didn't move, nor did they say anything.

"I'm sorry for disappointing you; I'm sorry for- not being who you'd want me to be, but-"

I hiccuped, not managing to contain my tears anymore.

"I can't change who I am. I'm sorry."

I finished. I wasn't going to say anything else. Feeling like a weight was lifted of my shoulders, I felt content. Their reply wasn't something that concerned me anymore. I was happy with myself; proud with myself and didn't mind feeling the pain of losing the people that didn't want to accept me. Time froze for what seemed like an eternity. There was complete silence, nobody speaking. My father finally breaks it with the sound of him sitting down on his chair, a broken, defeated look on his face as he stared at his half-finished food. My mother let go of his hand, tears going down her face; a small smile painting her lips. She walked around the table; and reached out for my trembling body. I accepted her embrace wholeheartedly, my silent cries turning into loud sobs as I buried my face in her shoulder.

"You haven't disappointed me."

She whispered in my ear, her arms around me tight.

"I'm proud of you, baby."She said.  
I couldn't say anything in that moment. I couldn't bring myself to look her in the eyes and thank her, but I was so grateful she accepted me. So happy I could be myself around her. We stayed in right embrace for what felt like an eternity; I just didn't want to let go. I just couldn't let go. Suddenly, to my surprise, I felt a second pair of arms wrap around us both. I couldn't contain my loud cries when I realized my father was holding the both of us in his embrace. He placed a gentle kiss at the top of my head.

"You're still my son."

His voice trembled.

"No matter what."

* * *

"You seem different today."

You said gently as your finger trailed it's way down my jawline. I smiled and snuggled closer to you. Skin on skin; naked; it was warm and comfortable under your covers. We were slightly sweaty after an amazing session of oral sex; I was still high of my orgasms, still hungry for you, still aching for you.

"In what way?"  
I whispered teasingly, biting your earlobe gently. You bit your lip and pulled my chin into a gentle kiss. Your mouth moved tenderly against mine and I moaned into the kiss. I placed my hand on the side of your neck and pulled you closer, getting on top of you, straddling you.  
I loved doing that.  
You broke the kiss; your hands going down my neck, to my chest, to my hips, my thighs, resting on my ass cheeks where you squeezed with force. I breathed in gently at the sensation.

"You seem..."

You said huskily against my lips

"Calmer."

I smiled before pressing my lips against yours, you accepting them wholeheartedly. I deepened the kiss, my hands tracing your side abs, down to your v-line, to rub against your growing erection. Your skin warm, soft and gentle like silk against my fingertips.

God, I want you.

"Mm."

You moaned in the kiss, sending vibrations throughout my whole body. I grinded against you slowly and teasingly, my arms hooked around your neck, our foreheads touching; our eyes locked into a dangerous gaze. You arms start shaking as your nails dig into my skin; our erections rubbing against each other. Your hands moved to cup my waist; moving me back and forth in sync with my thrusts. You moved your hips upwards to get better friction; I was painfully hard all over again; and God; I needed you so bad I'd die. My head fell backwards; my moans filing the room as our members slid against each other; pre-cum making it hot and moist. So fucking dirty I could die. I gasped when you grabbed my by the back of my hair pulling me closer; spitting the words like venom against my lips.

''I want you''

Your half hooded eyes intimidating as ever; every time you gave me that look- that look before you made me a moaning mess; before you made me forget my name and shake uncontrollably cumming over and over for you; crying out your name. My breath hitched as your other hand slid down my back, making its way between my cheeks. I bit my lip and bucked backwards wanting you to enter me desperately. I whined when your finger began teasing my hole; rubbing gentle circles around it. You licked your lips before speaking again.

''Tell me what you want.''

Your voice husky, your muscles tensing as you held me tight; stopping my movements completely. I bit my lip.

''You know what I want.''

I said in between pants. You tightened your jaw, before yanking my hair back, causing me to shriek in pain; but it fucking got me going. I smirked when I heard you growl the words.

''I asked you a question.''

Your eyes narrowed and you bit your lip before you sat up, pulling my hair to make me face upwards. My body was all curled up on top of you; your finger still teasing my hole; your lips against my neck as you waited for me to speak. It hurt. But it was exactly how I wanted it.

''I want your cock.''

I dared to say with a needy frown, my erection painful; leaking precum; my hole soaking wet for you. You bit my neck and I hissed.

''Mm you're so greedy, baby.''

You growled against my neck as you pulled on my strands of hair; two fingers entering me without warning. My eyes widened as I cried out.

''Ah! Hm-''

You let go of my hair to cover my mouth; pulling my head back down to face you; my watery eyes locked with your piercing silver-grey gaze and I shivered- my cock twitching at the sight. Our foreheads touched as you began thrusting your fingers inside of me violently; my moans and cries being blocked by your palm. You bit your lip hard enough to draw blood.

''What's that look for? Hm?''

You spoke with a low growl, your eyes sharp as if you were focusing on hunting down your prey; you curled your fingers inside of me making me jump and shriek; my eyes began to water.

''What's that dirty fucking look on your face?''

You spoke again, your erotic voice causing tingles throughout my entire lower area; but I couldn't reply; you begin thrusting your fingers inside me again more vigorously, my eyes beginning to roll back when you found my prostate. I moaned out loud and bit on your hand hard without realizing, lost in deep lust and desire.

''Ah! You fucking-''

You moved your hand from my mouth releasing my suppressed moans; and put your fingers around my neck; your thumb pushed against my jaw; your nails digging in my skin.

''Whore.''

You spat against my moaning lips; your furious orbs locking with my half-hooded wet eyes, making a wave of pleasure go through me as I hear the word. You kept thrusting hard, adding a third finger, making me want to fall forwards; gasp for air; but you dominantly held me in place.

''Take it.''

You growled out as my face turned into a needy frown; my cries filling the room- my cock twitching against yours; I was so close. I hiccuped in high pitched intakes of breath.

''Daddy''

I cried out as my fingers wrapped around the base of my cock; trying to stop myself from cumming. You smirked, biting your lower lip, your movements becoming even more vigorous.

''Take it like a good boy. Keep begging me with those eyes and I swear I'm going to fucking-''

Your voice raspy and low as you spat the words at me; your fingers curling deep inside me; stimulating my prostate over and over. I hiccuped, tears going down my widened eyes; my head hangs back as you slowed your thrusts, now ramming into me with full force.

''Ruin you.''

Thrust.

''Fucking-''

Thrust.

''Destroy you.''

Thrust.

''Yeah?''

You hissed out as your pace quickened again, my body trembling; twitching with every thrust, I fucking loved it; I was starting to lose sanity; my neediness getting the better of me; my dignity thrown out the window.

''Yes''

I said in between shrieks and moans.

''Mm-I want you t-''

My eyes began rolling back as my orgasm began to climax.

''F-fuck me''

I managed to say in broken syllables as you kept fucking me with your fingers mercilessly. My head began to fall back before you placed your hand behind it, pulling me into a sloppy wet kiss. My eyes closed and I deepened the kiss, my hand moving from my cock to yours; beginning to stroke it up and down in sync with your fingers. You moaned into the kiss and you leaked pre-cum all over my hand. Fuck- you were close too. You broke the kiss and looked into my half-hooded watery eyes; our lips touching as you spoke.

''You gonna cum for me''

Your thumb on my lower lip, you licked and bit it gently, breathing the words against it teasingly.

''Huh, baby?''

Your deep growl sending shivers down my spine; I nodded, tears going down my eyes, unable to hold it anymore.

''Yes! Mh-yes!''

I cried out as your fingers thrust inside me one last time; your lips hanging open against my moaning, wet ones as I came all over you untouched; your eyes turning into a needy frown as you watch me cum; my hand moving more vigorously against your throbbing length as I bucked back in forth riding out my orgasm. That's when I felt you twitch and scream out.

''Oh, fuck- Eren''

My name dripping down your lips as white shot out of you and onto my hand and abs; your body twitching under me; your nails digging into my skin as you came for me; so fucking perfectly. My mind spinning and my body tingling from my high, I wrap my arms around your neck and kiss you deeply. You accept, opening your mouth and titling your head, deepening the kiss; moaning.

"Levi"

I broke the kiss for a moment to speak, before you pressed your lips against mine once again; your arms hooked around my waist, holding me tight. I break the kiss again, placing my palms on your cheeks, our eyes meet in a loving gaze. I wondered in moments like these; how did you feel? What were you thinking? Do you love me the way I love you? Do you need me as much as I need you? The thoughts were flooding y head; thoughts of whether or not you've been seeing other people. Thoughts of whether or not we could call this a relationship. I decided to speak up.

"Have you been with anyone else?"

My mouth opened before I could process the words I said; but this question had always been on my mind. Knowing that we never went all the way together, I wondered if you missed it, I wondered if I wasn't enough; after all; was this still just casual dating for you? You frowned questionably, your tight hook around my waist loosening slightly.

"What?"

You asked, your eyes narrowing slightly. I lowered my gaze in shame. Did I have the right to ask you this? I wanted you to be mine so desperately, but was I crossing the line? I wanted things between us to be official, especially now that my parents and friends knew about my sexual preference. I wanted to tell everyone how much I loved you; show everyone that I don't care what they think. There was no reason to hide anymore. I wanted us to be together. For real.

"I'd like to know."

My voice was low when I spoke. Silence. I saw you frown slightly, your lip twitched and you sighed. It seemed as if you were trying to hold back from saying something. I panicked. Was I completely disillusioned? Had you been seeing other guys?  
You sat back, unhooking your arms to place them on the bed to support yourself as you leaned back to put more space between us.  
_Oh, fuck_. I wasn't looking forward to hearing this reply. I'm so stupid. Why would I ask something like this?

"How is this any of your business?"

My heart cracked at the sound of your cold words. The contrast between how affectionate you were just a moment ago, and how insensitive you were being right now, completely broke me. Unable to control my shock I spoke without thinking.

"So you won't even consider fucking me, but you've been fucking a bunch of other guys behind my back?"

Your eyes snapped at me when you heard my words. Your jaw clenched, you opened your mouth to speak but the words didn't come out.  
Pain.  
Pain shooting through my body like daggers. I trembled and bit my lip at the realization that this wasn't what I thought it was. You weren't what I thought you were. I couldn't even cry because my voice was lost. I couldn't even move because my body was numb. I have to go. I have to get out of here. I moved away from you, slowly gathering strength to get off the bed and leave. This again. This heavy, dark weight. This void spreading throughout my whole body.

"I haven't."

My eyes snapped at you at once you spoke, the tears I was holding back making their way down my face.

"I haven't been with anyone- ever since that night I brought you home 4 months ago. I haven't been able to touch anyone or even look at anyone else. I'm-"

You paused for a moment, our eyes locked. You smiled gently when you saw that tears going down my face. You moved closer to me, cupped my cheek; wiping my tears with your thumb.

"You're so silly. When would I anyway? We're together all the time. We spend weekends together, you come over after I return from the club. Don't you think I'd tell you I'm busy if I wanted to get laid?"

You chuckled gently, caressing my cheeks with your thumbs; you leaned in to give me a gentle kiss; and I shut my eyes closed in relief. I sniffled like a child, unable to stop crying.

"I haven't either."

I said breaking the kiss.

"I only want you- and-"

I hesitated finishing my sentence but I pushed myself to say what I wanted. I had to do it.

"I don't like the idea of you being with someone other than me."

I said quietly. I looked up to see your reaction. You frowned sadly and sighed.

"Don't say that."

You spoke, biting your lip at the end of your sentence. "You shouldn't restrict yourself by being only with me."  
I frown at the sound of your words; my voice raising higher than I planed.

"I'm restricting myself when I'm not with you! It's been months, Levi I'm in love with you, I want more than just casual!"

You paused, breathing in and out a few times, before placing your hands on my shoulders. Your eyes giving me the most loving look, but you seemed as if you were in so much pain.

"I love being with you, you mean a lot to me; but this will end one day."

My heart sinking at your words; my chest cracking.  
"You'll find someone who can give you everything I can't, and it'll be over. I'll be hurt- and it will suck- but I want you to be happy. Stop demanding so much of me- demanding so much when I can't give you a thing."

I shook my head, unable to process the words coming out of your mouth. How could you say that? I brushed your hands off my shoulder before I snapped back at you.

"You're fucking everything to me..."

My mind beginning to blur, my chest heavy as I spoke; I needed this weight lifted of me. You frowned and your lips twitched again, I thought I saw tears gather in your eyes but you shut them, shaking your head from left to right.

"Eren-"

You tried to speak but I cut you off.

"Stop! Just let me-"  
I hiccuped wiping my tears quickly, before breathing in to speak.  
"Just let me say this to you..."

You froze, your eyes looking straight into mine; there was no escaping what I was about to say. There was nothing you could do; nothing you could say; to change the way I felt about you or delay my confession any further.

"You don't know how much you mean to me, I-"  
"No! Stop! Stop! Stop it!!"  
You practically screamed cutting me off before I could finally confess to you. Your eyes red, begging me to stop; tears gathering; you were shaking; your chest going up and down as you hyperventilated. I froze; unable to say a word, at the sight of your serious expression. You looked completely broken; it terrified me.

"I'm a fucking junkie... I'm a fucking loser Eren! You know how low I've stooped for drugs? You know how many people have fucked me?"

You said; your voice cracking, your lips curving into a sarcastic smile; you hiccuped and sniffled, wiping your nose with the back of your hand.

"Levi... please stop-"  
Unable to process what you were saying, I didn't want to hear the rest of it.

"You know how many have used me as a fucking cum dumpster?"

You cracked; your face distorted as you spoke.

"Levi-"

"No! You need to know who you're saying this to! You need to know what you're doing!"  
You screamed, cutting me off, slamming your fist against the mattress. My eyes widened in shock; unable to react to your sudden tantrum.

"I let them do all kinds of shit to me. I've sold myself, you understand?"

You continued speaking, rocking back and forth; staring down into the mattress; a pained; disturbed expression on your face; my blood run cold inside my veins.

"I let them do it for drugs... money. I let them tie me up and take turns on me. I let them ride me for hours until they came all over me. I let them whip me- I let them-"

You sobbed.

"I let them hit me- I- let them r-rape me while I screamed."

Your eyes rose up to meet mine. In that moment I saw all the pain you had been keeping deep within you. Your eyes screaming for help as they stared into me; reddened and scarred. I wanted to hold you; tell you everything was going to be okay, but I knew there was nothing I could possibly do to make this kind of pain go away. It hurt me so much to see you in this state. I couldn't even breath.

"I let people use me- I bled for all that money; all those drugs- I was; I still fucking am- an addicted whore."

_That's not what you are._

"All I've got is this rotten body which won't last too long so-"  
You sat up; composing yourself, looking away; a defeated look on your face as if you were certain I was going to leave you.  
"You deserve better than this Eren."  
You said. And you waited. Waited for me to run away. _Didn't you?_  
Deep down I've always known you were keeping dark secrets from your past; I've always known something was haunting you- you were always afraid to touch me- afraid to kiss me- love me. But I wasn't afraid. Not for a single moment was I afraid to fall for you; I wanted you and all of your scars; all of your secrets; all of your pain. I just-

"I love you."

The words finally managed to escape my mouth. I didn't move, my eyes were glued to your shocked expression, the tears that were going down your face; your trembling fingers and the look of painful relief on your face.

"What?"

You whispered. I leaned in closer to you; placing my hand on yours over the mattress.

"I love you. Don't you know that?"

I asked, my voice cracking as I couldn't contain my emotion and the joy of finally letting you know how I felt about you. You wrapped your head in your arms; as if you didn't want to believe it; didn't want to accept it- but I was going to keep saying it over and over until you did.

"I want to kill whoever's done these things to you... but I don't care about your past; I don't care what you've done or who you've been with. All I care about is making sure you never feel pain again..."

I said, gently placing my palm around the back of your neck. You sobbed quietly.  
"Eren-"

"Levi, I love you so much. I'll show you- I promise."  
I placed a gentle kiss at the top of your head as you began to cry in sobs; I hooked my arms around you and held you tight against my chest; afraid you'll fall apart if I didn't.

"Please don't cry."  
I whispered gently.

"What's wrong with you? Huh?"  
You almost choked out, looking at me through swollen, wet eyes. Your hands grabbed on my forearms; held on tight. I will never forget that look on your face; the look of deep sadness; but pure; plain relief. I shook my head left to right, smiled as best I could, my tears began rolling down. I cupped your face, gently pressing our foreheads together. I felt warm; I felt safe- happy. I waited so long to finally say it to you, finally tell you, let you know just how important you are to me.

"There's nothing wrong with me, baby."

I whispered, closing my eyes; feeling the warmth of your breath; the heat of your skin- your loud heartbeat.

"I just love you so much."

You sobbed at the end of my sentence; your palms grabbing onto my neck; your thumbs against my cheeks. You pressed your warm lips against mine- and it was the most passionate kiss we'd ever had. You poured your entire soul into it, the weight of your body; the pain in your heart- and I embraced every bit; opening my mouth; deepening the kiss; tasting every part of you; every broken piece of you that I loved so much. I tasted the saltiness of your tears as I broke the kiss to press my lips against your cheeks tenderly.

"You're too good to me- too fucking good to me."

I heard you whisper as I kissed my way from your cheek to your neck; I felt you shiver, leaning into my kisses, letting yourself fall apart in my arms. This was real. You. Us. This was real; and it was far from casual; far from shallow- it was a deep connection; genuine- honest; and something neither of us could deny anymore.

_I'll always be good to you._

Always.


	13. Everything Is Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This chapter is slightly shorter but I promise to update again in a couple days! I just wanted to make sure to leave you with a little something at least while you wait for a proper chapter to come up ｡◕‿‿◕｡  
> It will start off a little rough (warning: mentions of rape), but it will end with a very sweet aftertaste! Hope you enjoy and as always please feel free to leave me comments and feedback, positive or negative!   
> Love every single one of you, thank you so much for clicking onto this and reading my work!  
>  ♥‿♥

_''Hold him down.''_

_The pavement scraped my skin as my face was pressed down against it. I tried to ignore the sharp pain between my legs. I shut my eyes tight in hope it would be over soon. I wasn’t sure how long I had been there. Was it hours? Was it days?_

_‘’Arch your back like a good bitch.’’_

_I heard the scumbag whisper in my ear before he forced himself in me violently. I did not make a sound; biting my lip through the pain, I felt the irony taste in my mouth. My knees shook, I was fighting hard not to let them slip._

_‘’Arch your back or you’re not getting your dope.’’_

_The asshole held my head down, leaned over me; my stomach turned at the sound of his filthy voice. I tightened my fists and clenched my jaw in disgust. I deserved this. I asked for it. I needed a hit._

_I deserve it._

_I arch my back just as I was told, tears begin to gather in my lifeless eyes. I can feel his filthy hands on my skin. How many of them had taken turns on me by now? Is it five? Ten? How many of them are left?_

_‘’I don’t like fucking a corpse. Moan for me, bitch.’’_

_He smacked me hard at my lower back and I winced at the pain; but I didn’t react. I could do with many things, but I was not about to act as if I was enjoying getting gang rapped._

_‘’What’s the matter?’’_

_I heard one of the others approach, I barely open my eyes with whatever energy I had left in me to recognise that it was Zeke; a cigarette in his hand. He kneeled in front of me, his knee barely a centimetre away from my face. He reached his hand over yanking me by the hair. I heard the other guys laugh. He lifted my head forcing me to meet him eye to eye._

_‘’What happened? You don’t like it?’’_

_He asked calmly. I swallowed, not able to make a single sound; barely able to keep my eyes open. Blood was going down my thighs, I could feel the scratches on my skin, the bite wounds on my neck, the pain in my busted lip._

_‘’Cat got your tongue?’’_

_I shivered, cold, naked in that dark alley in the middle of the night, barely alive or conscious, I couldn’t react._

_‘’Need help with that?’’_

_He reached over me, I couldn’t make out what he was doing. My eyes began to droop closed, before they widen in response to the intense pain I left at the skin of my lower back. The sound of his cigarette being put out in combination with the sound of faint laughter made my eyes roll back in hopelessness._

_I screamed._

My eyes shoot open. I can’t breathe. I blink in panic. Where am I? What’s going on?

I feel my stomach turn at the vivid memories I had just seen in my sleep, I feel the bile making it’s way up my oesophagus. I gag; shoving away the hand that was drooped over my torso. I feel the body next to me shift as it was interrupted from it’s sleep. _I’m scared._

‘’Levi?’’

I hear a hoarse, scratchy voice. I sit up in fear, afraid, scared. I wanted to be alone, alone and locked up where I’m safe. Where no one can hurt me. I began to gag violently, wasting no time to lift the covers off my naked body to run to the bathroom. I barely made it to lift the toilet seat before my guts came rushing out of me violently. I barely shrieked in pain between the vicious contractions of my throat and stomach. Cold sweat going down my forehead, my hands and legs trembling aggressively, chest going up and down forcefully. I needed to breath, but my body was not allowing me to, my mind was not allowing me to, I couldn’t get away; I couldn’t get away from that horrible nightmare; I could still feel their disgusting hands on me; their filthy mouths; their revolting breath-

‘’Hey.’’

There was a shadow above me, a dark shadow with a soft voice. Was it going to hurt me? Was it going to force itself on me?

_I’m scared._

Unable to move, my fingers tightened around the cold toilet seat, I whined in terror. I hear the sound of the flush, the water running, washing away my disgusting mess. The shadow leans over me, I feel a warm hand at the skin of my back. My eyes widen in shock. I scream at the top of my lungs.

‘’Don’t fucking touch me!’’

My ears are ringing. My eyes are blacking out. I can’t hear anything. I can’t see anything. I feel cold shivers starting at the heals of my feet, my blood running ice cold. I begin shivering, I can’t look. I can’t look. I’m scared. Not again. Not this again. Not this again. Not this. Anything but this. The hand is removed from my skin, the shadow is backing away.

‘’P-Please don’t hurt me!’’

I shut my eyes tight.

‘’Everything is okay, everything is okay, everything is okay’’

I whisper the words to myself, before I feel another vicious stomach contraction. I feel a sharp, burning pain in my throat as the acidic content makes it’s way out of my mouth. I cry desperately; I want to die; I want this to be over. I want this to be over. I can feel their eyes staring. I can feel them getting ready to tear me apart.

_Won’t someone say something?_

I can hear people laughing, I can feel their satisfaction being fed through my pain.

_Won’t someone stop them?_

They laugh at me; how pathetic I am, how helpless I am. How useless and dirty I am. Nobody wants to help. There’s no point in helping. I’m a lost cause.

_Won’t someone save me?_

‘’Come back to me.’’

I can hear a soft voice between the laughter. Whose voice is that?

‘’Levi, please come back to me.’’

It’s louder now. Who is it? It sounds so familiar, it sounds so soothing.

‘’I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.’’

That’s nice. That sounds nice.

‘’I won’t hurt you. Look at me.’’

Should I open my eyes now?

‘’Please, just open your eyes my love.’’

Your love? But I’m a bitch; I’m a whore, why’re you being kind to me?

‘’It’s me. It’s Eren.’’

Mm, that sounds familiar… what’s this scent? What’s this sweet scent? It makes me feel warm, safe; it smells like home.

‘’Your Eren.’’

My Eren. The laughter begins to die down. The dark figured hovering over me are starting to clear out. There is a slim silhouette leaning over me, it’s giving off a sweet scent, it’s protecting me. Yes. It’s you; I remember you. I remember now, that beautiful pair of green- turquoise. So beautiful and kind. Sweet and gentle. So lovely. Not like them. Not you.

‘’You’re safe. Open your eyes and look at me.’’

Can I open them now? Is it safe? Did you scare them away? They won’t hurt me?

‘’It’s just you and me.’’

Just you and me? Okay. _Okay._ I open my eyes slowly. It is blurry at first, I can see a faint figure in front of me, I blink a few times before eyes focused and my ears stop ringing. Raging breaths are still forcing themselves out my chest. I see a pair of bright teary eyes looking straight at me; a warm smile, an angelic face. Heaven?

‘’Hey, hey.’’

You carefully place your palm against my face, leaning slightly closer.

‘’Eren?’’

I whisper, no energy left me, no power left in me, no fight, no will.

‘’Yes, it’s me.’’ You breath out before leaning closer to me, your arm hooks around my waist gently.

‘’Eren, they’re coming after me.’’

I whisper in panic, my eyes scanning the room from left to right. I’m scared.

‘’Who? Who’s coming after you?’’

You tilt your head in worry, trying to make out what I was saying. I hyperventilate.

‘’They’re going to find me. T-They’re going to kill me.’’

My hands begin to shake in fear again, I’m losing touch again. I feel a pair of warmth cupping my trembling palms. You pull me into a tight embrace, and I find myself sighing into the warmth of your skin.

‘’No one is going to harm you. You’re safe. You’re here with me. I won’t let anyone hurt you, I won’t let anyone touch you. I swear.’’

You rocked me back and forth gently, your palm at the back of my head as I began to weep disgustingly. I clung on to you like a baby bird, afraid that if I let go, I would die. It felt soothing, the warmth, the sweet smell and the velvet sound of your voice, but it wasn’t enough. We stayed that way for a little while, you kept repeating that I was safe, that you’d protect me, that nobody would harm me, and I chose to trust in those words. Soon enough, I began to calm. I began to snap back into reality, realizing what had just happened, feeling ashamed and embarrassed, feeling useless and hopeless, I gently pull myself out of your tight hold.

‘’Are you okay?’’

You gently brushed the hair off my forehead, leaning down to meet my lowered eyes. What could I say? How could I even begin to explain to you what had just happened, how could I excuse myself for going into a terror attack because of a nightmare?

‘’I’m so sorry about this, Eren.’’

I sighed out, bringing my head to my hands, rubbing at the skin. You rubbed soothing circles on my back. ‘’First, let’s get off the floor and get you back to bed, okay?’’

I nodded, holding on to your forearms to stand to my feet. I leaned over the sink to wash off the disgusting taste of vomit out of my mouth. I threw some cold water on my face in hopes it would help clear my head. You wasted no time before you handed me a towel with a sweet smile on your face. I wiped myself clean and couldn’t help but smile weakly when I took your offered hand leading me back to the bedroom. I see the alarm clock showing 4:09 am before I lay down on my back, my elbow drooped over my eyes, I feel so ashamed I can’t even speak. I can feel you laying on your side towards me, your hand going up and down my chest soothingly.

‘’Jesus, I’m so sorry. I had a nightmare, and it triggered this entire episode I just had. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I didn’t think it would happen, I never get bad ones when you’re sleeping next to me, but I think our talk yesterday triggered some memories. I- You must think I'm fucking crazy-‘’

I felt my stomach turn again at the thought and I sat up abruptly. You sat up with me, your arm around me, your elbow resting on my shoulder as you pulled my head to the crook of your neck gently. ''No, my love.'' You leaned you head over mine, kissing my forehead lovingly. I closed my eyes at the comforting touch.

‘’I need to wait for my stomach to settle, and then I need to take a Zanax or I’m going to keep getting terror attacks all day.’’

You nodded sympathetically before you tenderly pulled me back down on the mattress. I fell back with you and I snuggled into your arms.

‘’Okay. Is this something that happens often?’’

You spoke softly, as if afraid you could scare me, your movements were slow as you ran your hand up and down my arm comfortingly. I hated that you were put into this position. I hated that I made you feel like you had to act a certain way around me.

‘’I don’t remember the last time I slept through an entire night. But most nights are not as bad as this. Usually, I wake up in the middle and go out for a smoke or two to calm myself down. Then I return to bed and sleep until early morning. Other nights I get terrible nightmares and terror attacks. See, this is one of the things I’m trying to shield you from. You’re starting to see just how fucked up I am.’’

I spoke against the skin of your chest. I felt so small. I felt so broken and turned around. There was nothing that could be done for me, nothing that could fix me, I was a lost cause.

‘’You don’t have to shield me from anything, baby. And you don't have to apologize. Nothing can turn me away from you.’’

I closed my eyes through the tears that gathered there and swallowed before I spoke.

‘’If you weren’t here right now, you know what I’d be doing?’’

You paused for a moment. You breathed in before you spoke. ‘’What?’’

‘’Shooting up until I pass out.’’

I said, almost a laugh making its way up my throat at how pitiful I was. Your arms tightened slightly around me.

‘’I wouldn’t let you.’’ Your tone sounded angry, deeper that before.

‘’I know. That’s why I’m not even going to try, but you still need to know that’s what I’m thinking about right now. You need to understand how my mind works.’’

I said pulling away, swallowing gently before I closed my eyes, the Xanax pill I had just retrieved from my bed side was inside my mouth, I washed it down with a gulp of water.

‘’This is why I’m not right for you. You understand?’’

I almost whispered, feeling your eyes glued to me, my gaze fixed down on the tremble of my legs. I looked over to you, and for the first time I really couldn’t read your blank expression. You shrugged, propping yourself on your elbow as you nodded, your hand lifting up the overs of the bed.

‘’The only thing I understand is that you need to get some sleep, so get over here.’’

* * *

‘’Levi, it's time to wake up.’’

I shifted in my sleep, a soft voice calling out to me; a warm hand brushing the dark hair from my forehead, the smell of freshly made food tickling my nostrils. I slowly fluttered my eyes open.

‘’Good morning, sunshine.’’

I saw your gorgeous eyes staring back at me, a bright smile directed towards me, as if not a single thing had taken place last night; as if you had not spent the entire night taking care of me, running after me, worrying because of me; as if I hadn't been a total nuisance, as if I wasn't completely crazy.

‘’What's this?’’

I gestured at the plate of scrambled eggs and toast presented in front of me. It was the first time in a long time that someone had pleasantly awakened me. Frankly, it had been the first time in many years that I had woken up to a plate of warm food waiting for me.

‘’Eat up, baby. We're going out today.’’

EREN POV

‘’Come on! Hurry up!’’

I breathed in the fresh air and smiled. I make my way up the path I found with excitement. It had been so long since I had gone hiking; and after what happened yesterday, I thought going out into nature would be a great alternative to staying holed up at home all day. I thought it would be pleasant and refreshing for you.

‘’Oi, you shitty brat.’’

I was clearly mistaken.

‘’First you force me to come up this shitty mountain’’

An irritated tone apparent in the low voice I heard behind me.

‘’Then you load me up with everything like a fucking donkey’’

I tried to hold in my laugh and couldn’t help but snort at the annoyed sound of your voice.

‘’And now you’re complaining about me being slow.’’

I ceased my movements and waited patiently for you to catch up. I was unable to hold in my laughter when I saw your sweaty, reddened face as you approached. Your eyebrows were furrowed together, and you were panting like a dog; your hands holding on to the straps of the backpack which contained everything I had prepared for our small hiking trip.

‘’It’s not my fault you have the genes of a fucking goat.’’

You spat. I rested my hands on my knees finding it very hard to breath. My laughter was becoming uncontrollable.

‘’Oh yes. Please. Oh, how fucking hilarious. I am so glad I entertain you.’’

You rolled your eyes and walked ahead of me, your panting continuing as you paced faster towards the inclined surface of the path. A tree branch smacked you in the face as you walked, and you cursed. I thought I could easily pee myself with laughter; unable to control it in the least.

‘’Tsk, these big ass fucking trees-’’

You mumbled under your breath in annoyance. ‘’Are you coming are you going to shit your pants with laughter?’’

I breathed in sharply before laughing out loud once again. It took all the willpower I had in me to wipe the tears of hilarity away from my eyes and follow behind you.

‘’Oh- Oh-‘’

I was finding it so hard to form a sentence without cracking up, just the sight of you walking angrily ahead of me enough to make roll on the ground.

‘’You offered to carry the backpack, didn’t you?’’

I said with a strained voice, now reaching closer behind you. You sighed and huffed. ‘’Shitty brat.’’ I wrapped an arm around your shoulder and pulled you in to place a hard kiss against your reddened cheek. You exhaled in annoyance and rolled your eyes once again.

‘’This is a good place to set everything up.’’

We reached a grass covered flat surface after a while, high enough for a great view, no trees blocking the picture. I opened the backpack on your back to pull out a blanket and set it on the ground for us to sit.

‘’God, there’s probably sheep piss all over that grass, Eren.’’

You spoke in disgust and I couldn’t help but chuckle. ‘’That’s why we are setting the blanket, love.’’

I heard you sigh before dropping the backpack on the blanket and following my movement as I sat down on the soft surface. I pulled out water bottles, sandwiches and your small radio. I twisted the antenna trying to get a good station, giving you a smile in the process. Once the station was set into a relaxing and calming tune, I removed my winter coat and stretched. The sun was out that day, and I leaned my head back slightly, enjoying the sensation of the sunrays on my skin.

I looked over my shoulder at the view of the city and the clear sky.

‘’Wasn’t it worth the hike for this pretty view?’’

I said, as I heard you shift out of your own coat, making yourself comfortable on the blanket. There was silence for a moment before our eyes met.

‘’Yes, definitely.’’ You said weakly; your eyes had softened, your lips were parted, and I had a feeling you weren’t looking at the view at all. The smile from my lips began to fade as you leaned closer to me, your lips met mine tenderly; my eyes closed instantly, and I found myself savouring a delicious kiss. ‘’Somewhere Tonight’’ by Beach House was playing on the radio and I couldn’t help but smile into the kiss. _How relatable._

‘’What are you grinning about, brat?’’

You mumbled against my lips before connecting them to yours once again. I gave you a couple pecks before pulling back to speak. ‘’I’m just happy.’’ And I was. Hooking my arms around your neck, I couldn’t help but feel joy and warmth bubbling up in my chest. You seemed happy as well, with a positive attitude; your smile was faint, but it was there; you may have been grumpy, but you were in the mood for banter; and for the first time in a while everything felt like it was okay. Everything felt like it was normal; and maybe even better than that. We laughed, we talked about random things, things that had nothing to do with reasons why we can’t be together, or the fact that there might be something wrong with us. We talked about our favourite things to do, what makes us happy, pleasant memories, hopes for the future, childhood dreams, summer, love, and the ocean. After we ate, drank, laughed and sang to random song lyrics played dimly on that old radio, we lay down on our backs side to side. I reached over hesitantly to intertwine my fingers with yours; and I smiled warmly when I felt yours grip tightly in return.

‘’Hey’’

I turned my head towards you at the sound of your voice, you were still facing forward, and it was the first time I could see your face so clearly. Your pale, smooth skin was glistering in the sunlight; your long eyelashes curling beautifully against that stunning grey with the bluish tint illuminated by the light. Your soft, pink lips parted, your defined jawline complimenting perfectly at the outline of your tempting neck.

‘’Thank you for bringing me here today.’’

I moved over to lay on my side facing you, my forehead touching your shoulder; you didn’t see it, but I smiled widely. ‘’Do you feel better?’’ My hand traced the muscles of your arm slowly and carefully, making sure to memorize the feeling of your soft skin under my fingertips. I closed my eyes, breathing in the scent of your detergent, mixed with the oxygen, fresh air, and the smell of grass.

‘’Haven’t felt this good in a while.’’

I leaned closer, to brush my lips against the shell of your ear; and I watched as your gorgeous eyes fluttered closed. My hand reached out to gently caress the skin of your chin, my thumb tracing the outline of your lower lip.

‘’I love you.’’

I whispered in your ear, watched for a moment as you shivered at my touch, exhaling gently at the sound of my sweet whisper; before I pull in your chin tenderly to tilt your head closer towards me; for our eyes to meet, and our lips to part against one another; for our breaths to mix together and for our foreheads to touch affectionately. Your hand moved to cup my face, before it travelled down my jaw, to my neck, tenderly, slowly, lovingly.

‘’You don’t know how happy you make me.’’

You breathed the words against my lips; our thighs tangled; our chests touched as we pulled closer to one another. I kissed at your chin, down to the side of your jaw and you sighed at the sensation. Your fingers massaging my scalp through my freshly washed hair; my heart beating fast against yours. My lips moving tenderly against yours; melting into the kiss without given enough time to put myself back together before I was pulled back into another one; and another one. After a little while we sighed against each other’s skin; and we relaxed in each other’s arms. We watched the sun set that evening; and it was lovely; it was peaceful and even for a single short-lived moment,

_Everything was okay._


	14. Take Me On This Desk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm sorry. Can you- can you repeat what you said, professor?"
> 
> I said, my cheeks burning red as my eyes met with yours. You gritted your teeth and swallowed, your fingertips exerting a great amount of pressure on the sheets, slightly creasing the paper.
> 
> "Don't look at me like that."
> 
> You said under your breath, almost like a growl.
> 
> "Not here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOOD DAY EVERYBODY!  
> I may have gotten a little carried away with the smut, but what can we do?🤷 I'm sure you guys don't mind that!😂  
> Thank you for the kudos and comments, please keep them coming, it makes my day! Love you and thank you!  
> Enjoy the smutty goodness! ^_^

"Did you finish your assignment?"  
Armin always had the best ways to welcome you to class each Monday morning.  
I sighed and smiled shaking my head.

"Sort of. I still need a few things to be pointed out. Have you?"

I said, a smirk forming on my face knowing you'd appear right in front of me as soon as the clock struck 10. It had been a few months, we were about to go on Easter break, the assignment deadlines were tomorrow; and of course I was not ready. 

"Yeah, I'm making the second draft. Do you need some help with it, Eren?"

Armin asked, kind as always. 

"It's alright, I'm going to ask Levi during his office hours today. Thank you, though."

I smirked at the thought, a look of plain horror imprinted on Armin's face.

"Oh."  
Is all he managed to say. 

''Hey!''

Connie, Jean and Mikasa made their way around the lecture desks. ''What's up?'' Jean's voice making me want to roll my eyes, as he wraps an arm around my neck, his other hand shuffling my hair around in a very annoying manner.

''Ah, fuck off!'' I push him off me with a huff, trying to ignore his cocky laughter. ''How's your assignments going?''

I ask, my eyes moving from one to the other. Mikasa sighs, pulling her laptop out of her bag. ''What? Now all of a sudden you give a shit about us?''

There was very spiteful and dark tone in her voice; her eyes refusing to meet mine as the smile on my face fades abruptly. 

''Hey, come on Mika. It's not his fault that our man found himself a cute little girlfriend!''

Connie nudged my side with his elbow playfully with a naughty wink. It wasn't enough to wipe the worry off my face at Mikasa's vengeful statement. It was true that I had been spending most of my free time with you, and it was true that I had probably swayed away from our group; but that definitely did not mean that I didn't care for them; it definitely didn't mean that I didn't love them. I looked over to Armin for support, but he gave me a sympathetic look with sorrowful blue eyes. I knew there was no way to explain myself. I wasn't ready to come out with the truth, and I didn't know how my childhood friends would react. I was afraid of losing them. 

''I care about you. You know that, right?''

I placed my palm on Mikasa's shoulder, offering her an apologetic look. She turned to me momentarily before shaking her head in disbelief. ''Don't bullshit a bullshitter, Eren.''

She spat out, opening her laptop and jerking her chin towards the writing board. You had arrived, and class was about to start. I bit my lip and shook my head, I didn't want to lose my friends; but I didn't want to lose you either. Would it come to a point where I would be forced to tell the truth?

''Dude, it's her birthday today.''

Jean whispered to me, with a jerk of his eyebrows. I almost gasped. How could I forget her birthday? My head snapped to Mikasa, and I offered a pair of apologetic eyes. ''Mika.''

''Just shut up and come to my party later on Friday. Don't you dare say you can't make it. I won't forgive you.'' She didn't turn towards me while she spoke, her eyes focused on the writing board. Of course, I had made plans to spend Friday night with you as I did every week, but I knew now that was out of the question. I nodded frantically and smiled even though I knew she couldn't see it; grateful that I would be given a second chance. I squeezed her hand under the desk, thanking her silently. She turned to me then, her eyes soften before she offered me a half smile. 

"Good morning."

Your strong voice echoing throughout the entire lecture room as you entered and placed your suit jacket on your chair. You left your briefcase under your desk, and pulled your sleeves up to your elbows exposing your gorgeous forearms.  
I licked my lips in anticipation, watching closely as you turned around to grab a piece of chalk, adjusting your glasses before you began writing today's topic on the black board. Your ass jiggled slightly as you wrote and I couldn't help but bite my lip, my thoughts of what a bad friend I was already making their way to the back of my head. 

"Alright, I hope most of you have finished your assignments by now. Deadline is tomorrow. If you've got any questions you can come to my office hours. For now, I'm going to get on with the lecture..."

Your words meaningless at this point echoing in my head as I scanned your body from head to toe. My eyes hungry as I stripped you from those formal clothes in my mind. Jean elbowed me in the ribs gently and I gasped, completely taken away from my fantasies of fucking you on your desk in front of everyone here.

"Are you drooling, Jaeger? Your said girlfriend is going to be mad."  
He whispered with a smirk. I rolled my eyes at his remark. I hadn't told anyone that I had a girlfriend. It was something that my group of friends had come up with, something they made p to excuse my sudden unavailability. ''I don't have a fucking girlfriend, horse face.'' I spat.  
You turned towards us abruptly, your eyes fixed on me when you heard the sound.

"Is there a problem, boys?"

Your tone was strict, your eyes serious as you stared into mine. I licked my lips gently, you looked too sexy; your serious look always made my lower regions tingle. Watching your lectures was getting more and more difficult by the minute. I tried to contain my smirk when I spoke, biting my lip.

"Not at all."

Your eyes had a faint glim and you almost grinned, fixed on me for a while longer. Your gaze traveled up and down my face.

"Settle down, then."

You said almost under your breath in a low growl; I was pretty sure only us sitting in the front row could hear that. I bit my lip seductively unable to contain how badly turned on I was by your command. I swallowed before speaking trying to reserve myself.

"Of course. We apologize."

I said obediently, knowing exactly what it'll do to you. Your eyes narrowed slightly as you stared into mine for a while longer, before you licked your lower lip almost biting it, clearing your throat and turning around to continue with the lecture. Armin turned to me with a questionable frown, his head moving left to right mouthing ''What are you doing'' at me. I shrugged at him; was that too obvious? Nobody else in the class seemed to make much of it, as you continued with the lecture.

"Does anybody know the main factors that resulted to the start of the Cold War?"

You seemed slightly taken back by what just happened, but at the same time completely unbothered as you spoke normally. I, on the other hand, was painfully hard under my desk, biting my lip and holding a tight grip on my pen as I wrote down notes. I wanted you. I wanted everyone in there to know that this gorgeous, charismatic man, was mine.  
But you weren't yet. Our relationship had grown since you told me about your past, and you seemed to trust me a bit more after I told you how I felt. We would spend plenty of time together, but you would still set your boundaries. You still wouldn't let go completely. You still wouldn't make love to me. You still believed that one day I would wake up and decide that you aren't good for me, and that I would leave you for someone else who was better than you. To me, this sounded absolutely absurd. My love for you would grow stronger and stronger every single day. You were everything to me. Things were starting to get more and more complicated; sometimes it would feel as if we would take a step forward; and take two steps backwards. I knew however, that no matter what, I would never give up on you. 

"Alright, that's all for now. If you've got any questions regarding the assignment you can come to my office."  
The end of the lecture came slowly. I wanted to surprise you today. I would never come to your office. I wanted to, but I didn't want to put either of us in an awkward situation. Today however, I actually wanted to ask you something about the assignment. I knew I had to wait till everyone had their turn so you were more relaxed and we could have more time.

''I heard the rumours are true. His dad killed someone, man.''

My ears picked up on a silent conversation taking place on the seats close to me as we waited outside the office. My head snapped towards them, l listened into the conversation eagerly. 

''That is so fucked up, dude. Like- can you imagine. It's fucking creepy if you ask me.'' It was the sly smile on the guys face that made me lose my patience. I knew this guy's deal pretty damn well after spending a few months in class with him. A group project confirmed it. His name was Floch, and he was nothing but a fuck up, loser of a kid living of his dad's money. 

''Hey.''

My loud voice captured their attention immediately as they turned to me.

''I wonder how you'd end up if something like that happened to you. What would you do if you didn't have daddy to take care of you?''

I smirked at him through hooded, challenging eyes. He was a fucking coward, I knew there was no way he'd have a swing at me.

''Huh?'' He narrowed his eyes at me as he stood up on his feet. I followed his movement immediately and approached him with no hesitation.

''What?'' I leaned into him, our noses almost touching. ''What are you going to do about it, huh?'' I whispered playfully, tilting my head at him. Blinded by my own fury, I was practically fuming. Floch backed away, his hands raising in defeat, he chuckled playfully. ''Jeez, dude chill out. I didn't mean anything by it, alright?''

* * *

I waited for about an hour and a half before everyone cleared and left. I hesitantly and slowly made my way to the office door and knocked gently.

"Office hours over, e-mail me if you've got any questions."

Your unbothered tone from the other side of the door made me smirk.

"I'm sure you can make an exception."

I spoke gently with a sly smile on my face. There was silence for a moment before you spoke again.

"Come in."

I pushed the door open, making sure to close and lock it behind me. Just in case. You shook your head at that. ''Don't even think about it.''  
You were sitting down going through some paper work, your glasses hanging low on your nose, your shirt unbuttoned at the top, you were truly a sight.

"Sit."  
You gesture towards the seat opposite you and I obliged. I put my bag down, taking some notes out and my draft of the assignment before facing you; patiently waiting for your gaze to turn towards me.  
You finally looked up at me, swallowing before you speak.  
"How can I help?"

Your tone was serious, and it made me strangely excited that you acted as if there was nothing between us in university facilities.

"I have a question about the assignment."

I spoke, my lips trembling slightly as I pushed my draft towards you, our fingers touching as you placed your palm over it to pull the paper sheets in front of you.  
You read through the first paragraph carefully, your jawline tightening, your fingertips gently going over the smooth paper. I bit my lips, unable to help the fact that you looked so stunning in that moment. My eyes traveling from your chin down to your neck, to your collarbones-

"What's the question?"

You spoke, your eyes still fixed on my paper. My lips trembled before I spoke.

"I-it's about the structure."

I said awkwardly.

"Introduction, main body, conclusion."

You answered gently, your eyes fluttering towards me and then back to the paper in an instant. I chuckled quietly.

"Mhm, I know that."

I leaned in closer.

"I was just wondering if the structure of my introduction is correct. For example, do I have to keep it plain and simple, or should I speak more in depth about my arguments?"

My voice was flowing gently, hard for me to focus when I had you in front of me like this. I could smell your cologne. You swallowed before you spoke.

"It's-"

You cleared your throat.

"It's good. It's lacking however."

Your eyes flicked up to meet mine again.

"You have to list your arguments one by one, without going in much depth about them, and then you need to explain how these arguments will aid in pursuing the conclusion of your assignment."

Your eyes travelled lower and lower as you spoke, from my eyes to my cheeks to my lips. I swallowed in anticipation, not being able to hear what you said.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't really follow."

I spoke nervously, my eyes fluttering and my fingers shaking.

"What's making it hard to follow?"

Your question was rude, but you spoke in an almost seductive tone, sending tingles down my spine. I shifted in my seat nervously. My lips parted as my breathing became more elevated. Your eyes watching my every move.

"I'm sorry. Can you- can you repeat what you said, professor?"

I said, my cheeks burning red as my eyes met with yours. You gritted your teeth and swallowed, your fingertips exerting a great amount of pressure on the sheets, slightly creasing the paper.

"Don't look at me like that."

You said under your breath, almost like a growl.

"Not here."

You spoke again, your eyes never leaving mine. My heartbeat became elevated, my breathing fast and my cock twitched in my pants. I frowned and bit my lip in effort to contain myself. I wanted you so bad.  
Would it be wrong if I jumped on you right now?

"It's your fault."

I dared to say. You eyes snapped at me. You tightened your jaw and I could see your chest going up and down as you breathed. You stood up and leaned in closer.

"Don't look at me with those eyes in here- or I'll-"

You got cut off when my eyes flicked towards you, captivating you a seductive, dangerous and lustful gaze. I couldn't help but lean in closer, our lips almost touching, the heat of our breaths mixing.

"Or what?"

I spoke against your lips, hungry, thirsty, so desperate for you. I gasped when you grabbed my jaw in an instant, pulling me closer making our foreheads touch. You breathed in and out like an animal in heat, your eyes projecting plain need and fury.

"Or I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

You whispered against my lips, your thumb making its way down my cheek to pull at my lower lip. I smirked closing my eyes enjoying the sensation.

"Mm thats so cruel, sir."

I said, leaning into your touch provocatively. You bit your lip and parted my lips, pushing down my lower lip with your thumb.

"Get out."

You said against my parted lips, yours only millimetres away. I opened my eyes to look at your furious ones. Your voice told me to leave but your body told me otherwise; held me so close- as if you would fall apart if I moved an inch.

"Let me go then."

I whispered sensually, breathing out upon your lips; the heat radiating on your skin burning with lust.

"That's enough."

You pushed me away gently; composing yourself; pushing your glasses up with your fingers; clearing your throat.

"If you're not going to behave, leave now, Eren. E-mail me your questions and I'll answer in detail."

Your tone was back to being completely strict, as if your body just a minute ago was someone else's. As if what I felt you wanted was all false. All a lie. I couldn't help but feel rejected and turned down. Couldn't help but feel hurt.

"I'm so stupid."

I whispered to myself while gathering my paper to put it in my bag with quick movements; accidentally having the paper slip through my fingers and on the floor.

"Shit."

I said before leaning down to grab it, my fingers trembling slightly, embarrassment going through my very being. I just wanted to leave.

"Hey."

I gasped when you spoke, standing up to grab my wrist with your palm. I stopped my movements to turn to you and yank my hand out of your hold.

"Eren."

Your tone seemed apologetic. As if you felt sorry for me. I mean, what exactly did I expect?

"It's fine."

I said as I closed my bag up, pulling the strap over my shoulder to make my way towards the door. I heard your footsteps behind me as you followed. When I tried to open the door I was surprised to see that you were pushing against it with your hand from behind me, your forearm almost touching my waist as I stood. I was ashamed to admit that it sent tingles through my entire body.

"It's fine, you're right, I'm going to go."

I tried to speak normally but failed when my trembling voice gave me away.

"I'm sorry. You waited so long. Let me help."

You spoke from behind me, your breath tickling the back of my ears. You stood a little bit closer.  
My forehead touched the door as I sighed in defeat. Why was I feeling so fucking emotional again? Why was I feeling like I want to cry?  
My hands curling tightly into fists as I clenched my jaw and frowned pain. I was ready to punch a guy to death for talking down to you. I was ready to give up my friends for you. I was ready to risk cutting ties with my family for you. I was ready to change everything for you; sacrifice everything just so I could be with you. 

"This means nothing to you."  
I said quietly, biting my lip. Tears building up at the realization that I wasn't speaking about the question related to the assignment.  
You paused for a moment. And I was certain you were going to ask what I was talking about.  
It hurt.  
It hurt that you could shrug me off so easily; the word "Leave" that could so easily trail off your tongue. It hurt that it was so easy for you, when every second I spent away from you was so difficult for me.

"Is that what you think?"

You said, taking a step closer, almost touching me; your body heat radiating on my skin. My eyes closed as I tried to stop the tears.

"You don't want me."

I smacked myself in the head for saying something so immature; sounding so insecure and so weak. You were probably mentally laughing at me. Making fun of how sensitive and delusional I was.  
Suddenly I felt your hand grip on the side of my waist as you pulled yourself closer to me.

"You think I don't want you?"

Your words breathy; lips touching my ear lobe, as you rolled your hips against my ass; trying to press your hard and painful erection against me. Your rested your forehead at my nape as you sighed, grinding against me sensually; showing me how ready you were for me.

"I can't stop thinking about you."

Your hands travelled up my shirt as your hips continued to roll.

"I want you. I want you all the time. I want to be next to you, on top of you, under you, _inside you_."

You spoke huskily against my skin.  
It would be fair to say that my entire body was trembling with arousal. Trembling so hard that I feared if I moved I would fall apart in your arms. I opened my mouth to speak but only a moan managed to escape from my lips.  
You pulled me around and pushed my back against the door. Your hand griping me by the neck, your thumb pressing against my jaw. We were both breathing into each others mouths, and I wanted to drink you up. I lifted my hand but only managed to grab onto your shirt to pull you even closer, biting my lip in frustration; before opening my mouth to pant; looking into your eyes- scared to make the move.  
You bit your lip and gritted your teeth before you devoured my parted lips in an instant. My eyes fluttered closed, my lips moved in sync with yours, my hands instantly wrapped around your neck, my fingers tangled in your hair, I was moaning into the kiss. I was waiting for this for so long; wanted to have you like this for so long; in your office, in your work clothes, with your glasses on. It was a fantasy of mine that I never imagined would become a reality.  
"You're going to get me fired."  
You breathed against my lips, breaking the kiss for a moment before diving back in. My hands travelled down your body, feeling the fabric of your shirt, making their way down to cup your ass through your trousers. You bit my lip and banged me against the door parting our lips. I panted and pushed you back as the pain shot through me. We were both breathing heavily as you stared into my eyes, a small frown forming as you pushed your glasses up in question of the space I put between us.

"You don't know what you do to me."

I managed to say between raged breaths. You bit your lip in frustration but stopped yourself from taking a step towards me.

"Oh yeah?"

You asked, your palms clenching into fists before reaching up to undo the first button of your shirt.

"Enlighten me."

Your words almost a whisper as you eyed me seductively, your fingertips gracefully undoing another button. I licked my lips, unable to stop my eyes from trailing the newly exposed skin of your chest.

"Y-you make me hate myself."

I said between gritted teeth and half closed eyes. Your chest going up and down as you kept undoing your buttons one by one, painfully slow. My eyes growing hungrier by the second.

"For needing you."

My voice turning into a growl as I begin to palm myself through my trousers without realizing.

"For wanting you."

I breathed heavily as my fingers made their way into my trousers.

"Keep going."

You said huskily, pulling your shirt undone exposing your toned torso and abdominals. I moaned gently at the sight.

"For loving you."

I said gently almost like a whisper, pulling my painfully hard cock out, stroking it steadily to stop myself from cumming.

"You make me-"

I hissed as my fingertips touched the tip and I got a glance of your hungry eyes scanning me dangerously.

"-want to die."

I whined gently as precum made its way down my shaft, my eyes still teary and my voice cracking. I was overwhelmed.  
By your glowing pale skin, your toned muscles glistening in the office lights, your ragged breathing, your parted lips and those piercing eyes behind those glasses; butchering their way deep into my soul. You backed up slowly until your body touched your desk. You stood there for a moment to catch your breath, your eyes never leaving mine, as you opened the front of your shirt, exposing your sunning upper figure.

"Don't say that."

You breathed out, your hand reaching down your trousers to violently palm down on your erection. I bit my lip hard at the sight, my hand holding at my base to stop me from climaxing.

"Take me on this desk."

I said. My voice shaky as I shivered at the thought.

Your breathing became more elevated as you eyed me, your hand clinging down on your cock desperately.

"Fuck"  
You cursed as you turned sharply to push everything on your desk out of the way. I watched in awe as papers, pens and other items fell to the floor with force.

"Get over here"  
You said, as your hands gripped the sides of the desk in frustration.

"Hurry."

You whispered, turning your head to invite me with the most erotic gaze I had ever seen in my life. I wasted no time before I clung to you, my lips managing to find yours as you flipped me onto the desk. I gasp at the sensation of the hard wood hitting my back.

''I want you, please-please''

I whimpered painfully as my hands fumbled at your trousers button and zipper desperately. You obliged, your hands more steady as they manage to free your erection. I waste no time before I grasp your length in my palm, moaning at the sensation of the heated skin against mine; a breathy moan leaving your own lips as you hang your head back momentarily at the contact. You bring your head forward, ragged breaths, bitten lip, hands massaging their way behind my ears, fingers gripping into my strands of hair. You tilt my head backwards as you pull on my hair, and I watch with hooded eyes as your mouth hangs open, gazes locked dangerously as I palm your erection with greed. You grind your hips towards my groin, one of your hands moving to free my erection from my jeans. I moan into your mouth when our lips connect sloppily. You bring our erections together before you start to pump them against each other, the sensation making me moan in a high pitch. 

''Oh, yes, please.''

I break the kiss with a breathy moan, my head hangs back as I whimper. Your hand comes over my mouth, the crook between your thumb and your index finger caught between my lips. ''Shh'' You breath against my cheek, before you sunk your teeth in the skin of my neck, your hips thrusting hard against mine; our cocks sliding up and down against each other, my eyes almost rolling to the back of my head at the very much needed feeling. I could smell your cologne, in combination with the sight of your unbuttoned shirt, your made up hair, the sleeves rolled up just enough to expose your forearms; that strong, hard, sexy body pressed up against me; all up against me- 

''Mn!''

You gasp at the sensation of my hands landing against your ass with force, before they grab a handful of the plump flesh over your trousers, pulling you towards me, aiding your thrusts as you pushed against me. Our foreheads connect and I look you through hooded eyes, your feral grey staring me down provocatively, precum making it's way down our shafts, making them slide up and down with ease.

''You bring the worst out of me.'' You breathed against me. I lick your hand, still pressed up against my mouth; I moan quietly against it in response. 

''I want to make you mine'' You say huskily. So sexy. So mind blowing, to have you panting like this against me; to have your hard cock, swelled up and ready to explode just for me; sliding up against me; I needed you; needed to be connected; united. My eyebrows come together as you pick up the pace, I begin to whine frantically as I feel myself close to my release. 

''Fuck, Eren.''

Your thrusts become harder, greedier, more erratic by the second. You clench your jaw, freeing my mouth to wrap a hand around my neck. One of my hand stays in a tight grip of the swell of your ass, while my other travels up your strong back to grab a handful of your hair, snapping your head backwards. I bite my lip tight at the extreme feeling of our skin rubbing together, overwhelmed and in need to blow off steam; I pull hard at your hair, making you wince and smirk down at me through half lidded, feral grey.

''Why don't you then, huh? What're you waiting for?''

I speak in a hoarse voice I couldn't even recognize, clouded with lust my mind goes into a complete frenzy. ''Make me fucking yours already.''

I speak through clenched teeth snapping at your hair with a strong tug as I breath out the words. Your facial expression changes completely, an expression of newly found arousal imprinted all over your eyes, I felt my skin shiver at their intimidating, deathly tint. ''Oh, yeah?''

Your tone threatening as you pull a tight grip on my neck to yank me forward, before you flip me over to have me bent over against your desk. I inhale sharply in excitement, my heart pounding hard against my chest as you pull my jeans and boxers down to my ankles with a quick movement. I feel you tug at my hair before a hard, violent, slap lands raw against my ass. I shriek in arousal and surprise, my blood boiling in my veins, my knees shaking with anticipation. 

''You want me deep inside you, filling you up to the brim and ruining you for anyone else''

You whispered seductively in my ear, before biting on my ear lobe, your voice hoarse and breathy, a tight grip on my hair keeping me in place.

''Want me to fuck you up so bad you won't be able to live without my cock''

My eyes are close to rolling all the way to the back of my head at the sound of the words, my legs trembling in arousal.

''Fuck you all day, all night, fuck you until you can't think of anything else, won't need anything else.''

My cock twitches, precum going down my shaft, a breathy moan escapes my lips.

''Until you turn into a wanton whore, begging to get fucked, begging to get ravaged''

I thrust my hips against the wood of the desk, my hard, throbbing length begging for the least of friction, my ass moving backwards to rub against your hard erection, getting it caught between my cheeks, rubbing sensually against it up and down, feeling it moisten up against my skin as precum keeps gathering at the tip. You grunt against my ear as your hips follow my movements, your cock moving in and out between the crack of my ass. 

''You're my little slut; and I can do whatever I want to you.''

I bite my lip hard enough to draw blood, shaky breaths exiting my lungs as I feel your hand bring my thighs together. ''Say it.'' You bring a hard palm against the swell of my ass, the sound of the smack echoing into the room. I gasp when you push my head against the desk, my face pressed up against the cool wood. My body trembles in arousal as I breath out weakly. 

''I-I'm your slut and you can do whatever you want to me.''

My fingers shaking as I grip into the sides of the desk to steady my quivering body. Your palm rubs gentle circles around my ass, before it sits at my lower back softly.

''That's right, baby.''

You whisper, before you release my head. I stay in place obediently, waiting for whatever was about to come next. I feel your hand exert a light pressure at my lower back, before gasping at the feeling of your hard length getting pressed between my thighs. You sigh when your groin meets my ass, and you bottom out. I moan at the contact of your cock against mine between my legs. You don't move for a second, your hands roaming up and down my thighs which were twitching with awaiting and electrification. ''You want it?''

I feel your lips moving against the skin of my lower back; shivers going up and down my spine, goosebumps forming all over my skin. I waste no time before I breath out. ''Yes.'' Your hands rub their way to each side of my waist slowly, settling at the soft skin between my ribs and hips; your thumbs pressing tenderly close to each side of the spine bone. ''Yes, what?''

Your tone lustful, provocative with a hint of tease and the promise of pleasure; pure nectar dripping off those sinful lips. I pant a few times before I speak.

''Yes, daddy.''

It was not even a second before you let out a breathy moan and thrust hard against me. Before I was able to process what had happened, you followed through with a fast pace, rubbing hard against my erection, the feeling of an intense heat at the skin of my inner thighs. I press my forehead against the cool wood of the desk, breathing in before I let out a loud, deep; high pitched moan; my mind foggy and my vision blurry as all my senses become occupied. I imagined that you were thrusting inside me, your moans and pants, your strong hands pulling against my waist as you slammed your hips against my ass, the feeling of your cock sliding against mine, the burning sensation between my quivering thighs. I began to lose myself at the violent, merciless plunges thrown against me; so hard; so out of control; so brutal; it drove me absolutely insane. I began to see white, my body jerked as I felt a familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. Your thrusts pick up, they become sloppier as you lean forward to kiss at the back my neck, before pulling back to resume at fucking my thighs ruthlessly. I tilt my head sideways towards the back, managing to lock eyes with you, your expression was pure sex; pure desire and arousal; lust and feral need that was rooted to the bone. You stared right into my eyes with determination. 

''Cum.''

I could barely hear the word in between my loud moans and pants, but it was more than enough to send me over the edge. You fingers reached forward to push their way inside my mouth, as you fucked the small space between my legs, my cock twitching and my body jerking as I shoot out white. I bite down on your fingers with a breathy moan, my eyes never leaving yours as I cum; your jaw slack, mouth parted, my name trailing sexily off your lips as you thrust into me hard one more time, and I feel hot spurts of pleasure mixing in with mine. Unable to move I stay still, panting against the desk, my legs a trembling mess, tingles and waves of pleasure still running through my muscles.

''Mm.''

I sigh in complete bliss. You wrap your arms around my waist, leaning over me to plant a few gentle kisses along my spine. Your hand wipe the sweaty strands of hair that were stuck on my forehead, before you kissed my cheek,

''Mm? Cheeky brat.''

I managed to smirk in response as my eyes fluttered shut. 


	15. Green-Eyed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins...  
> Let's get possessive ｡◕‿‿◕｡

It was Friday night, and I was at Mikasa's doorway with Armin. I could hear loud voices and Rn'B music faint sounding from the inside. I was holding a John Walkers Whiskey bottle in my hand, and Armin had brought an absolute Vodka to match it, not that he would even manage to finish one shot of that without cringing. I was wearing a white lose shirt and black trousers, still boring as ever; but I had made sure to at least style my hair and spray myself with cologne. My mother told me I looked amazing as I walked out the door tonight, so that must mean something. I mentally laughed at myself. I kinda wished you could've seen me tonight, I wished you could've come to this party with me. After multiple calls and texts trying to get Mikasa's attention, she finally opens the door, drink in hand, crazy noise pollution coming from within.

''Good. You made it.''

She said with an authoritative tone, before she pulled us both into an embrace with a slight smile. She looked beautiful, in a black tight dress; red lipstick to match it. I was sure Jean was losing his mind tonight. 

''Happy birthday!'' Armin and I exclaimed at the same time. ''You look hot.'' I said as I followed her inside and Armin agreed with nod. She turned to wink at us playfully. ''Oh, I know.'' We all laughed at that. I immediately spotted Jean and Conny in the large group of people. There were some other people I couldn't recognize as we made our way to them; but most of them seemed to be from our class. Armin and I grabbed a drink from the beverage table before adding the bottles we brought to the collection of drinks, and we entered the living room full of the crowd. Mikasa was popular for sure; there had to be at least 100 people in this party. 

''Would you look who has graced us with his presence!''

I rolled my eyes at Jean's voice as I always did. Could this guy not make me cringe at least once in his life time? I had to admit though. Conny and Jean looked amazing. They were both wearing blazers; which was a first. ''Eren, are you trying to turn me gay?''

My eyes snapped at Conny's remark and I chuckled. ''You look amazing, too, actually.'' I nudged his side playfully with my elbow and we laughed.

''Excuse me, what about me?''

Jean gestured towards himself with a questionable look. Of course, there was no way in hell I would admit to him that he actually looked good. ''You're okay.'' I said to him effortlessly as I gave him a look from head to toe. 

''You look amazing, Jean.'' Armin tried to soothe Jean's ego, and Jean smiled brightly at him, tilting his head towards him. 

''Gee, thank you, Armin. That's why I keep saying you are the most honest and genuine out of all of us.'' I rolled my eyes at that once again, before bringing my drink to my lips. My eyes roamed around the room as our group kept going into playful banter. I spotted a few new faces, before my eyes landed on a very familiar figure. Krista was wearing an emerald, green dress, very tight to her waist and hips; her cleavage was deep; and low. She definitely looked gorgeous, not that I thought much of it. She was holding a drink in her hand and she had an expression of laughter in her face as she spoke to one of the many guys gathered around her. I smirked at that. I wondered who she would end up going home with tonight. I waved at her awkwardly when her eyes landed on me, trying to ignore Jean's and Conny's excited 'woo's' when she seemed to excuse herself to make her way towards us. I turned to Mikasa and mouthed the word 'fuck' to her. She wrinkled her nose and brought her lips together shaking her head apologetically. Man, I really was not looking forward to this. At all. 

''Hey, guys.''

Hey voice was sweet, and high pitched when she greeted the group. I noticed Jean, Conny and Armin pause fro a second staring in awe, before they managed to greet her back. Hey blue eyes scanned all of us, before they finally landed on me. ''How have you been?'' She placed her hand on my arm, to give it a light squeeze, I noticed that Jean, Conny, and Mikasa turned to their own conversation to give us space, Armin being the only one to give me a subtle look before he turned away as well. I flicked my eyes at him momentarily silently asking for help; he shrugged. Fuck.

''I've been good.'' I turn to Krista with a fake smile. ''How about yourself?'' I shifted from left to right feeling slightly uncomfortable by the way she was looking at me; and how suddenly every single male in the room seemed to be eyeing me in hostility. 

''Good. I was hoping I'd run into you tonight. Uhm, you look really good.'' She smiled shyly, I found myself cringe slightly. I nodded appreciatively at that telling myself I should return the compliment. ''You do too. I see, the guys are all over you tonight. Who's going to be the lucky one?''

I said jokingly. Her eyes narrowed slightly focusing on mine, no sarcasm in her voice when she answers ''Could be standing right in front of me.''

I blink in shock, thankful to hear Mikasa lower the volume of the music to address the crowd, my eyes still fixed on Krista's as she begins to speak. 

''Alright guys, first of all, thank you all for coming. I think we've had enough meet n' greet going on, it's time to get the proper party started.''

Everyone cheered at that, my eyes shifted to Mikasa, as she stood on top of a chair to speak, a ping pong ball in her hand. That, with the sight of the table in the middle of the room with drinks on each side; made me sigh at the realization we were all about to get shit faced. I could feel Krista's eyes still glued on me, as if expecting some kind of answer, but I only managed to swallow nervously. ''You are all familiar with this game I'm sure. For Armin's sake however I will explain it.'' she turned to give Armin an apologetic, sarcastic look, and I heard him sigh, shaking his head left to right as he blushed at the crowd's playful chuckling. 

''Game is called beer pong. We will have teams of six and players will throw this ping pong ball across a table with the intent of landing the ball in the drinks on the other end. Each team will take turns attempting to throw ping pong balls into the opponent's drinks. If a ball lands in a drink, you gotta chug it and remove it from your side of the table. The first team to eliminate all of the opponent's drinks is the winner.'' She gestured at the ping pong ball in her hand. The crowd erupted into cheers, Jean being the loudest fucking one. 

''Okay, get into teams of six everyone. I'll start with my team.'' She paused to look over at us. We were already made up into a group, I guess. ''Conny, Jean, Armin, Eren and Krista.'' She gestured at us to come over with a sly lift of her eyebrows. I wanted to kill her for adding Krista to our team. She had her own group of friends, and I knew exactly why Mikasa was doing this. I still wondered why on earth my friends kept trying to get me back together with Krista. We made our way to one side of the table and waited as the opposing team too their own place. The game begun soon enough, and we started taking turns at throwing the ball. After I had already drunk about two or three drinks, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket.

_**12:39 am** _

_**Levi: How's the party going?** _

Now, that was something I did not expect. I smiled at my screen, admitting to myself that this text alone had lifted my mood quite a bit. 

_**12:40 am** _

_**We're playing beer pong. How's your night going?** _

I waited for a while, watching my friends chug drinks while my mind was elsewhere. I fumbled at my phone when it buzzed again not much later.

_**12:49 am** _

_**Levi: What are you, teenagers? I'm at the club.** _

I felt my chest tighten at that. I knew you'd go into Nightingale every Friday, and maybe Saturday; and I would always meet you afterwards, but that didn't stop the impulsive jealousy rushing through my gut; especially tonight, which was the first Friday night I would not be spending with you in the past six months. I clenched my teeth at the thought of all those times I had gone into the club, met with the sight of you with someone else wrapped in your arms; whispering in your ear, kissing your lips, touching your skin. The idea of going to Nightingale had left me with traumatic memories; it was the reason I chose not to go, the knowledge that you would come home to me afterwards more than enough to ensure you hadn't been messing around with someone else. I had never made a scene, pushing the jealous thoughts to the back of my head, choosing to supress the urge to ask you what you did, who you met with, who tried to talk to you; partially afraid to hear the answer to the questions. I chose to act as if it didn't bother me; it didn't tear me apart knowing that you would go there every week; and everyone wanted you; and everyone wanted to steal you away from me, try to take away what's mine. Tonight was different, I wouldn't be home waiting for you; and that gave you the liberty to do whatever you wanted to; it gave you a free pass to choose one of the many contestants that pine over you, bring them home, do to them what I so badly have been wanting you to do to me. I stiffened my jaw, clenching my fists angrily; the alcohol in my blood wasn't helping the feeling, wasn't helping the scenarios running though the back of my head, wasn't helping the thought of other guys trying to talk to you, you accepting them, smiling at them, dancing with them... taking them home. My fingers trembled slightly at I typed out the words. 

**_1:02 am_ **

**_Is anyone hitting on you?_ **

Yes, maybe that would sound possessive to you; yes, maybe you would freak out. I didn't care. Tonight, I really didn't care, I couldn't control it. My phone buzzed not even a minute later. My eyes wide as I read the text.

_**1:02 am** _

_**Levi: Yes. Anyone making passes at you?** _

I bit my lip in frustration. I felt my knees tremble with fury, my fingers tightening as a cold chill made its way up my spine. Why would you say that? Were you trying to get me angry? Were you purposefully trying to get me upset? For what? To tease me? Make fun of me? My eyes flicked up to meet Krista's. Lush blue boring into me, a crooked smile on her lips as she eyed me provocatively, having her fair share of drinks had made her even more bold. Two can play this game; I swallowed before I typed out my reply.

_**1:05 am** _

_**Yeah.** _

I placed my phone in my pocket before resuming to the game, it was almost my turn to throw my shot. After what felt like a while of playing and chugging drinks, Jean scored the winning goal of the game, with a loud cheer, saving as from another round of what could have turned us into even more of drunken mess. I stumbled to the couch with Armin. He had already thrown up twice; and we landed on it with a loud thud. Mikasa and Jean were in the corner, close to one another, I smirked at drunk Armin who gave a strange giggle in response. 

''Jean, tell her you love her.''

Armin mumbled the words in a drunken mess, before passing out on the couch. Conny was nowhere to be seen; probably off to find his date for the night. I took the phone out of my pocket, to see that I had no new messages. The time was almost 2 a.m. It hurt. Why did you not care? Why did you never seem to care in the least?

Krista interrupted my thoughts as she took the seat next to me, visibly intoxicated, drink in hand. She leaned her head on my shoulder giggling and chuckling like a little girl. I gently took the drink from her hand to place it on the table in front of us. ''Alright, that's enough for tonight.'' I said politely, trying to shake my mind from the blur of tipsiness. 

''You're looking out for me. That's sweet.'' 

Her hand made its way down my thigh before she lifted her head close to mine. I chuckled awkwardly, thankfully not drunk enough for this. ''You should go home, Krista.'' I said, while eyeing the multiple guys taking note of her drunken state. Who knew what could happen to her if someone decided to take advantage of her? I scanned the crowd for any of her friends that could help her get home but found no luck. 

''Eren.''

She cupped my chin to turn my face towards hers. ''Look at me for a second.'' She seemed desperate, as if she would break down if I didn't give her attention. 

''Is something wrong with me?''

My eyes widen at that. ''What?'' She shuffled on the couch, sitting up straight to meet me eye to eye. 

''I'm just wondering what went wrong.'' She lowers her eyes, and I find myself at a loss for words. She was beautiful, and she was a sweet girl. Any guy would be very lucky to have her. I had no idea why someone like her would be so infatuated by me, even after everything that happened between us; but I knew deep down that no matter what my heart would never be in it. Why couldn't you want me like this? Why couldn't you ignore all the other guys and come to me instead, even when if I visibly ignored you; why couldn't you be desperate for me like this? Why did I have to find myself in situations where I would be the one begging and getting nothing in return? Why? Why was I sitting here, rejecting the most beautiful girl in the room, while you were out flirting and talking to other men without a care in the world?

So when she closed her eyes and leaned in towards me, I didn't move. 

It was wrong, and I didn't want it, but I let it happen. She initiated it, I accepted it, and when my lips touched hers, I felt nothing but regret. Her hands hooked around my neck immediately, and I wasted no time before I pulled back. ''Fuck, I'm so sorry.'' I mumbled in panic. She moved her head from left to right before she dived in to press her lips against mine again. I found myself leaning backwards, desperate for space between us. It felt wrong, it was wrong; fucking wrong. Just completely, utterly faulted. For some reason I couldn't do anything about it, I was frozen in place, thoughts of you doing the exact same thing right now, with someone else, thought of you enjoying it while I feel repulsed. I forced myself to try. I tried to kiss back, move my lips against hers, I tried to place my hand on her neck but the sensation of it sickened me. It was too soft, too thin, too delicate; nothing like your thick, sturdy neck, nothing like your sharp, defined jawline, your harsh, plump lips; nothing like your fire, your tension, your aggressiveness. Nothing like you. It wasn't you; and that was all there was to it. 

''Do you want to go upstairs?'' She pulled back to whisper subtly in my ear. My stomach almost turned at the thought. What the fuck am I doing? I don't want this. I never did and I never will. I had tried to go down this road. Force myself to be normal, force myself to be accepted, force myself to want what everybody else would kill to have. But I didn't want it. What I wanted wasn't here. It wasn't here and it was somewhere else, being claimed by someone else who wasn't me, being grasped away from me at the tip of my fingers. I wasn't going to let that happen. I wasn't going to let anyone take away what's mine.

''I can't, Krista. This isn't going to happen. Ever. I'm sorry, okay? It's not your fault.''

I shot up to my feet once I spotted Sasha, Krista's best friend, giggling in Conny's lap. I walked over to her apologizing for my interrupting, pointing towards Krista who was still sitting dumbfounded at the couch, expressing my concern for her drunken state. I then turned to Connie, asking him to take Armin home, still knocked out cold not far from Krista.

''Are you leaving?'' He asked as Sasha made her way to Krista. 

''Yeah, tell the guys I'm sorry, okay?''

* * *

I took a deep breath at the entrance of Nightingale. It had been a very long time since I have been here; but here I am once again. The faint music and smell of smoke in the air was clouding my thoughts. Clenching my fists and my teeth, I walked in with determination, the many different scenarios of what sight I could be met with were playing in my mind, terrifying me to the core; and I was ready to throw punches any moment. My eyes probably shooting daggers, seeing as nobody even dared to come near me, people eyeing me curiously as I made my way through the crowd. I could feel my knees tremble and I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol, the bass of the loud music; or just my fury as I walked closer towards the bar by the DJ. I braced myself as I came closer into view, and frankly, I was more shocked than I thought I would be when spotting you under the dim lights. My eyes widened, when I saw your back turned to the crowd, sitting down at the bar; a drink placed not far from you, a cigarette in your hand; alone. I sat there for a while to observe; Farlan came up behind you to place a rubbing hand on your back, and you started to make conversation with him and the female bartender. Nobody amongst you seemed to be in a good mood, you more than anyone, your head hung low on your shoulders. I had no words to express the relief that washed over me, but most of all; the guilt.

The guilt at what I had just done; the thoughts that had played through my mind; the stupid impulsive actions I took; only to find out that I was wrong all along. You were just sitting there, weren't paying attention to anyone; didn't seem available in the least. The man I saw standing in that exact same spot six months ago seemed miles away from the sight I was met with right now. I sighed as I made my way towards you hesitantly. What do I say? When I approached, I slowed my pace, suddenly feeling very unsure of myself, ashamed of myself. How do I even face you after what I did? The bartender gave you a subtle look before jerking her chin towards me, and I bit my lip anxiously when you turned your head back to look at what she was pointing at. You froze for a second, before getting up from your seat, your eyes glued to mine. I made my way to you, until I found myself only centimetres away from you. I smelled your cologne, nothing else mixing with it, saw your face up close, your lips not swollen in the least, your blue long sleeved, loose shirt hanging low on your clear of marks collarbones, not a single crease on it; nobody had touched you tonight, nobody had come near you. I swallowed, staring you through sorrowful eyes. ''Hey.'' You cleared your throat.

''Uhm...This is Farlan...and this is Izzy.'' You gestured towards your friends. I managed to smile and reach out a hand to shake theirs. ''This is Eren.'' You spoke. I wasn't sure what you had told your friends about me. I wasn't sure if they knew about us at all. 

Your eyes landed back on mine, silently asking me what's wrong. ''Nice to meet you. Heard a lot about you.'' Farlan's voice was much deeper than I thought it would be. He was very tall; his dark blue eyes were intimidating but he had a kind smile. Izzy waved kindly at me. ''Nice to meet you both.'' I said politely, turning back to you with uncertainty. Could I hug you in front of them? I didn't know. You scanned me for a moment before placing your arm around my waist. I sighed in relief at the touch, leaning into you, our bodies touching. ''Everything okay?'' You said into my ear, rubbing at my side comfortingly. I nodded, pressing my cheek to yours as I spoke.

''I just wanted to see you.'' 

You must've heard the desperation in my voice, because both your arms wrapped tight around my waist. I could feel people's eyes on us, but I noticed you really didn't seem to care. I hooked my arms around your neck, my lips pressing against the skin behind your ear. I paused for a moment at the buzzing of my phone, pulling it out of my pocket to look opening the chat to look at the messages.

**_2:22 am_ **

**_Horseface: Dude, did u and Krista make out? and wtf happened to Armin? We took him upstairs he's knocked out cold._ **

**_2:29 am_ **

**_Horseface: Wtf u made out with her and then u left? Are u insane? Also, Mikasa is fucking pissed._ **

I rolled my eyes with a sigh before locking my phone again and placing it in my pocket. The difference was insane. The contrast between the way I felt with you, and the way I was feeling a while ago with someone else. I couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief. It was as if our bodies were made for each other, the way they would click together; lock in place as if we were meant to be together. The guilt was killing me. The ache in my heart was growing by the second, the more attentive and sweeter to me you were, the more horrible I felt. You noticed my distress and took my hand to lead me inside the bar. You sat me down by the cashier where it was quieter, and there were not too many people. Your thumb running over the skin under my eye gently as you stood close to me. I grabbed your hand and kissed the inside of it, my eyes piercing you with worry and guilt. 

''What is it, angel?''

I smiled at that; your sweet voice, your caring tone; the way you immediately picked up the slightest sign of discomfort in me. I couldn't tell you the truth. I was ashamed of it, but more than anything, I was scared of how you would react. I knew you had told me not long ago that I should see other people also; but deep down I knew you didn't mean it.

''Can you kiss me?''

I said hesitantly, almost like a whisper. Before anything else, I needed to wipe every trace of Krista off of me, and replace it with you. Your lips, your tongue, your skin... you. I grasped the front of your shirt, creasing the fabric. You eyed me with concern, a hand going through my hair to the back of my head. You wasted no time before capturing my lips into a gentle kiss, and there was no hesitation; everybody could see us; your friends, your admirers...and I wanted them to. I wanted them all to know that you are mine and I am yours and nothing can ever change that. My hands travelled up your waist and I pulled your body between my legs. I broke the kiss to press my forehead against your chest, taking in your heat, your scent; my eyes close at the sensitivity roaming over your skin. I locked my arms around you and held tight; desperately, rubbing my face against your chest. 

''What's the matter?''

You whispered in my hair as you rested your head on the top of mine, your arms wrap around my neck. I felt my chest tight. I couldn't forgive myself. That stupid kiss that I didn't even want, those crazy thoughts in my head; but most of all, the distrust I had in you. I couldn't forgive myself. Time and time again, you had proven yourself to me, every time I needed a lover or a friend, every time I was vulnerable, and you never took advantage of it; never used me, never tricked me. You were there no matter what; no matter what time of day, no matter when or where you would always show up. You had always been there for me, when no one else would accept me, you had opened your arms to me. Most importantly, you had always been real with me; honest, genuine; no matter how ugly the truth, you were brave enough to own up it, and the only priority you ever had is to protect me. And me? I make up crazy scenarios in my head, I convince myself that you had betrayed me, and the only thing I accomplished was to betray you instead. How could I think so low of you? How could I be so cruel? The only person I should think low of, the only person I should be mad at, furious at; is me. And I was. I was angry at myself. I hated myself. 

''Hey''

You sat up, cupped each side of my face to lift it up towards yours. You looked down at me through worried eyes. You wiped a tear off my cheek and eyed the wetness trailing down your finger, your mouth hanging open with concern. I hadn't even realized I had begun to cry; and of course, I would. I am weak and useless after all. I can't handle anything like a real man. I can't handle anything the way you would; I can't be as strong and as admirable as you. 

''Baby, what is going on?''

You shook your head as you spoke the words, your eyebrows are brought together in affliction. I sobbed, unable to find the words, and you leaned in to place a soft kiss against my forehead.

''Can I stay with you tonight?''

I whined pushing my head into your chest, speaking the words against the skin of your sternum. You tightened your arms around me. ''Yes.''

You spoke almost immediately, not a hint of hesitation in your voice. ''Of course.''

When we walked through the door of your apartment, I wanted nothing more than to get into your bed; surround myself with your smell, wrap myself with your skin, with your voice dancing around my ears, and your soft fingertips trailing their way over my skin. I wanted nothing more than to be touched, and to be held, and to be comforted, and you already knew that without me even having to tell you. You lead me to your bedroom with a strong hold on my hand and the promise of comfort. You took your jeans off and lay down, urging me to take my trousers off as well. I let them pull to my ankles before kicking them off, and falling into bed next to you, under the covers you held up for me as you waited for me to come by your side. You covered us both before turning off the light and pulling me into your arms. I sighed in content, nuzzling my head in the crook between your neck and your shoulder, breathing in the strong scent of your cologne and your body musk that gathered there. I knew I should do something for you in return, so I let my hand travel down to your crotch, only for you to halt my movements with a touch of your palm. 

''Why?''

I whispered, my head snapping up for my eyes to meet yours. You smiled at me through narrowed eyes. ''I just want to hold you tonight.'' 

I smiled, tears gathering in my eyes as I nod, burying my face into your neck again; ''Thank you.'' I wrapped my arm around your waist tight; there was nothing I wanted more, than to be held just like this; comforted just like this; it was all I needed, all I pined for. I came to the realization, that it truly wasn't really about sex; it never was... and never will be. This connection, this bond, this union, this level of deep understanding and acceptance you and I had; it could never be achieved through sex...and sex could never be compared to it. 

''Don't ever thank me. You don't ever have to thank me.''

I shut my eyes tight, the guilt killing me inside. I sobbed quietly, while you shushed me and rocked me gently into sleep. 

I opened my eyes. A light breeze tickling the peach fuzz on my skin, I rub my eyes squinting at the bright light filling the room. I pat the mattress next to me reaching out for you, but as usual you were already up. I sit up and spot my phone at the bedside. I grab it to look for any missed calls or messages. There was nothing; I looked at the time.

10:30 am.

I sigh and drag myself off the bed, making my way towards the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror I feel nothing but resentment. I needed things to change, and I needed them to change fast. It no longer was about the sex for me. It was about establishing a relationship; it was about admitting the truth about how far deep we have fallen for each other. It was about accepting the reality of the situation, which was starting to become the elephant in the room that nobody chose to acknowledge: we love each other deeply.

However, we aren't moving forward nor backwards; and I knew I wasn't satisfied with just that. It was time for things to change, but I didn't know how to initiate it. How long before you admitted your feelings towards me? How long before you claimed me as your own? How long before you finally made me yours; not just physically… but in your heart. I press my lips together in frustration and wash my face. I run my tongue across my teeth after brushing them and style my hair as neatly as I could. My shirt hung low on my collar bones; my face still puffy from crying last night. I sigh as I make my way towards the living room.

There you were.

Sitting down on your desk, your glasses on low on your nose, your jaw clenched deep in thought, your shirt unbuttoned just enough to tease my eyes awake, your forearms tensing as you wrote down, fingers wrapped tight around your pen. I saw you fidget slightly when you heard me walk in.

"Good morning."

Your voice still raspy from waking up, your head still focused on the papers; you didn’t exactly acknowledge me. Confused, I placed my fingers gently on your shoulders and leaned in to kiss the side of your neck with a slight brush of my lips. Your scent filling my nostrils, making my eyes roll back with desire as I place an open-mouthed kiss on the soft skin of your jaw. You lean back and accept the kiss wholeheartedly.

"You're up early. Did you sleep well?"

You seemed slightly tensed, still not turning around to face me. I frowned in annoyance, my hands still on your shoulders, my thumbs caressing your shoulder blades gently.

"Is that paperwork that important?"

I pout like an ignored pet, mentally slapping myself for being so needy. You chuckle gently and place your hand over my own on your shoulder. A gentle, warm touch- enough to make my heart race.

"I’m grading the assignments."

My eyes widen and I pull away to sit on your desk beside you. The thump on the desk made you stop your movements and pause in annoyance, but you resumed without saying a word about it.

"How did everyone do?"

I ask as my feet swinging left and right in curiosity; cringing at the sight of Krista’s name written at the top of the paper you were grading.

"So far not great."

I chuckle at your response but am quickly silenced by your glare as you pause to look at me. I began to feel paranoid. My mind returned to what had happened with Krista. How would you find out about that? My eyes widened as I was caught in my own thought. I couldn’t recall putting my phone to the bedside; I was fairly certain I had left it in the pocket of my trousers.

Jean’s message. Still, the possibility of you going through my phone was low, it couldn’t be accessed without the password.

"I wouldn't find it so funny."

You resume in the tapping of your pen.

"Your paper was mediocre."

Your tone was low, serious. The one that I hated so much. The side of you that seemed untouchable; unapproachable. I just hated it. I shrugged and tried to smile, pushing my paranoid thoughts to the back of my head. However, the fact that you hadn't even looked at me properly yet frustrated me more than it should.

"Well, if I wasn't busy worrying and being upset because of you all the time maybe I would've done better."

The words escaped my mouth without my permission, and I knew it was something I should've kept to myself the moment I saw the look in your eyes. You took your glasses off and rubbed at your temples carefully sighing during the process and leaning back in your chair. Your eyes looked up to meet mine. They seemed worn out, empty and guilty.

"You're right."

You said.

_You're right._

"That's all you've got to say?"

Your lips parted but they just hanged open; not making a sound before you pressed them together and bit your lip nervously. I sighed and leaned my head backwards. I shouldn't continue this. I don't want to have this fight.

"I'm getting tired Levi."

What am I saying?

"I'm getting tired of being nobody to you."

I straightened my head gazing at the floor, unable to face you. I felt this sudden urge to solidify our relationship, to make you admit what you felt for me, to make you admit that you loved me; because it was just so obvious. It was just so meaningless to deny it any longer. I heard you sigh and shift around your seat.

"Yeah. I can see that."

You threw the words out after a long pause of silence, shaking me in surprise as I jolt up, my eyes slightly widened.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I said quietly, trying not to let my nerves get to me, as if preparing myself for something I didn't want to hear. Your lips trembled gently and you resumed at grading the paper, pulling your glasses on unfazed.

What was going on? Why were you acting so childish?

"You know this girl?"

My eyes squinted slightly at your question.

"What girl?"

I asked leaning towards you.

"Krista Reiss."

In that moment, I was sure I felt my heart drop down to my knees. I frowned and shook my head in denial, desperate, scared, terrified.

‘’Yes. She's in my class."

You nodded ironically, lifting your eyebrows slightly.

"So, you like her?"

Your question threw me completely off guard. My breathing picked up immediately, I felt a sharp panic rush through my blood before I blacked out. I stood up in an instant, a frown apparent in my face.

"What?"

My palms pulling into fists by my hips. My heart rate becoming very elevated, beating hard against my ribcage. You knew.

"I know what happened last night."

I visibly swallowed; sweat making its way down my forehead; I couldn’t try to deny it; it would kill me to do so anyway. I felt tears building up in my eyes at the guilt; the pain, the fear of how this would affect you and I.

"How?"

I ask in defeat. You didn't answer, completely calm while I was hyperventilating.

‘’I went through your phone.’’

Your words hung heavy in the cool air. I took a deep breath, before letting it out slowly. Clenching and unclenching my fists in pure agony.

‘’What?’’ How could you access my phone? This made no sense. Before I could ask you the question, you turned to me with determined eyes shaded with pain.

‘’That night six months ago… When you came to Nightingale the first time, you got very drunk. Someone was about to take advantage of you, so I stepped in. I took you outside, I asked you for your password so I could call your friend to come get you.’’

My mouth hung open in shock, memories of that night flashing back to me. It was you; you were the one that had come after me. You had shown up for me even then; right from the start. My eyes fixed to the floor as I panted in anguish. ‘’That was you? Why didn’t you say something?’’

‘’I remember the password. I went through your phone because I thought it would give me answers about last night. I’m sorry for invading your privacy.’’

You said weakly, your head hanging low on your shoulders. I shook my head from left to right.

"No! No, I’m sorry. It really isn’t what you think!"

My voice trembling with pure terror. I couldn’t lose the love of my life because of a person that didn’t even interest me; because of some stupid mistake.

"That so?"

Your tone was simple. Standard. Nothing off about it, but I could tell that you were very upset. I could tell by the way your fingers trembled slightly, I could tell by the way you twisted your ankle in circular motions under the desk, I could tell by the way your chest moved up and down. You were hurt. And this was your way of showing it. Ignoring me. Acting like I'm not there. Not even looking up at my face or giving me the time of day.

"Look at me."

My voice was stern and quiet. My heart beating out of my chest; going up and down frantically. I sobbed when my request was unaccounted for.

"Please, look at me."

I stood up on my feet, waiting desperately for you to acknowledge me; give me a chance to explain myself but first acknowledge the fact that it bothered you that I kissed someone else. Acknowledge the fact that you wanted me all to yourself.

"Levi!"

You jumped at the loudness of my voice, your pen slipping from your hands. You sighed, turning to look at me slowly, pain hidden in your eyes. You didn't avert your glare, gazing deep into my irises; waiting for me to speak; for an explanation- for a reason.

"Did it bug you?"

I swallowed nervously before spiting the words out, my eyes half lidded as I stare down at you.

"Did what bug me?"

Your voice was calm and collected; but your eyes were fuming with fury, staring holes into me; intimidating me.

"She kissed me."

I saw you shiver slightly at the word; but you remained composed. You gulped, your eyes never leaving mine.

"Are you messing with me?"

You said quietly under your breath. Your fingers tapping the wood of the desk restlessly. I took a step closer to you, my palm reaching to place my thumb on your chin. Pulling your face higher in line with mine I pressed my lips together with a composed frown.

"Did it bother you that I kissed someone else?"

Those furious eyes that seemed composed only seconds ago, began to shoot daggers of anger as you smack my hand away in frustration. You shake your head left to right and smile ironically.

"You like playing games with me?"

You growled out aggressively, your eyes piercing the floor.

"Answer my question."

I insisted, still composed, unfazed by your sudden outburst, my chest still going up and down in panic. Your smile faded as you looked up at me. The look of pain and disgust mixed together along with guilt and frustration. You pressed your tongue at the edge of your mouth restlessly, your feet moving up and down anxiously. You were just like a child. I felt myself grow more and more frustrated by the second. Why was it so fucking hard for you to admit you wanted me exclusively?

"What?"

I asked provocatively. I approach placing my thumb on your lower lip, immaturely deciding to take a jab right where I knew I would get a reaction, purposefully trying to provoke you.

"You upset that somebody touched your favourite toy?"

Your eyes widen and I feel the pressure on my chest when you stand up in a swift movement to shove me away. I fall backwards in shock, managing to steady myself at the edge of the desk.

"Fuck you."

Your words were quiet and calm; but they pierced daggers through me. I didn't blame you after the way I spoke to you, after I lied by not telling you when you asked me what was wrong. There was silence for a moment before our eyes met and I saw yours glassy; stained with tears. This is not what I wanted. This is not how I planned for this to go.

"It was nothing, alright? I fucking swear." I sobbed weakly, my hands reaching to touch your shoulder apologetically. You shook your head with a sigh. ‘’I swear, Levi, I was just s-so blinded thinking of what you might be doing at the club… I just let it h-happen. It meant- nothing. I ran to you right after, I just had t-to see you. No one can compare to you, Levi… I-’’

Unable to continue due to the strain in my sobbing voice I only look into your eyes for confirmation as you sadly stare back into my wet ones. Unable to control it; the pain- I yell out at you.

"And you! If you don't want me to see anybody else why don't you just say so?!"

Your eyes never leaving mine as the tears start going down your face; listening to me with a half lidded painful expression.

"You don't want to say it! But I know Levi! Okay? I fucking-"

I bring my wrist up to my lips trying to stop my voice from straining. The knot in my throat tightening as I feel the need to cry out; tears making me choke out as I intake a sharp breath. You sit back down, your head in your hands as you place your elbows on your knees.

"What do you want me to say, Eren? That the thought of you with someone else kills me?’’

I kneel on the floor in front of you, my hands on my knees. I cry silently.

‘’Would that make you fucking happy? Would that satisfy you?’’

You say with a trembling voice. ‘’It doesn’t change the fact that I’m not right for you.’’

I shut my eyes tight, the pain in my chest unbearable, the ache in my heart, the blur of my vision, the ringing in my ears. Why?

‘’Why can’t you just fucking try?’’ I speak angrily, my voice raspy with tears. You furrow your eyebrows, shutting your eyes tight as tears go down your face.

‘’Why? You fucking coward!’’

I spit out. Angry, confused, unable to think logically, I blurt out the most hurtful words I've ever said to you. Unable to stop myself before the words had been said, I immediately find myself inhaling sharply in regret. You nod in acknowledgement. Smile ironically through the tears.

"Took you long enough."

You mumble out, leaning back to face me. The look in your eyes was of pure defeat. It was as if you had tried to fight a war and lost it without a chance.

"That's exactly what I am."

You said, your eyes half lidded; your chest moves violently up and down as you cry quietly under your breath. I close my eyes in regret. Pressing my fingers painfully hard into the wood of the desk. I bite my lip hard enough to draw blood. Your voice cut through me like a knife, and I froze instantly. My eyes widen in shock; my mouth open to speak but no words capable of coming out. Afraid to look into your eyes. Afraid to face the reality of the situation I freeze like a statue. Just like that. Just like that the world around came crashing down into a million pieces. Just like that my hopes and dreams, my goals and ambitions turned into ash. Just like that I felt myself wanting to vanish into the cold air. Somewhere far.

Away from here.


	16. If I Killed Someone For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘’Can I ask you a question?’’ I said weakly, staring down at you through hooded eyes. You looked up at me illuminating every ounce of uncertainty and anguish I felt rushing through my veins. Every trace of pain and fear, and every ounce of feral need and desire.
> 
> ‘’Do you love me?’’ I finally asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This chapter is going to be a wild ride with a lot of dialogue, I'm sorry if it gets a bit annoying but I thought it would be vital for these two to have a long conversation about feelings!  
> Don't know how else to put it ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔ  
> Enjoy!

How long has it been?

No longer than a week. So why does it feel like so long ago? When your scent was lingering under my fingertips, your soft skin below my touch, your velvet voice whispering sweet nothings in my ear, your piercing gaze staring into me telling me who I am. Why do I remember it so well?

Why do the memories keep rushing into my mind like it was yesterday? The words you said to me, how badly it hurt.

How long has it been since I have held you tight in my arms?

Tell me, how long has it been since I lost you?

* * *

It feels so cold, so empty, so pointless without you. It hurts more than I could imagine; the thought of not knowing when I will hold you again; the sight of you so close to me- sitting only a few feet away from me while I have to remain composed- teach. Teach as if nothing has changed- teach as if I am not hurting; as if I'm not suffering; as if I'm not dying. I can't take it. I don't really know how. How have I managed to stay alive all week? The number of times I've used- the time of day I'm under the influence; how does my body still function?

Not a single word from you, not a single move on your part, not even a text, or a call- and it's good. I'm happy for you; you're finally moving on, finally doing what's best for you. You're going to be happy. So happy away from me. Forget me. Forget those cold nights I held you close. Forget those restless nights I woke you up because of a nightmare. Forget those long phone calls in the middle of the night because I was lonely. Forget those eyes staring back at you across the lecture room. Forget the trembling lips that fought so hard to not say the words.

I love you.

I always will.

I wish I could give you what you deserve, but I know this is best for you.

_I love you._

_I love you, Eren._

"You're spacing out again."

Farlans voice snaps me back into reality as I force the tears to make their way back into my eyes.

"Sorry I-"

"What did you take?"

I shook my head left to right.

"You know the answer to that question."

I said under my breath, opening the door of the car to make my way into Nightingale. I heard Farlan sigh as he shut the car door on the other side to follow me inside.

It was busy as ever. Typical of a Friday night. I had already called for a delivery; I was expecting to receive in the club any moment now. It was like a ritual nowadays, couldn’t take staying sober not even for a single night.

I could feel people's stares as I walked through the crowd, I could spot many I'd recognized and many I had never seen before. I forced myself to smile like a good host, maybe hold a few stares for longer than I should; but though I knew by the end of the night I'd wind up going home alone anyways. My body would never accept anyone else. Not anytime soon. Not ever, probably.

"The usual?"

Izzy’s voice behind the bar barely audible under the loud music. I nodded and pulled out a cigarette. I had come to hate this- hate being in this club every weekend, hate having to satisfy people I don't know with my presence; hate having to use to my looks and power to seduce and deceive costumers. I hated the fact that I was just an object like I always have been. I hated the fact that the one person that made me feel human after such a long time, had finally given up on me. It was expected, but it was eating at me; were you with that girl right now? Could she make you feel good? Could she kiss you like me? Touch you like me? Make you cum like me? Did she even know what you like; where you like to be touched; the words you like to hear?

_Nobody could love you like me._

I sipped on my drink and took a puff of my cigarette. My head still dizzy from my previous high, a stupid smile making its way to my lips when I thought of how pathetic I was.

"There's someone here to see you."

Izzy says pointing behind me with a lift of her head. I sigh. What is it this time? I turn around. My eyes widen slightly. Cold shivers; chills, trembling, shuddering; my body freezes on the spot. Blonde hair, glasses, strong build, and an arrogant facial expression; the only one that scared me. The one who had inflicted me so much pain throughout the years. The one that sold me, raped me, abused me and manipulated me until I became an addicted object.

"Long time no see."

Zeke’s voice was as harsh as I remembered it. His tone as intimidating as I remembered it. I felt my breathing elevate rapidly and I gulped in effort to calm myself. My knees were beginning to give out. I couldn’t even turn around to scream for help. I couldn’t even look away from his threatening gaze.

"What are you doing here?"

I managed to say in a weak voice, my eyes traveling around in effort to spot Farlan, who was nowhere to be found.

"I brought you what you asked for."

He gestures towards a small package in his hand and approached me. I instantly stepped back, my back touching the wood of the bar.

"Stay the fuck away from me."

I felt my breath hitch when he placed the package by my side on the bar, his nose touching my forehead. I felt my stomach turn in disgust.

"You still smell the same."

He whispered. I almost gagged, my chest throbbing as I fought to breath properly.

"Sweet and clean."

He licked his lips; I begun to panic. Unable to move; terror racing straight through my blood. High and tipsy as I was; unable to completely comprehend the situation, not able to recognise if I was hallucinating or not. I begin to breath in high pitch, my lungs giving out on me. I manage to look to my side to see that Izzy was too busy serving costumers; and to realize that there's nobody to help me, but Farlan. He was the only one who would recognise Zeke. Noticing my search for help, he lifted his shirt to expose the pocketknife attached to his belt. I trembled with a gulp of my throat.

Why can't I move? Why can't I scream? Why can't I say something to stop him? Why am I so weak?

I feel numb as my body begins to give in. My legs start shaking, my eyes start watering, loud ringing in my ears. Traumatic memories that were triggered by him rushing though my mind; my mouth hangs open as I hyperventilate.

"You don't want to see what I got you?"

He whispered in my ear; his hands start making their way around my waist. I open my mouth to speak but only a breathless sound and a tear makes its way down my cheek. I can't move.

"It's your favourite and a whole ounce of it. You can have it if you do me a little favour."

My guts twist upside down and I feel myself gagging in disgust. I'm close to throwing up but at the same time cannot react to a single thing. I couldn’t let this happen to me again, I couldn’t let him use me like that again; pull me down the drain again. I’d die before I let him violate me; or anyone for that matter.

"So, what do you say?"

His hand travels up my torso to make its way to my chin. He pulls my face up in alignment to his. I can smell his breath; all these terrible memories keep rushing through my mind. All those times I was tied up, beat up and use like an animal. All those times I was tossed around like an object, all the times I was left laying down close to death, all fucked up and torn inside out.

It's dark. Nobody can see. Nobody can see when he grabs the package and pulls me by the hand. No one can see when my limp body has no choice but to follow. He pushes me against the cold tiles of the bathroom wall. His hand around my neck.

"Let’s see if you're still the same dirty bitch."

He whispers before his disgusting lips start attacking my neck. I cringe in disgust, my body trembling with fear; frozen. His hands travel down to my crotch.

"If you want it then you gotta get hard, boy. Ah, too bad I didn’t bring one of those aphrodisiacs."

His nasty voice echoing in my head. I’m losing grip, I feel as if I could faint soon; pure shell shock, I feel sick. I don't want this. I don't want this. Stop. Please, stop. Sweat on my forehead, tears on my cheeks, the walls are closing, I can’t breathe. I’m trapped, suffocated. Air; I need air; I’ve run out of oxygen, I’m dying; I’m going to die. Stop, please. Stop, I don’t want it. But I can't find my voice to speak. Where is my voice? Why can't I just say it?

"What happened to my vicious lynx, huh?"

He says while groping my ass and I bite my lip angrily; I can taste the blood on my tongue. I cringe at the sound of the terrible nickname. I wish I wasn’t here; why am I here? Why did I come here? This is my fault. Speak. Speak. Fucking talk!

"S-stop."

I manage to say weakly as in between my hyperventilating.

"Stop."

I say again, my hands trying to push him back, before he pulls them away and slaps me hard across the face. The sharp pain numbs out my entire cheek and my jaw hangs open in shock. He pulled out the knife from his pocket.

"Behave."

He whispered; the edge of the knife traveling from my jaw down to my throat. I close my eyes and gulp in fear; tears going down my face. I deserve this. I deserve to be hurt like this. I deserve to be treated this way. I am a useless piece of shit, how could I think I could ever be happy? I’m going to die soon now, anyway. I’m going to die because I will not let him take away the little dignity I have left. There was only one person who saw something in me. One person. If only I had the chance to at least say it. Tell you how thankful I am, for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you, Eren, for making me the happiest man alive, for being my light in a world full of darkness. I close my eyes with the thought of those green orbs; because that’s the only thing I want to take with me as I go. The last image I would ever create in my mind before-

"Get the fuck off him!"

I open my eyes wide in shock at the sound of that voice. I feel Zeke pulled away from me with force before he is tossed against the tiles of the sink violently. His back hits the side and he groans in pain as he falls, the package and his knife is knocked out of his hand. My mouth hangs open when I see your face. Am I being delusional? Have I died and gone to heaven already? When I feel your comforting touch, when I hear your calming voice, when I see your worried eyes; I realize this is real.

"Levi?"

You stroke my red cheek gently.

"Eren!"

I scream pulling you out of the way of Zeke’s strike. His knife is back in his hand. His head bleeding from the fall. I see him clench his fist to hit you hard across the face. I freeze in horror as I see you lose your balance and land on your hands against the sink. You turn around fast. Your glare was polluted with pure fury. Your fists clenched tight as you make your move.

"Stop it!"

I yell too late when your fist lands strong on the side of his jaw throwing him off balance. I panic; there is no way in hell I am letting the son of a bitch harm you. Every cell of fear in my body disappears in an instant; I shoot towards him; I try to immobilize him by grabbing his wrists and pushing him against the wall. I bring my knee with force between his legs and he shrieks in pain.

"Take the knife."

You move quickly before he gains his consciousness to grab the knife from his hand. I feel horrified when I see you hold the blade in your hand, the look in your eyes was lethal, a distorted expression on your face.

"I'm going to kill him."

You whispered, your lips trembling with anger, dripping with blood from the strike.

"Eren-"

I feel an excruciating pain in my gut as Zeke’s boot lands straight into my stomach with great force. I fall on my knees and curl into a ball before I throw up everything I've been holding down all this time. My vision begins to blur and all I could see are two figures moving violently fast against each other. I cough out and sit up.

"Eren- s- stop."

I say weakly before throwing up once more and coughing out painfully. Tears staining my eyes as I wipe them furiously, noises and groans of pain along with the sounds of meat hitting meat are heard through my ears, causing terror to travel throughout my entire body. My vision finally clears up enough to see what was happening; my senses finally coming back to me. I see Zeke straddling you, his fists coming down to strike hit after hit. Your blood splattering with each hit, your head jiggling and your jaw limp. Suddenly I freeze. My breath is caught up inside my throat. Possessed by anger. Fury. Furious at this man for taking everything away from me. Furious at this man for trying to take away the only thing I had left. The only thing that mattered to me. The reason for my existence.

_‘’I will slit your fucking throat.’’_

My body moves before I give it the instruction. Unable to process what I was doing; possessed by fury; I kick the back of Zeke’s head with full force; causing his body to hit the floor with a loud thump, like a sack of rotten meat. I step on his neck hard, while kneeling down to grab him by the hair. I land my first straight into his nose. It pops immediately, the sound of broken bones flooding the room; before I know it my fists are bleeding, Zeke is choking. Your strained voice telling me to stop. People entering the bathroom only to run back out in horror. But my body is moving on its own. Hit after hit Zeke has now completely lost his consciousness. His head flapping left to right like a corpse. His face deformed to the point where he is no longer recognizable. I pant angrily and look around to spot that knife. I have to finish him for having the audacity to put his hands on you. End him. Obliterate him. _There it was._ Not too far away from me. My aim was clear. I reach out my hand to grab it.

"Fuck! Levi!"

Farlan’s loud voice echoing in the bathroom walls. He pulls me back, the knife slipping from my hand. Zeke’s lifeless body lying on the cold floor. You are beside him, trying to sit up, wincing in pain, an expression of shock in your eyes as you stare at his deformed face.

My eyes wide open with fury as I pant.

"Let me fucking kill this fucking monster."

I say under my breath with a voice I didn’t recognize; my hands jolt up in effort to release myself from Farlan’s hold. More people begin rushing in to restrain me, while others aim to aid you and Zeke.

"Call the cops. Leave the heroin, let the son of a bitch get arrested, he’s a wanted man."

Farlans voice is quick and quiet as he spoke to Isabell; I hadn’t even realized she was there.

"We're going home Levi. That's enough. We need to go before the cops get here."

Farlan pulled me to my feet with a tight hold on my arms. I pant in effort to calm myself as Zeke moves to his side with a loud groan of pain. I clench my teeth with anger.

‘’Oi, you son of a whore…’’

I begin to speak with raspy, low growl. ‘’You got fucking lucky just now…I would’ve carved your insides while you watched; I would’ve made you suffer, and I would’ve spat in your face while you lay there dead, with your own cock shoved down your miserable throat. You fucking raping, murdering, torturing son of bitch!’’

I scream out at the top of my lungs; years of tension building up in me finally exploding out of my chest. Your eyes widen as you stand up to land a hard kick against Zeke’s ribs; he groans in pain. And another, and another, and another, the cracking noises of bones breaking are filling the air until you are restrained. Isabell pulling you back with all of her strength, making the both of you land on the bathroom floor.

"Eren."

I call out to you, only to be met by your furious eyes. Blood was going down your face and your busted lip, tears staining your cheeks. Raging breaths forcing their way out of your lungs. Bruises on your bloody knuckles. You fought for me.

* * *

"Have you completely lost your mind?!"

I screamed as loud as I could against the raging rain.

"You could've gotten killed!"

Your eyes low, glued to the ground as I yell at you. The rain washing away the blood from our skin. I hear sirens from a distance and Farlan holds his point finger to his lips signalling us to be quiet. We ran as fast as we could. Everyone was instructed to say they found Zeke laying there by himself. The knife had been taken care of, and the camera footage had been withheld for the time being.

"Tell me what you were thinking."

I said calmly. You were sitting on the ground, your back against the cold wall of that dark alley, your face black and blue.

"Tell me!"

I screamed again making you jump, tears going down your furious eyes.

"And what was I supposed to do, huh?"

You spoke up. Your gaze finally meeting mine in the dark.

"Let you get raped?!"

You clench your fists and put them against your forehead before you brush your fingers through your hair in frustration. I was caught off guard. I froze unable to respond. Farlan’s eyes were blank staring into nothingness, fully aware of my situation, knowing it's best not to say a word; he walks towards the highway to keep watch, giving us some privacy.

"He is a dangerous man. He wouldn't have hesitated to kill you."

I said calmly, standing above you, droplets of water going down my chin.

"I'd rather die than watch him violate you."

The anger in your quiet voice apparent. The tremble of your lips, the shaking of your fingers.

"You are nothing but a brat after all."

I said; furious. Furious at myself for letting this happen. This was all my fault; I cause pain and pose hazard towards everyone I hold dear. The same thing almost happened again; once again, someone almost died because of me again, someone dear to me, someone I love, someone that deserves nothing more than to be happy. How could I let this happen again?

"You saw he had a knife-"

"I don't give a shit!"

You yelled at me, sitting up in one swift motion.

"You."

I said taking a step closer. Our foreheads almost touching as I look deep into your eyes.

"You are fucking stupid."

I spit out at you angrily. Your face looking distraught in anger when you hear the words.

"You are an immature brat."

You press your lips together and clench your fists.

"I'm not."

You say against my lips.

"Oh yeah? Well let me tell you."

I place my hand on your neck and push your back against the wall with force. You gasp and wince in pain when you hit the wall.

"You are a boy." Your eyes begin to water.

"You're wron-"

"Listen you fucking brat!"

I yell at you, my fear, anger and pain gushing out of me.

"You don't know a single thing about how life works! Think this is all fun and games!? Think you can just come into my life and make everything alright? Huh? What the fuck do you think you're going to accomplish by coming to my rescue? What the fuck would I do if I lost you too?!"

Tears going down my face without me realizing. What would I do? How would I be able to live with myself, what kind of punishment would be grave enough to attain for this kind of sin? Not even death would be enough to spare me from the pain of losing you like that. Not you. Anyone, but you. My grip on your neck is tight, but you don't react.

"You're a little boy, a little child, a little kid!"

I spit the words at you in anger. You bite your lip in fury before you shove me back and turn around with a swift movement. Your hands pulling at your hair before you punch your fist against the wall with a loud growl. I see blood going down your knuckles as you press your palms against the wall to stabilize yourself. Your back going up and down as you breath heavily.

"I would kill someone for you."

You whisper. Your hands fall down and you turn abruptly to grip my jaw as you pull me towards you, turning me to push my back against the same wall I had you up against a second ago. I let you do it. Unable to react anymore, seeing the pain in your eyes, the wounds on your face, the strain you'd put yourself though for me. I knew I was lying when I said you were a kid.

"Tell me, please. Would you love me then?"

Your voice was calm, shameless; you stared straight into my eyes.

"Would you hold the hand that I used to kill someone for you?"

Your fingers shaking; you traced the side of my face, before my hand shot up to grasp your palm tightly. Yes, I would hold that hand; no matter what I would hold that hand, because I couldn’t breathe if I didn’t. You pressed your forehead to mine gently and closed your eyes.

"I'm not a fucking kid."

You whispered against my lips, before pressing yours against them gently. Tenderly as if it was the first time you'd ever kissed me. My eyes close instantly, and tears go down my face before I'm able to control it. I deepen the kiss, my hands tight around your waist pulling you closer. We breath heavily through our noses while our tongues tangle together. Desperate; desperate and needy and greedy because I almost lost you, because for an instant I thought I would never see those eyes looking back at me again, that smile lighting up my world again, those hands on me, those lips on me, that beautiful voice that made everything okay. This fire. This heat. This sensation I thought I would never feel again. There it was, strong as ever, hot as ever, packing so much passion, my body reacting immediately. I press my hardness against yours and you moan in my mouth. Your fingers pulling stands of my hair as they run through them. I bite your bloody lip tasting the irony sensation on the tip of my tongue. Wet and greedy. Rough and needy. Wouldn't take no as an answer.

"Take me home."

* * *

Eren POV

You were silent during the entire ride home, and that continued when we got to your apartment. I wasn’t fully able to process what had just happened; all I could feel is that something had changed between us, and I could feel my skin crawling with worry. We both showered and changed; separately. It seemed to me as if you had suddenly built high walls around you, not allowing me to enter not even for a peak. When I got out of the shower already dressed in the clothes you’d left for me, I ran into you making the bed. You were wearing pyjamas and your hair was still wet. Your cheek was reddened and irritated; I could feel myself lost at the resentment for that man that had hurt you. I only thanked God that I was able to get there on time. I opened my mouth to speak, unsure really of what I was going to say.

‘’Sit on the bed.’’

You instructed me with a strict expression. I obliged, taking a seat while my eyes were fixed on you curiously. I felt like a child that had just been scolded, and you seemed like a parent that was very disappointed. I felt as if I had done something to upset you, overthinking was my strongest trait after all. You sat beside me, and that’s when I realized the ice pack, bowl of water and the towel you had prepared by the bedside. I had completely forgotten about my messed-up face. I had caught a glimpse of it in the mirror, and it didn’t look pretty. I had a badly busted lip and swollen eye, not to mention I was pretty sure my jaw was almost dislocated. The pain was there; but I was overburdened with emotion to actually feel anything. My blood was still boiling with anger and worry; all of that mixed up with the desperate need to feel you. Your eyes focused as you brought up the towel filled with ice to push gently against my inflated eye; sighing in the process, a look of guilt in your eyes.

‘’Can we talk?’’

I said with a weak voice. Dire for some kind of communication; dreadful of this large distance you had managed to put between us in a matter of minutes.

‘’I’d like that.’’ You said gently, your expression softening. I reached out to place my hand over yours on the mattress, and you didn’t pull away.

‘’Uhm, how are you?’’ I spoke hesitantly. Unsure of how to open the conversation.

‘’I don’t know. I’ve been better.’’ You sighed, removing the towel to dip it in water before placing it gently against my lower lip. I winced a bit. ‘’How are you?’’

‘’I’m not okay.’’ I said with a tremble in my voice. You nodded in understanding, your eyes refusing to meet mine; as if looking at my face right now pained you. It frustrated me. ‘’Won’t you look at me?’’

Your eyes snapped up to meet mine just then, your eyebrows brought almost into a frown, but your expression remains blank. ‘’I want to talk about last week.’’ I said. Your thin brows rose in surprise.

‘’Right now?’’ You asked, gently moving the ice around my lip, making me grimace slightly in the process. ‘’Yes, I want to talk about it right now. I want to get it out of the way right now.’’

I spoke quickly, days of pining and fretting getting the better of me. You lowered your eyes with a sigh. ‘’Yeah. Uhm.’’ You began to speak, inhaling sharply before visibly swallowing to speak.

‘’I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go through your phone… your personal affairs…It wasn’t right. So. I’m sorry for invading your privacy.’’ You spoke robotically, I knew you didn’t mean a single word you said. I moved my head from left to right, rolling my eyes angrily with a sigh.

‘’Levi…Just-‘’

I pushed away your hand removing the cold pressure from my lip.

‘’Just stop. This is stupid.’’ You stared at me through slightly widened eyes, placing the towel in the bowl of water gently before turning to me. ‘’What’s stupid?’’

‘’This. You didn’t invade my privacy. That’s not what I want to talk about.’’ My eyes focused on yours with determination, I was going to get to the bottom of this tonight, and there could be a million other issues that had to be resolved between us, but this one would be settled right now.

‘’What do you want to talk about?’’ Your voice was calm and patient, your face softened and reserved, something which urged me to continue.

‘’I wanted to apologize. I’m sorry for kissing someone else.’’ I said quietly, my eyes narrowing with guilt. You shook your head left to right with a huff. ‘’Stop it.’’ You blurted out.

‘’No. Levi.’’

I tilted my head towards you, urging you to lock eyes with me. And when you did, I spoke,

‘’I’m sorry for kissing someone other than you. I’m sorry.’’ You swallowed and breathed in and out at that, your eyes unable to focus on mine for more than a few seconds before they are averted once again, ‘’Okay-‘’

‘’I’m sorry for betraying you.’’ I cut you off. You snapped at me at that.

‘’Eren-’’

‘’I’m sorry, so forgive me.’’ I spoke again, catching you off guard. You spoke almost immediately.

‘’There’s nothing to forgive.’’ You said with a defeated voice, your eyes lowering before your hand moves to grab the towel again, removing your other hand from my hold to twist the towel from its water contents.

‘’Why? Cause we’re not together?’’

I asked ironically, maybe slightly more aggressive than I’d like. You pressed the ice against my swollen eye and I inhaled.

‘’Because you have the right to do whatever you want. With whoever you want.’’ Your voice was low like a growl, your eyes completely dissociated as they focused on the pack in your hand. I bit my upper lip in frustration. ‘’But how would that make you feel?’’ I tried to get something out of you. Anything. You sighed.

‘’It doesn’t matter how I feel.’’ You said with a breath, your eyes saddened.

‘’It does to me.’’ I said almost instantly. ‘’So tell me.’’

You inhaled and exhaled softly, as if trying very hard to remain composed. ‘’Not good.’’ You said.

‘’Not good?’’ I responded, getting more and more irritated by the second. You sighed heavily at that. I shook my head and pushed your hand off my face once again, more aggressively this time, and you backed away slightly to face me. ‘’Seriously? Who’s being a kid now, huh? Just talk to me. Can we try to communicate properly for once? Please?’’

I said, my voice rising faintly, I was sure I was coming off more frustrated, but I needed you to open up one way or another. I wasn’t going to let you put up another wall between us. Your grey eyes studied me for a moment in silence. You seemed conflicted with yourself before you finally forced it out. ‘’Okay.’’

My eyes widened slightly at that, and my tone lowered significantly. ‘’Okay. So, I’m asking you, Levi. How did it make you feel when you found out about it?’’ My movements were slow, as if afraid I would scare you away, every part of me urging you to find it in yourself to open up to me and be truthful. You paused for a moment; the ice pack is dropped in the bowl of water with a loud plop. You run your fingers through your wet hair before your eyes focus on mine; a new more established glint imprinted over them.

‘’It felt-‘’ You sighed. I stared you through curious, kind eyes encouraging you to continue at your own pace, staying silent. ‘’It felt like my heart was being torn out of my chest. Like my breath was caught up in my lungs and I couldn’t even function.’’ I sat there dumbstruck unable to react. ‘’I was angry. And I was hurt.’’ You hand moved up to grip the left side of your chest, your fingers creasing the fabric of your shirt. ‘’That’s how it made me feel.’’ You said, letting your hand fall to the mattress, your shoulders lowering in surrender. I nodded in understanding, swallowing at the process to control my happiness.

‘’Okay.’’ I tried to sound as calm as possible. ‘’Thank you for telling me how you felt. Thank you.’’ My palm is placed comfortingly over your hand, squeezing gently at the skin.

‘’You don’t have to thank me.’’ You shrugged.

‘’But I want to. I’m grateful that you told me. So now I can tell you… and I can explain my thought process to you.’’ I said with composure. This was amazing. It was incredible progress. The way you had just opened up to me; admitting that you didn’t like my involvement with someone else; it was huge step towards the clarity I so frantically yearned for. ‘’Okay.’’ You breathed with a light nod.

‘’I was jealous over you, every time you’re at that club I feel restless.’’ I said weakly. Your eyebrows were brought together at that and you shook your head in denial.

‘’There’s no reason for you to feel that way.’’ You spoke with a huff. I gulped.

‘’I know. I’m sorry. But when you said to me that people are hitting on you-‘’

‘’It doesn’t mean anything. Doesn’t mean anything to me if someone hits on me.’’ You cut me off, slightly fidgeting and growing more agitated by the second. I bobbed my head sympathetically, trying to get the atmosphere to cool down. ‘’I know.’’

‘’But you don’t. I’m sorry Eren it’s just-’’ Your eyes snapped at me, and I was finally seeing some emotion into those grey orbs. I realized I had to let you get it out of your system. ‘’What is it?’’

I asked comfortingly, my hand grasping at yours tenderly. You averted your gaze to the side, your throat moving up and down as you gulp. ‘’I just…I can’t wrap my head around it.’’ You said quietly.

‘’Okay. Wrap you head around what?’’ My voice was calm and collected, my eyes gazing at you encouragingly, with acceptance and with longing for closure. Your glare is locked on me before you speak.

‘’That you kissed that girl. I don’t have a right to feel this way, and I’m aware of that, but I can’t control it…and I have been trying Eren, trust me. This has been eating at me all week.’’ You spat angrily; I could feel you tense up under the palm of my hand. ‘’O-okay.’’ I was caught off guard, unsure of how to urge you to resume.

‘’So, tell me why you did it. Is there a reasonable explanation behind it? You want to explain to me why the fuck I’m sitting at a bar turning away every single human that tries to approach me while you’re making out with some girl at a party?’’ Your fingers begun to tremble as you spoke passionately. ‘’Please fucking enlighten me because last time I checked, not long ago you were declaring your undying love for me, and honestly I wouldn’t really give much of a shit because it isn’t the first time someone’s said that to me.’’

I blinked in shock at the sudden outburst, part of me very happy that you had let down your guard, another part of me burdened with sorrow and guilt, pierced with a dagger at the truth you were unleashing on me.

‘’The problem is that with you it feels real, and I actually believe you…because you are the only person who has ever seen the real me and stuck around. So, I want to know right now. Tell me why you kissed someone else. Tell me why or I swear I’m going to lose my mind.’’ Your voice trembled at that, your eyes refusing to leave mine, and stared back at you through wetness, unsure of how to respond, dumbstruck at the way things had played out; knowing very well that this is what I had asked for; but at same time was not prepared for.

‘’Okay. Okay. Thank you.’’ I leaned in closer to you. ‘’Thank you for telling me that. Really, Levi.’’ You lowered your gaze at that, nodding, your breathing slightly elevated, you inhaled in effort to calm it. I held your hand tight in my grasp as I spoke as communally as I could.

‘’That night…it was the first time we would spend a Friday night apart. And…you haven’t told me how you feel for me. I don’t know where we stand with this, because you keep throwing me around and I keep coming back like some kind of boomerang. So I feel insecure. Because I’ve told you how I feel and I never get the same thing in return. I don’t know what’s on your mind. I don’t know what’s in your heart. I’m scared I’ll lose you, I’m scared you’re not as serious about this as I am, and so I find myself worrying and creating scenarios in my head. Scenarios where you might think it’s okay to flirt with someone else…and more.’’

I say breathlessly, my feelings pouring out of me as I look at you with despairing eyes. ‘’That’s funny.’’ You narrow your eyes with a nod. I understood your frustration, but it also infuriated me. I tried to remain composed as I resumed.

‘’Well, what do you expect? I keep trying to get you to open up to me and let me in and you always just-‘’ Unable to control my emotions, I pinch the bridge of my nose at an effort to stop the tears from trailing down my face. You leaned in closer, ‘’Just what?’’

I threw my head back with an inhale. ‘’You always shut me out right when we’re about to make some progress.’’ I say weakly. I hear you scoff, and my head snaps at you. You had a sarcastic smirk stamped on your face ‘’Progress? How can we make progress if you’re making out with other people?’’ The low blow made my pulse elevate with newfound irritation, part of me was understanding of the way you were feeling, but the way you were handling it; as if you had not made any mistakes at all; it infuriated me. I cracked.

‘’You fucking told me I can see other people. In fact you advised me to do so!’’ I practically yelled at you, the smirk is wiped off your face immediately, I can visibly see you shrink down, whatever encouragement you had felt seeming to slip away rapidly. ‘’You’re right. I’m sorry. You’re right.’’ You spoke silently. I frowned, shaking my head left to right. I lean in, my hands on your thighs.

‘’Levi…I was overthinking that night… and when she made that move on me, I let it happen. And the moment it did, I regretted it…and there was nothing I wanted more than to run to you, and wipe whatever trace she left on me with the feeling of you. Because I belong to you.’’ Your eyes lifted to meet mine, a melancholic tint carved all over that lush grey, you breathed in as they started to become glassy with tears. ‘’Because I want you. Because I love you. Just you. Only you.’’ I continued. ‘’There can be nobody else but you. You’re the one for me, not Krista, not any other woman, not any other man. Just you.’’ You moved closer to me, your hands cupping each side of my face carefully, you closed your wet eyes when our foreheads touched, and you sighed. I parted my lips to receive a kiss, but none came as you gently shifted back.

‘’You’re misjudging your feelings.’’ You said with a defeated tone. There it was again; those fucking walls shoved right in my face. I pulled back with a huff, your hands falling to your knees; my fingers running through my hair with exasperation.

‘’This is what you do. This. You talk to me as if we are together one moment and as if we are not the next. You are driving me crazy! You make me so confused!’’ My eyes widen as they lower to the mattress below me, I jolt my hands back and forth as I speak with irritation. What was it going to be? We kept going around in circles.

‘’Listen.’’ My determined green meets your grey with fortitude. ‘’You don’t have the right to tell me how to feel! You don’t have the right to deny me my own wants and needs; you don’t have the right to make decisions for me, determine what’s right or wrong for me!’’ I yell out in despair, the tears I managed to hold back until now, threatening to run down my broken skin.

You close your eyes with guilt, exhaling with a vanquished expression. ‘’I’m trying to protect you.’’ You spoke.

‘’Fuck’’ I shifted on my knees sitting up higher than you, looking down at you with in a threatening manner, resolved to get my point across ‘’I don’t need protection! And more than anything I don’t need to be protected from you. And from loving you; and from being with you.’’ My voice was strained as the tears started to roll down my face, I started to tremble. You furrowed your brows ‘’Eren-‘’

‘’Can I ask you a question?’’ I said weakly, staring down at you through hooded eyes. You looked up at me illuminating every ounce of uncertainty and anguish I felt rushing through my veins. Every trace of pain and fear, and every ounce of feral need and desire.

‘’Do you love me?’’ I finally asked. The question that has been tormenting me for months; the question that has been torturing my mind, the reason I have been losing sleep, the reason I have been so unsure, so scared and petrified, so confused and burdened. The question hung low in silence for a while, and I watched as you opened your mouth to speak boring into me with horrified grey.

‘’I don’t want to answer that question.’’ You said in almost a whisper, your limbs a trembling mess. The pain I felt in my chest at that answer was nothing new, it was nothing unexpected. I spoke with newfound composure.

‘’Because you’re afraid of the answer. You’re afraid of the reality that comes with it. So you keep deceiving yourself, lying to yourself scared to take that leap. You’re fucking scared. And you project that fear on to me; and it makes me fucking insecure, and it makes me think stupid shit and do stupid shit.’’ I say calmly, staring you down through half lidded, tearful eyes. You froze in place, and I knew my words cut deep, because every single fragment of them were nothing but the truth. We both knew that. You clenched your jaw, tears going down your face.

‘’I know I’m problematic. I don’t need you to remind me of it.’’ You say in low growl. I can’t help but fall down, my back hitting the headboard of the bed with a loud thud. I hide my face in my hands as I sob ‘’That’s not what I’m trying to do… fuck!’’ I shriek in exasperation and disappointment. There was no way out of this. There was no solution, there was nothing I could do to get to you, there was nothing I could do to make it okay; there was no getting to the bottom of this. I felt your hands wrap around me, pulling me into a tight embrace, your scent filling my nostrils, your warm body, your soft touch, it brings me comfort immediately. I cried against your shoulder, my arms hooking around your neck; we held on tight; why can’t we communicate verbally as well as we do physically? You turn to kiss my cheek lovingly, your hand moving to the back of my head, as you try to comfort me.

‘’Sh, don’t cry, baby. I understand what you mean, okay?’’ You pulled back to kiss my forehead tenderly, our temples connected as we stare at each other through wet eyes. My fingertips tracing your cheeks gently. ‘’I understand you. I understand, angel.’’ You said sweetly, your lips move tenderly against mine, and a tear leaves the side of my eye as I close them. My thumbs move to the sides of your mouth softly.

‘’If you understand…if you really do understand…stop hurting me.’’ I whispered with strain against your lips, earning a shudder from your chest. You swallow before you whisper with a ragged, weak breath and furrowed eye brows, tightly shut eyes,

‘’I don’t think I know how.’’ Your thumbs moving tenderly against the skin of my cheeks. I smile gently.

‘’Yes, you do. You do because there are moments where just a touch from you, just a look from you, just a word is enough to make me forget everything that’s been weighing on my shoulders. It makes every ache I’ve ever felt in my heart disappear. You make me the happiest I’ve ever been.’’

You inhale sharply before you press your lips against mine, and I give in completely. I kissed back with all I had in me, moaning into your mouth at the sensation of your hands roaming under my shirt; I move to straddle you, my hands buried in your hair, I tilt your head to the side to kiss at your neck.

‘’Eren’’ you say breathlessly ‘’what are we doing here?’’ You speak in between ragged breaths, moans and pants escaping your lips as you begin to nip at my collarbones, your hands travel down to cup my ass hard, earning a long whine from me.

‘’I don’t know’’ I whisper against your hair, before I pull your head back to breath against your lips,

‘’All I know is I can’t breathe without you.’’ I say in breathless anticipation, heat radiating all over my body and tingling at the touch of your skin. You bite your lip, with a desperate frown, moaning in my mouth as you devour my lips, letting the contents of your soul into the kiss, the eagerness of your tongue as it enters my mouth. I cling onto you frantically, the beat of my heart was so fast, thumping against my chest, the tension thick enough to be cut with a knife, I needed you, needed to be connected with you, needed to be united with your heart, your soul, your pain, your anguish;

everything that made you; you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) Let me know what you think so far! Thank you for reading ^^


	17. To Share My Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am here only one day later to give you the new mini chapter that you never asked for, as I had a random spur of inspiration because faul_verstern sent me a good song! ^_^   
> Shout out to you, faul_verstern , thank you! :)  
> Boiiiiii, this gon be deep, so hold on tight!  
> Enjoy ❤

‘’All I know is I can’t breathe without you.’’ I say in breathless anticipation, heat radiating all over my body and tingling at the touch of your skin. You bite your lip with a desperate frown, moaning in my mouth as you devour my lips, letting the contents of your soul into the kiss, the eagerness of your tongue as it enters my mouth. I cling onto you frantically, the beat of my heart was so fast, thumping against my chest, the tension thick enough to be cut with a knife, I needed you, needed to be connected with you, needed to be united with your heart, your soul, your pain, your anguish; everything that made you; you.

‘’I need you, Eren.’’

You spoke in a breathy moan, breaking the kiss, your hands fumbling at my shirt to remove it quickly; your lips kissing down my chest as soon as it’s gone. I tip my head back with a moan, my hands tangle in your hair.

"I need you, too. I can’t take it anymore. Please, I’m aching for you." I whine while your lips kiss down my torso, your hands dancing over my ribcage, teeth start to bite gently at the skin, and I moan. Your hands tug at my thighs to pull me under you in one swift motion, the ice pack and water bowl are tipped off the bed; your hungry mouth travels down my stomach, a feral need behind your movements; an animalistic fury packed in your eyes as you look up at me to speak.

‘’I’ll make it go away’’ You growl while your hand rubs against my clothed erection, I moan with a bite of my lip. ‘’I’ll ease your suffering.’’

I couldn’t recognise your voice when you spoke; it was dripping with lust, and animalistic yearning. You pulled my bottoms and boxers down violently, making me shriek in the process, my body trembling with arousal, I spread my legs in complete submission to you, my eyes locked with yours as you stare my body up and down with lethal hunger. I gulped in anticipation, part of me terrified at your impatience, part of me utterly enthused and stimulated. Your right hand travelled with faint pressure, sensually; from my groin, up my belly, through my torso, rubbing up my collarbones to wrap a tight hold around my neck as you leaned over me. My lips parted in intimidation, chest shuddering in keenness; ragged breaths and fast heartbeat thumping against my ribcage. I looked up at you with terrified, yearning eyes; your feral, threatening grey staring me down, as if taken over by some lethal instinct, your eyes glimmering with the promise of wreckage.

‘’Why do I feel as if I’ll die if I don’t get deep inside of you right now?’’ You said hoarsely, your lips almost touching mine, a shaky breath forces itself out your mouth as you speak, wet eyes staring down at me with a pained expression, as if you were finally giving in into your savage needs. My trembling fingers begin to undo the buttons of your shirt as I spoke weakly.

‘’Take me… Just take me right now.’’ You ground your ragging, rock hard cock, against my groin in response to my words, a breathy moan forming from the depths of your throat.

‘’I won’t forgive you if you don’t.’’ I stare with half lidded eyes, limbs shaking in undeniable, feral arousal, nails digging into the skin of your back once the buttons of your shirt come undone, lip bitten tight between my teeth at the pressure of our cocks rubbing together.

‘’I’m not a fucking kid…’’ I lean forward to undo the knot of your pyjama bottoms,

‘’You know that...’’ My voice dripping with lust as my hand slides in through your boxers, fingers wrapping around that heated, dripping wet shaft, my mouth hangs open as you breathe out into my mouth, your jaw slack in awakening. ‘’Fuck me’’ my words spill out of my mouth like poison, my hand pumping with force under your clothes, between us,

‘’Fuck me…’’ I repeat the words, my movement quickening between us, I watch as your expression grows more and more hazardous, more and more weak, coming closer and closer to complete surrender. You clench your teeth tight before your hand moves to cup my jaw, staring me down with indigent necessity and longing. You devour my lips with desperation, your pyjama bottoms and boxers are kicked off the bed, and you’re grinding violently against my cock, your hand cupping the outside of my thigh as my leg wraps around you, I whine into your mouth, you growl in mine in response, and I am sure I would die if I spent another moment where I am not connected with you.

I sit up slightly to pull your shirt down your shoulders; but you seem to hesitate, pulling away from me in uncertainty. I raise an eyebrow, pain already beginning to bubble up in my chest; were you about to stop me again? You looked me in the eyes with a guilty expression, they soften when you sit back, and I prop myself on my elbows. You lower your stare for a moment, and I was sure it was another failed attempt, but then you moved to let the shirt fall down your shoulder, before you tossed it on the floor by the bed. My mouth hung slightly open, my eyes widen in response. You wouldn’t meet my gaze, your body shuddering in insecurity. You had lost weight; too much weight- as if you hadn’t eaten a single bite all week; your collarbones more defined, your ribcage evident under your skin, and you were pale; so very pale, the only colour being the dark blue on the crook of your arm, the wounds that gathered there, the bruised tissue looked so painful under your skin. I swallowed in effort to stop my tears from trailing down my face, to stop the shriek of anguish that was threatening to escape my lungs, the pain of being met with a sight like this was unbearable; it was excruciating, and agonizing. You turned your lowered head to the side in shame, still afraid to meet my eyes; certain that I would reject you, or scream at you, or get angry at you. I saw you bring your eyebrows together, and I saw the tremble of your lip.

I shut my eyes tight in effort to gather my resolve before I opened them and sat up to place my palms on each side of your face. When you looked up at me, you were completely wrecked; and so was I, but I wasn’t going to let it show. ‘’It’s okay.’’ I said, my lips leaving gentle kisses on your cheek, you lean into them lovingly, desperate for the comfort, desperate for acceptance, and I would give it all to you. You closed your eyes when your palms cupped each side of my face, and you sniffled faintly, pressing your forehead against mine. I inhaled sharply ‘’I’m not giving up on you.’’

You opened your eyes at that, tears gathering there, your lips curving to form some sort of smile, you press your lips against mine; and I open them, slipping my tongue between them, suckling at your lower lip, hands hooked around your neck. I feel your palms travel to my waist before I pull back to whisper, making sure it is understood and taken in by you,

‘’I’m not giving up on you.’’

I said the words again and again. Again, while your hands were tracing every inch of me, and again while your mouth was leaving wet trails all over my body.

"I'm not."

I whisper again while my fingers tangle in your pitch-black hair, my back arching as the tip of your tongue makes gentle contact with my hard leaking cock. I moan and close my eyes tight. Your hands hooked around my thighs, nails digging into my skin, you moan deeply, and your mouth vibrates around my member.

"Ah-"

I start thrusting inside your hot mouth, moaning in pain and pleasure, your nails slowly ripping into my skin. Your watery eyes looking up at me with anticipation.

"Le-"

I am cut off by my own moan, your finger making its way into my hole.

"Levi..."

I whisper your name gently just loud enough for you to hear it and curl your finger inside me. My chest going up and down I sigh and moan in pleasure. I wanted to cry but at the same time laugh. I thought this would never happen again. I thought I would never see you like this again, feel you like this again. I lost a part of me during the few days I spent apart from you, consoling myself with broken memories of you. Us. And what we could easily be, if only you would let us.

"I'm sorry."

Tears. Again, I'm crying, not because of the pain in my black eye, not because of my torn lip or my swollen cheek, not because of your fingers making their way deep inside of me, not because of how good it felt either. I was disappointed with myself. For letting you down, for not being there when it mattered the most. For not sticking by you through your ups and downs. For not being there when it mattered the most. You had been using and I could tell. I could tell because I could see the bones of your ribs, I could see the dark circles under your eyes, your trembling fingers and your tired eyes. It was all my fault. I left and I wasn't there, even when you push me away, I should stick by your side, I should push harder, press further, insist; demand that you open your heart to me. But, I wasn't there for you when it mattered the most. I let this happen; If I had come to you sooner, if I had sought out for you sooner, we wouldn’t be here like this right now. You wouldn’t be using, you wouldn’t have to face the danger of being hurt by that horrible man; and I wouldn’t have been here with my busted fucking lip, and swollen fucking eye, and my throbbing heart; and this unbearable pain in my chest.

"I'm sorry."

I couldn't stop saying it, because no matter how many times I did, it wouldn't make up for the fact that I had failed you. I moaned deeply, exhaling sharply, your tongue swirling around my tip, your fingers curling inside of me stimulating me exactly where you knew would make me explode.

"Hah-"

I cum hard and my body starts to shake. I arch my back while white strings start to paint my body. I feel cold as your lips set my softening member free. Tears going down my face uncontrollably and I begin to cry hard. Harder than I wanted to, just unable to control it I wept. Covering my face, elbows over my face I hide. I can feel you sit up, your palms on my elbows trying to pull them away. But I wouldn't move. I cried and cried. I felt your forehead on my chest, your hands on my ribs, thumbs tracing gentle reassuring circular motions. It was wet, your wet eyes, your tears staining my chest.

"I'm sorry."

I said again in between my painful cries. You kissed my sternum gently. The tip of your nose tickling my skin, your warm breath making me shiver.

"Please"

You were begging, but I didn't know what for. Because if I knew I promise I would give it you with no hesitation. I would do anything for you. Everything for you. Tell me what you want. Tell me what you really want and I swear I will give it to you.

"I love you, I love you."

I kept repeating the words, over and over, softly whispering to myself.

"Let me see your face."

Your palm gently resting on my elbows still covering me up. I just wanted to hide. Ashamed to face you. Ashamed of how pathetic I was. How stupid I was.

"Please."

You begged again. If there's one thing I was sure of, it was that I would never make you beg. Never make you wait. Always give you what you want. I lowered my elbows slowly and let my arms rest on each side of my body. My eyes closed, my face torn. I was holding back my cries. I felt your fingers gently tracing my face, before you cup my cheek, your thumbs rubbing the skin under my eyes tenderly, wiping away the wetness.

"Don't cry."

How can I not? How can I not cry?

"It's all my fault."

I said, before I felt your lips pressing against mine. They were warm, swollen and tender. I felt myself open up to the kiss. It was not eager or demanding. It was just a kiss. But more than that. Could it be that you loved me, could it be that this was your way of showing it? With tender kisses which poured out your entire being; and tore out mine completely? Or were you just so freakishly talented, so good at this; so good that you could make anyone think that they meant the world to you.

"Nothing is your fault."

You kissed me again, and I wrapped my arms around you. I felt the bones of your back, the muscles that use to be so well defined, so strong and rich, felt so much weaker, so deflated and defeated. I whimpered in the kiss and clasped my arms around you into a tight hold. Tight and strong so that you could never get away from me again. So I could protect you, take care of you. You started kissing my neck, passionately, desperately and I dug my nails into your skin. It felt good, but I couldn't. I couldn't do it. My chest was too heavy, my heart was too cold. This wasn't just physical anymore, this wasn't just fun anymore. I love you. I love you and I can't ignore the fact that you are unwell. You are sick and it's all because of me.

"I can't."

The hand hooked around your shoulder tightened, but you kept going.

"I can't anymore."

I whispered again, but you kept kissing me, in denial of the fact that you felt it too. I knew you did. I could tell by how hesitant you were to take your shirt off; I could tell by the way you cringed when I touched your body; I could tell by the uncertain look in your eyes; the hesitation in your heart. I finally understood. I finally understood why you were denying me this entire time. You knew it would kill me to see you like this, and you knew it would tear you apart because there was nothing you could do to change it. I understood now.

"Levi"

I said your name, closing my eyes at the sensation of your warm lips on my skin, I turned my head and buried it in your neck, and I tightened my hold around you. Soft sobs and cries escaping my throat. You stopped. You stopped and instead hooked your arms around me and held me in an embrace. You buried your face in the crook of my neck and muffled your own sobs. I knew I didn't have to say anything. You already knew exactly what was going on. You had felt it from the start, because you knew things that I did not; you were trying to protect me from this; this feeling, this emptiness, this inconsolable grief that I felt in the roots of my heart.

"You don't want me anymore?"

You said softly against my skin. I shook my head left to right.

"There is no time and place where I wouldn't want you."

I said as my fingers tightened even more on your pale skin. I still wanted you; even with this heavy hurt I carried in my chest, I would still accept you wholeheartedly, I would still love you again and again, and I would not change a single thing. You shuddered in my arms as I held you tight.

"You see now…how fucked up I am."

You spoke weakly.

"I’m not strong without it."

I felt your hot breath straining.

"When something hurts, I can’t stop myself from yearning for it."

You sobbed quietly, I knew you were referring to heroin, I knew you had called for it to be delivered to you when I found you at the club, I came to realize that with the slightest inconvenience you would seek out for it. This time just like the time before it: an inconvenience that was caused by _me_. I couldn't believe what I had done.

"It's all my fault Levi. I shouldn't have left it so long, no matter what you said to me, no matter what you did I shouldn't have left you alone."

You freed yourself from my hold, with a shake of your head and you lied on your back next to me. You rubbed at your face for a moment before your hands rested on each side of your body. You seemed happy, but the droplet hanging from the corner of your eyes gave you away. You were looking at the ceiling and it seemed as if you were trying to say something but didn't have enough courage to do so. I waited. I said nothing. I just waited patiently, watched as you swallowed over and over, tried to gather your thoughts together. I moved my eyes to the ceiling as well, wondering what you were staring at. Maybe it was easier for you if I wasn't looking. My hand shyly reached out for yours, my fingers hesitantly intertwining with yours. You clasped our hands together; your fingers tangle tightly with mine. I smile. We lay on our backs next to each other in silence for a while, and I was happy just laying there. My hand in yours. My heart with it.

"I want to tell you everything."

I heard you speak quietly, gently and hesitantly. I decided not to move; afraid that I would scare you away from saying whatever was on your mind.

"You are the only one I want to tell. I want to share my pain with you, because you’re the only one that will understand.’’

You turn your face towards me, and you smile lovingly. I smile back at you, my eyes illuminating nothing but pure adoration, admiration and love. You paused for a long moment, and I waited patiently in the silence. I thought you weren't going to speak, and I was okay with that, but then you began to talk soflty. 

‘’When I was your age…I was in love with someone. He was very much like you. Beautiful, kind-hearted... innocent. I let myself believe that we would be happy. Because we were. It was the type of intimacy that you are only given once in your life. I knew that. That's why I knew I'd do anything to keep him safe. To keep us safe."

You swallowed and your chest moved up and down. Your fingers tightened around mine.

"I failed."

The words hung low. You paused. The cool air in the room suddenly felt very heavy.

"Uhm...my father. He was very proud of me. I was top in my class; I would go to church with him every Sunday, and I was very hard working and well behaved even though I didn't have a mother. I tried to deny my true nature for the longest time, but- then I fell in love; just like everybody else.’’

Your voice cracked just then, and your lips trembled as a sob threatened to escape your chest.

‘’That’s all I did…just like everybody else.’’

New tears made their way down the skin of your cheeks. I blinked in agony, your pain inducing a wave of pure anguish inside of me. I clenched the skin of my chest with my free hand as I listened.

‘’I guess he couldn't handle it when he found out his son was one of those fags that he hated so damn much. In fact, he was so ashamed that he'd rather I didn't exist, he'd rather neither of us existed. He wanted both my lover and I dead. He gave me those scars on my back. The ones you asked about…He stabbed me two times. Two times and somehow I didn’t die. Instead, I just have to live with them; a reminder of how falling in love is such a terrible; horrible sin."

I felt my stomach turn at the words. My heart beating fast and my fingers begin to tremble, your fear of the word ‘’love’’ finally making sense to me.

"So, half of his plan worked."

I shut my eyes in terror.

"No."

I turned to look at you only to realize how reserved you were, your eyes blank and lost in thought, as if you were overtaken by your emotions; too grave to be embodied by a reaction.

"Actually, his plan worked in its entirety because…he killed me too. He killed me you see, because I don’t see how my life could have gotten further after living through something like that."

You paused, before swallowing, in effort to reserve yourself, your eyes hanging low.

‘’Drugs made me feel better; they numbed away the pain. I couldn’t live with myself without them, and soon enough I became heavily dependent. Addicted. When I ran out of money, I did other things; anything that would get me my hit. I stooped low; so low. And now, I always; always feel disgusting. It’s like no amount of soap, and scrubbing and bathing- can wash away this constant feeling of filth, and dirt and-‘’

Your fingers trembled, unable to finish your sentence you shut your eyes, with a gulp of your throat; visibly disturbed at whatever memories were rushing through your head. It all made sense to me now. Why you always smelled so good, why you took so long in the shower, why your house was spotless, every inch of you clean and washed as if you were not even human. You could not be relieved from the constant feeling of stranger’s hands on your body, of people using you and touching you against your will. You were desperate to be pure again; for you... ''purity'' was something that shouldn't be messed with aimlessly. I touched my forehead against your shoulder, pressing my lips against your skin. ‘’Shh.’’ I tried to console you ‘’It’s okay.’’

I thought I heard the crack. The distinct sound of my own shattering heart. Unable to blink or breath, I just let the tears fall down.

"It’s just that…I really thought that you're only given the stars once in your life."

You turned to look at me, your eyes were red and half lidded. You were weak, scared and broken.

"But now"

Your palm cupped my face gently and you turned to the side.

"I've been given the stars once again."

Unable to speak, I turn to the side as well, my forehead touching yours, my hand reaches up to your face, my thumb wiping the tears from your cheek.

"And I really don't know how I'll survive, if their light goes out again."

Your voice strained and cracked at the words. Your eyes close and I kiss you gently, slowly, and carefully, because I could feel your grief. I could taste the anguish on your lips, the pain lingering with every breath you took, the sorrow that persisted with every second that you chose to remain alive. And you did; oh, how incredible; how strong; how powerful you were. How inspiring and how empowering, every step you took, every moment you kept fighting; every single second you remained standing on your own two feet, with nobody but yourself to hold you up.

This is your dark past, the secret you've kept for so long, the fear that's been holding you back. The reason your life was such a mess. But to me, you were nothing less than a hero; someone I would always respect and look up to, and I finally felt like I could completely understand you. At last, I had seen you, the real you, in your shameless nakedness and in all your glory. This mess and everything good that made you who you were; that made you the person that I had fallen deeply, undeniably, utterly, and helplessly in love with. Everything that contributed to whatever you thought was making you a monster; it was everything that made you the only man in the world that I would ever love.

‘’Thank you. Thank you so much for telling me. Thank you for trusting me with something so important.’’ I look you in the eyes, stunning silver-grey staring back me, eyes filled with relief, hope and closure. ‘’It means the world to me, that you shared your struggles with me.’’ I cup your cheek lovingly; my voice comes out strained when I speak.

‘’You’re incredible. I am so proud of you.’’ I whispered against your trembling lips. You furrow your eyebrows, a soft expression on your face, as you close your eyes overwhelmed, pressing your forehead against mine, I pull you closer, my thumbs caressing the skin of your cheekbones.

‘’You inspire me.’’ I managed to say before a sob excited my throat, your quiet cries follow in response to my words. ‘’We’ll find our way out of this together. I promise.’’ I inhale sharply in effort to gather myself, swamped with emotions.

‘’My love.’’ I called out to you gently and waited for you to open your eyes to look at me before I continued with a voice drained with tears.

"He was your stars."

I whispered in the cool air. My thumb traced your lower lip gently. Your deep silver-grey piercing into me.

"What if I'm your moon?"

I smiled softly. The sides of your mouth arched up into one of your rare smiles; those smiles that were real and true, and you huffed gently. You let out a quiet chuckle with a sniffle, and it made my heart flutter. You looked gorgeous just then. Your smile was enough, your laughter was enough; enough to prove just how impregnable you were; bulletproof, with a heart made of steel and a mind that is completely unassailable. 

"You're right."

You kissed me again and again. Our arms and legs tangling. Needy kisses and touches. Warm skin on skin, warm lips, warm fingertips. My heart felt _warm_.

We both slept soundly that night… and the next morning when I woke up, I found you sleeping peacefully in my arms for the first time. Isn’t it a wonderful thing?

To be able to share your pain with someone.


End file.
